Christine the Lioness (3124)
Christopher the Pyro (1991)
ProphetJoe the Irreverent (1291)
Trouble the Pirate (604)
Keith the Director (573)
Mara the Peacemaker (535)
eric the Lil' Devil (352)
AJ the Zen Master (305)
Ben the Kingpin (214)
Haas the Addict (187)
Christine 2 the Mercenary (131) Lei the Mercenary (124) Katie the Mercenary (115)
Ben2 the Soldier (56) christine the Lioness asserted
Christopher obviously has had enough difficulty with women to feel the need to write tips for other guys (who probably don’t create issues, and therefore, have no need to deal with a woman they’ve turned insane). However… I would like to address some of what Christopher’s tips were, just so you poor boys who actually think Christopher’s advice could help, don’t wind up with a girlfriend who is completely homicidal.
1. When she starts to talk crazy.. (like accusing you of taking her granted), thank her politely for cooking you lunch and get up and start to put your shoes and and then tell her what time you will be back for dinner.
When you return for dinner… make sure to wait about 20 minutes after your first bite before continuing… arsenic takes about that long to take affect.
2. When she tells you ?You don?t really care about me?, look at her bewildered and ask her to define her meaning of ?care? because is going to have to be more specific
She’s already stating the obvious… if you can’t figure out what she’s talking about, do yourself a favor and purchase a children’s picture dictionary.
3. When she tells you to let her out of the car? slam on your breaks, open and the door and push here out? you won?t get this chance often so make the most of it.
When the cops slap on the handcuffs, don’t be surprised if your girlfriend forgets to mention the part where she asked to be let out of the car. Oops! Sorry, babe… I meant to bail you out, but you forgot to change the oil in my car and I was preoccupied taking care of that… hope it wasn’t too boring in there.
4. It is a good idea to ?girlfriend proof? one of the rooms in your house.. and what I mean is.. add a couple extra steal dead lock?s, add some sound proofing barriers and make sure there is a window you can escape out of. This will allow you some time to gather yourself (or take a nap) in moments of complete insanity.
I thought this special room was called “the living room, the bedroom, the den…” and wherever else Christopher pretty much parks his lazy ass to sleep in the middle of the day… hmmm…
5. When she tells you that you only visit her because she has a great television, scrunch your eyebrows look her directly in the eyes and say.. ?Honey, that isn?t true, your a wonderful cook and fun in bed also!?
Ladies… if your man can’t afford as good of a television as you have, with double the earning power of a woman… then dump him. You can do better… this is one that will never be able to buy you anything worth having.
6. Ask her to write down her issues and email them to you with the title ?Relationship Issues? and tell her you will study the list and do what you can to address those issues.. (but in reality just set your spam filter to trash anything with ?Relationship Issues? in the title. When she asks about what you thought about her list, tell her that you are working on all the issues and you appreciate her taking the time to write you a nine page email.
And just remember, that the next time you need to call her and ask her to mapquest something for you because you’re lost and have driven 50 miles out of your way because you can’t pay enough attention to freeway exit signs… don’t be surprised if she says “I’ll work on that… Let me call you back.” If your cell doesn’t ring within the hour…you can find your own way home.
7. Buying her flowers can earn you a temporary reprieve.
Apparently Christopher hasn’t need a reprieve that badly… I have yet to receive flowers… besides, it’s a bad idea anyway. Don’t ever buy your girlfriend something to make up for something you fucked up. Just be a man and apologize… it’s cheaper and you’ll retain your chance of getting laid.
8. Despite what she keeps telling you.. your behavior is probably fine? just keep repeating that to yourself and you will be happier (which is really what this post is all about).
You will have lots of time to chant that mantra to yourself when you’re home alone jacking off, and your girlfriend is cooking dinner in nothing but a heels and a g-string for some other guy…
9. When you need a break or a few hour of sleep.. slipping tranquilizers into her drink or food is morally acceptable.
I completely agree with this one… I mean Christopher does it when he wants to have sex and I don’t, so why not do it when he’s sick of talking…
10. Don?t get down on yourself, no matter what you do she will still be crazy.. there really is no cure.. all you can do is follow my steps and protect yourself as best you can.
God, I’m so tired all of the sudden… *yawn* what’s up with me lately… I just… need to sleep for a little while… maybe I’ll finish my response tomor…
kyle the Groupie quibbed this
yea that flowers thing…. complete bullshit… ok well i was on the phone with this girl who i was dating at the time and she was going about how i would never hang up on her and just being her normal winey bitchy nutjob self when i decided that the convo was good enough to be over… click…. waited a couple minutes a friend called talked to him went to bed. Ok next day… i go to work at 6 in the morning (ugh….zzzzz…) and decided i`ll make it up to her by buying her flowers and hershey`s kisses…. Ok so i have to walk through my home town which is a realy bustling tourist town with flowers and chocolate and the whole time i`m getting smiled at by guys in tight pants and obese girls…. so i arrive at the place where my girlfriend of the time works and give her her gifts…. she calmly says “not talking to you” well i walk out say every 4 letter word i can think of and new combinations of such(i knew i wasnt gonna be getting any for a while) then i work until i get off at 5 go home. well you know eventualy she got over it but yea the whole flowers thing doesnt work on all girls
Christine the Lioness thought this
Okay… I have to ask. Why would you get yourself into that situation to begin with by hanging up on her? And what made you think flowers and chocoloate would make up for being an ass to her? Don’t you think life is much easier when you don’t have to buy stuff for girls to make up for something else you did? It seems like it might be…
kyle the Groupie quibbed this
well she was going on about how i would never hang up on her and there was nothing to talk about….. god i think chris would back me up that i was completly not at fault
Christopher the Pyro up'n wrote this
Kyle,
You completely did the right thing, the only thing to do when woman won’t shut up is hang up. In the end you did what was best for you and taught her a lesson while you were at it.
Christine the Lioness penned this
Hrmmm… interesting how Christopher and Alex think. Alex, if you were so justified in hanging up on her, why did you feel the need to “make it up to her” by buying her flowers? Second question, when she wasn’t appreciative that you would buy her something to make up for being a prick, you had the audacity to call her every 4 letter word you could think of??? So you were mad at her because why exactly? She should have accepted that flowers make up for being treated poorly? Honestly, she had every right to be pissed and you knew it or you wouldn’t even have thought about doing something to make up for it… and even though it was a good effort on your part, you should have expected that maybe she wouldn’t be all forgiving and doting when you showed up with the flowers. I think you have some issues if you don’t realize that you could have saved all of that by not hanging up to begin with. Besides, people who are good communicators don’t really need to hang up. They can actually communicate tactfully that they need some time to think about the conversation and it would be better to table that until tomorrow. Any reasonable person on the other end– when approached like that– will give the other person the time or space they need. But hanging up on someone is just dismissive and rude and communicates that you don’t care at all about what they have to say. As far as Christopher’s stance that you taught her a lesson… I’m not sure what lesson that was exactly. Seeing as how it played out, it may have been in Kyle’s best interest to not hang up to begin with and then the rest of the drama wouldn’t have followed. Christopher, during the course of our relationship, hung up on me more times than I can count… even when I was calmly telling him that I didn’t appreciate something he’d done, if he didn’t want to hear it, he’d just hang up. It usually followed with him calling me back and leaving these “I’m sorry, baby…” voicemails on my answering machine. But you know… it’s much more difficult and requires more maturity to actually listen to the person and deal with whatever their issue is effectively. It’s very easy to just hang up and tell yourself it’s “their” problem, not your’s. And if you want to handle things that way, go for it… it’s your prerogative. But please don’t be astounded, pissed, or confused when it doesn’t work out… you already know it won’t.
Christopher the Pyro stated
She forget’s I have vonage and a record of all the voice mails from the last year… those would make a excellent PodCast history.. which would completely justify my hanging up.
Kyle.. don’t buy flowers next time.
Christine the Lioness commented
Christopher… didn’t you just give him the advice to buy flowers for a temporary reprieve in #7? (This is why I hesitate at taking Christopher’s advice on anything) 
kyle the Groupie added
see with christine`s response we can clearly see the inflexibility of the woman…. Christopher created a general list of things that will apply to the average woman and then I tried them, the one failed so we have to change the outline for my particular case…. and why should i buy flowers if it aint getting me any anyway???
Christine the Lioness got all philosophical
Do I need to remind you that the reason you were in a quandry about the flowers is because you fucked up to begin with? Oh let me guess… that part’s irrelevant.
What guys don’t get… which is the simplest solution of all… is that you don’t have to deal with an insane girlfriend if you don’t make her insane. Here… an analogy will help them understand. You no wreck car, you no have to fix car. Did that help, Kyle???
Katie the Mercenary hunt n' pecked this
buying flowers will help smooth things over but it isnt a quick fix. Give them to her with a quick note of apology and let her sit on that for awhile. You all cant expect to buy your way back into her life and pants…then wouldnt she be a prostitute? lol I would think after reading all the comments from girls on this blog Christopher would have a clue! lol we are basically telling you what is acceptable, what to do if you messed up…and man get your act together you better snatch Christine up before soem other guy does who reminds her everyday how bbeautiful she is, and that no matter what would love her.
Christopher the Pyro hunt n' pecked this
Trust me, I don’t consider any of the women who comment on this blog normal.. if your agreeing with Christine that makes you insane also… God.. I thought you ladies would have figured that out by now. As for snatching Christine up, that’s probably true but we only get along when she can date about 15 guys, (Because she needs to be taking to breakfast, lunch and dinner about 14 times a week to feel appreciated) and she has already clearly idenfitied why I don’t work for her and informed me of the ways I suck (and don’t suck) and either told me to change the ways I suck or else.
Timmy the Virgin thought this
Learn spelling and grammar techniques, then you can rant about some crap you obivously know nothing about.
Christopher the Pyro uttered
Ahh Timmy did nobody ever tell you not to be such a little faggot in the blogsphere?
Keith the Director asserted
Ahh how misguided! I still don’t understand the obession with flowers…I refuse to buy flowers for anything! They are good for about 3 days then they die…what a good waste of $50-$80…Wow at least if you buy chocolates or something she can enjoy those for something more and maybe she will even give you 1 or 2! There are plenty of other ways to say I’m sorry if you even feel inclined to apologize…b/c most of the time it’s the woman who should be buying the guy something and saying I’m sorry for making you mad which is why you yelled at me and I got offended in the first place. which is now why you are buying me flowers b/c I’m mad at you! Guys apologize entirely too much for things they didn’t even do.
Keith the Director penned this
Chris btw 2,3, and 8 are on the money bro
Keith the Director pontificated
Timmy you are a deuchbag….nuff said! If you want to be an english teacher do it somewhere else l-)
Christine the Lioness hunt n' pecked this
Keith… I have an idea… instead of spending any money on her… why don’t you just buy something for yourself? Like a new video game or something and then you’ll have something to occupy your time (besides of course repeating to yourself that *she* should have been the one apologizing) when she’s gone…
Keith the Director spake, and sayeth
Christine 
I have pondered what you said for all of about 1 second while reading it. See the thing is girls don’t leave me, I dump them! [-x …I’m not saying I’ve never spent money on a girl before, in fact i even gave my….2 ex’s ago flowers for Valentine’s Day/Birthday being they were a day apart! I hate Valentines day(what a joke) thats for another post though. I belive it was the last time I have purchased flowers and that was back in college at least 5 yrs ago. See I will spend money on my girl but I ill be spending it on something useful, not something you throw away in 3 days!
jon the Virgin up'n wrote this
the way u handle a psycho gf is to tell them they are psycho…bipolar…crazy ect….this shuts them up…they start to cry…and then after an hour of silence while u watch tv they come back and say sorry..
Christopher the Pyro pontificated
Sometimes it takes all night..
Christine the Lioness said this
I’m sure that’s much easier than actually listening to whatever complaint she might have… and better yet, you don’t have to miss Grey’s Anatomy! LOL!
Mara the Peacemaker remarked
Grey’s Anatomy is a really good show
Christopher the Pyro commented
Well.. whatever complaint she will have can’t be fixed anyway.. at least not without her inventing a new one.. so it is absolutely easier then actually listening.. (because that is rather pointless).
Abysium the Soldier stated
Ha! Flowers?! Cant acctualy see the point of them myself, but she treats them like they are gods gift… Cant use them for making up to her thou… (coz she knows the intent)…
If you decide on flowers without them being to make up to her, you will score extra points, but who cares…
Somtimes feeding her arsenic would be a much better sign of my affection…
Girls: cant live with them, cant kill em… (thou I acctually am living with mine for the last 2 years, alas I yet did not succed in killing her)
Some other ideas on the list did all sound nice, but are an ethical problem to me… Thou Im sure that if the tables were turned, she wouldnt have any slightest problem whatsoever…
On the subject of the complaint departement:
Girls nead to complain about things coz it keeps them talking (only god knows why they nead to keep talking, but that is how they are made), but to my point; all guys have a built in ignore function with a special “Aha”/”Yes”/” 
quote last sentence she said), see, I am listening to you” subfunction…
How is it possible that they have a talent for making you feel guilty without you acctually doing anything wrong?
Abysium the Soldier stated
damn face thingy, i hate it when they pop into my ranting without me acctually wanting them *goes kill the with an axe
Christine the Lioness scribbled
I know Aby… it happens to all of us. But it’s the price we pay to have the bliss of emoticons in our lives… 
Robert Mandrake the Virgin up'n wrote this
Totally hilarious.
You think it is?
Well yeah… In a sad kind of way…
But look at the bright side,
am announcing my singleness which kind of cancels out why I acctually read this tread in the first place…
But maybe now I could add a few tips on how to get rid of one…
Abysium the Soldier mentioned
that was me…
Christine the Lioness added
Sometimes breaking up is the best thing to do.
Lynne Fiedler the Virgin asserted
Maybe she just needs an enema 
ProphetJoe the Irreverent penned this
Why, Lynne, you kinky little vixen!
Trouble the Pirate scribbled
Did someone say ‘enema?’
Abysium the Soldier remarked
‘enema’ ???
what am i missing?
Christine the Lioness commented
You and me both, Abyss. I didn’t get the enema thing either… too kinky for me I guess. ???
ProphetJoe the Irreverent said this
ProphetJoe the Irreverent remarked
or, perhaps it (the enema) was just Lynne Fiedler’s suggestion on how to handle an insane girlfriend…
Abysium the Soldier thought this
Ahha,
so in fact what was said was that someone should stick it up her where the sun dont shine…
maybe it would help… or maybe it would just make her walk funny… which would, if nothing else, be fun to see;)
romar the Virgin commented
tangna nyo mga hayupkayo!hehheh 
romar the Virgin thought this
na nyo!!
you are all asshole.. or torn in yourass.. see you later malicious alligator..
piz out.. 
Christopher the Pyro scribbled
Now there is a news flash.. I’m an asshole..
Christine the Lioness said this
I don’t know if you’re an asshole, but you’re certainly a malicious alligator. I’ve thought that for years…
ProphetJoe the Irreverent chimed in with
Perhaps you are NOT an asshole! Perhaps… you’re just torn in your ass….
[piz in]
ProphetJoe the Irreverent hunt n' pecked this
Christine said “… I didn’t get the enema thing either… too kinky for me I guess. ???”
Too kinky for you, Christine? Now I AM disappointed… I thought you were more adventurous. 
sean the Virgin remarked
My girl friend is driving me fucking crazy she had been being so fucking dramatic about everything for no reason and claims i talk to her bad now and im a horrible person because i cannot spend the whole day talking to her on the phone and i have to work god put a bullet threw my head
ProphetJoe the Irreverent asserted
First of all, Sean, I doubt God would use a firearm to kill you… I mean, seriously — if I could shoot fireballs and lightening from my fingertips, I wouldn’t care about using a gun! Why do you think God would use one??
Secondly, if you’re going to beseech the Lord to end your suffering, then learn how to spell “through” (not “threw”)… and perhaps, just perhaps, consider punctuation and capitalization.
Lastly, it sounds like your girlfriend (note: it is one word, not two) is desperately seeking your attention, support and validation. Since you are far too selfish and immature to meet her needs, Trouble and I are going to go give her a good work out right now… she’ll be so exhausted (not to mention sore ) she probably won’t be calling you again.
You’re welcome…
vijaykumar the Virgin mentioned
Hell,
I AM VIJAYKUMAR PADA , DOING MBA OF RITMS COLLEGE IN OF SHIVAJI UNIVERSITY
I AM ONE GIRL FRIEND PROPOSE WITH HER , THAN WHAT WILL NEXT DO ?
Kurt the Virgin up'n wrote this
When I met her she was sober and we moved in together and we got her 13 year old daughter back in her life. A few months later she quit work and lived of death benifits from her dead husband. (Maybe this should have been a hint.) DUH on me. Well as soon as she quit work she started drinking around the clock and add zanex etc. and soon it became disaterous. After 8 months and I must add I stayed for her daughter or should have or would have left sooner . I finallyjust walked out after 4-5 trips to detox and 5 trips to the hospital anf finally the police had to take her out of the house and put her into the nut house for a while. I left her alone ie. no phone contact and did not attempt to see her well now I have a restraining order on me for 5 years that could possiably my profesional licencing status or even have my licence revoked. I am about to file an appeal which takes a long time and is very time concuming. Anyone have sudjestions all I did was try and keep her alive. She esentually set me up for reasons of her own. I never laid hands on her or her child which I cane to love as my own. I’M A MAN THAT GOT TO SAY THE LEAST SCREWED IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE . HEPL.
ProphetJoe the Irreverent commented
Good luck with that mess, Kurt!
Abysium the Soldier added
Now thats so messed up I cant even uderstand why you’re posting this.
)
Ben the Kingpin commented
Foot pads detox is good too.
ProphetJoe the Irreverent chimed in with
Christine should work an enema into her next thriller plot…
Tyson F. Gautreaux the Virgin commented
Quite interesting blog and really great post! Thank you.
Nick D. the Virgin commented
why is it always the guys fault, have girls ever once stopped and been like hey! maybe im just being a bitch… like can you stop your self centered world and think about someone else besides yourself.. and im not saying guys cant be fucken retards, and sometimes we deserve it.. but you know how when you girls get pissed off at us, and were pissed because your all mad at us.. and we throw away the fact that were pissed off just to make you happy. but no why would anyone care about hey im pissed at you but ill stop being mad so i can make you happy.. like who would want someone to do that!? dumb right.? they dont even take a second to look at some of the nice stuff we do.. they always look at the wrong things.. never agknowledge the nice things we do its always wrong. wrong. wrong
irishdude the Virgin chimed in with
My favorite times are when my wife is being a complete bitch, and her reason for being in a bad mood is “I’m sick” or “I’m tired”, yet if I even dare to have a bad mood because I’ve been sick for a week with walking pneumonia and massive ear infections, I’m being an asshole and need to change my attitude. Seriously? Why is it ok for women to be bitchy for some reasons but totally unacceptable for me to not be a ray of sunshine when I’m going thru the same crap?
Names and emails are required (emails aren't displayed), url's are optional.
