christine the Lioness added

Christopher obviously has had enough difficulty with women to feel the need to write tips for other guys (who probably don’t create issues, and therefore, have no need to deal with a woman they’ve turned insane). However… I would like to address some of what Christopher’s tips were, just so you poor boys who actually think Christopher’s advice could help, don’t wind up with a girlfriend who is completely homicidal.
1. When she starts to talk crazy.. (like accusing you of taking her granted), thank her politely for cooking you lunch and get up and start to put your shoes and and then tell her what time you will be back for dinner.

When you return for dinner… make sure to wait about 20 minutes after your first bite before continuing… arsenic takes about that long to take affect.
2. When she tells you ?You don?t really care about me?, look at her bewildered and ask her to define her meaning of ?care? because is going to have to be more specific
She’s already stating the obvious… if you can’t figure out what she’s talking about, do yourself a favor and purchase a children’s picture dictionary.
3. When she tells you to let her out of the car? slam on your breaks, open and the door and push here out? you won?t get this chance often so make the most of it.
When the cops slap on the handcuffs, don’t be surprised if your girlfriend forgets to mention the part where she asked to be let out of the car. Oops! Sorry, babe… I meant to bail you out, but you forgot to change the oil in my car and I was preoccupied taking care of that… hope it wasn’t too boring in there.
4. It is a good idea to ?girlfriend proof? one of the rooms in your house.. and what I mean is.. add a couple extra steal dead lock?s, add some sound proofing barriers and make sure there is a window you can escape out of. This will allow you some time to gather yourself (or take a nap) in moments of complete insanity.
I thought this special room was called “the living room, the bedroom, the den…” and wherever else Christopher pretty much parks his lazy ass to sleep in the middle of the day… hmmm…
5. When she tells you that you only visit her because she has a great television, scrunch your eyebrows look her directly in the eyes and say.. ?Honey, that isn?t true, your a wonderful cook and fun in bed also!?
Ladies… if your man can’t afford as good of a television as you have, with double the earning power of a woman… then dump him. You can do better… this is one that will never be able to buy you anything worth having.
6. Ask her to write down her issues and email them to you with the title ?Relationship Issues? and tell her you will study the list and do what you can to address those issues.. (but in reality just set your spam filter to trash anything with ?Relationship Issues? in the title. When she asks about what you thought about her list, tell her that you are working on all the issues and you appreciate her taking the time to write you a nine page email.
And just remember, that the next time you need to call her and ask her to mapquest something for you because you’re lost and have driven 50 miles out of your way because you can’t pay enough attention to freeway exit signs… don’t be surprised if she says “I’ll work on that… Let me call you back.” If your cell doesn’t ring within the hour…you can find your own way home.
7. Buying her flowers can earn you a temporary reprieve.
Apparently Christopher hasn’t need a reprieve that badly… I have yet to receive flowers… besides, it’s a bad idea anyway. Don’t ever buy your girlfriend something to make up for something you fucked up. Just be a man and apologize… it’s cheaper and you’ll retain your chance of getting laid.

8. Despite what she keeps telling you.. your behavior is probably fine? just keep repeating that to yourself and you will be happier (which is really what this post is all about).
You will have lots of time to chant that mantra to yourself when you’re home alone jacking off, and your girlfriend is cooking dinner in nothing but a heels and a g-string for some other guy…

9. When you need a break or a few hour of sleep.. slipping tranquilizers into her drink or food is morally acceptable.

I completely agree with this one… I mean Christopher does it when he wants to have sex and I don’t, so why not do it when he’s sick of talking…

10. Don?t get down on yourself, no matter what you do she will still be crazy.. there really is no cure.. all you can do is follow my steps and protect yourself as best you can.

God, I’m so tired all of the sudden… *yawn* what’s up with me lately… I just… need to sleep for a little while… maybe I’ll finish my response tomor…

July 23rd, 2005

Christine the Lioness asserted

Okay… I have to ask. Why would you get yourself into that situation to begin with by hanging up on her? And what made you think flowers and chocoloate would make up for being an ass to her? Don’t you think life is much easier when you don’t have to buy stuff for girls to make up for something else you did? It seems like it might be…

September 25th, 2005

Christine the Lioness spake, and sayeth

Hrmmm… interesting how Christopher and Alex think. Alex, if you were so justified in hanging up on her, why did you feel the need to “make it up to her” by buying her flowers? Second question, when she wasn’t appreciative that you would buy her something to make up for being a prick, you had the audacity to call her every 4 letter word you could think of??? So you were mad at her because why exactly? She should have accepted that flowers make up for being treated poorly? Honestly, she had every right to be pissed and you knew it or you wouldn’t even have thought about doing something to make up for it… and even though it was a good effort on your part, you should have expected that maybe she wouldn’t be all forgiving and doting when you showed up with the flowers. I think you have some issues if you don’t realize that you could have saved all of that by not hanging up to begin with. Besides, people who are good communicators don’t really need to hang up. They can actually communicate tactfully that they need some time to think about the conversation and it would be better to table that until tomorrow. Any reasonable person on the other end– when approached like that– will give the other person the time or space they need. But hanging up on someone is just dismissive and rude and communicates that you don’t care at all about what they have to say. As far as Christopher’s stance that you taught her a lesson… I’m not sure what lesson that was exactly. Seeing as how it played out, it may have been in Kyle’s best interest to not hang up to begin with and then the rest of the drama wouldn’t have followed. Christopher, during the course of our relationship, hung up on me more times than I can count… even when I was calmly telling him that I didn’t appreciate something he’d done, if he didn’t want to hear it, he’d just hang up. It usually followed with him calling me back and leaving these “I’m sorry, baby…” voicemails on my answering machine. But you know… it’s much more difficult and requires more maturity to actually listen to the person and deal with whatever their issue is effectively. It’s very easy to just hang up and tell yourself it’s “their” problem, not your’s. And if you want to handle things that way, go for it… it’s your prerogative. But please don’t be astounded, pissed, or confused when it doesn’t work out… you already know it won’t.

November 14th, 2005

Christine the Lioness chimed in with

Christopher… didn’t you just give him the advice to buy flowers for a temporary reprieve in #7? (This is why I hesitate at taking Christopher’s advice on anything)

November 14th, 2005

Christine the Lioness remarked

Do I need to remind you that the reason you were in a quandry about the flowers is because you fucked up to begin with? Oh let me guess… that part’s irrelevant.

What guys don’t get… which is the simplest solution of all… is that you don’t have to deal with an insane girlfriend if you don’t make her insane. Here… an analogy will help them understand. You no wreck car, you no have to fix car. Did that help, Kyle???

December 30th, 2005

Christine the Lioness up'n wrote this

Keith… I have an idea… instead of spending any money on her… why don’t you just buy something for yourself? Like a new video game or something and then you’ll have something to occupy your time (besides of course repeating to yourself that *she* should have been the one apologizing) when she’s gone…

April 17th, 2006

Christine the Lioness up'n wrote this

I’m sure that’s much easier than actually listening to whatever complaint she might have… and better yet, you don’t have to miss Grey’s Anatomy! LOL!

June 4th, 2007

Christine the Lioness got all philosophical

I know Aby… it happens to all of us. But it’s the price we pay to have the bliss of emoticons in our lives…

June 17th, 2007

Christine the Lioness spake, and sayeth

Sometimes breaking up is the best thing to do.

July 24th, 2007

Christine the Lioness stated

You and me both, Abyss. I didn’t get the enema thing either… too kinky for me I guess. ???

November 11th, 2007

Christine the Lioness thought this

I don’t know if you’re an asshole, but you’re certainly a malicious alligator. I’ve thought that for years…

April 3rd, 2008