10. If he hangs up on you because you are “bitching,” “nagging,” or “screaming in his ear,” hit redial over and over, calling him back until he is forced to unplug his phone, or turn his cell completely off. This is good because without a working phone, he will have plenty of time to think about everything he did wrong without distracting calls from his friends.
9. If he makes a good point while you’re arguing– or has a believable, reasonable explanation for whatever fucked up decision he made– bring up all the fucked up things he’s done in the past that he didn’t have an explanation for. This tactic is good, because he will be caught off guard and forget about the point he just made allowing you to move on to the other things about him that bug you.
8. If he says something that hurts your feelings, start making accusations as quickly as you can. The more ambiguous, the better. Like if he says, “You are being a real bitch,” respond with, “I knew you never really cared about me,” or “I should have known you were just using me the whole time,” or “Why are you always so mean?” Those are general enough that he can’t really defend his behavior with anything concrete.
7. If you are in a fight when you’re in his car, tell him to pull over and let you out. When he refuses by saying something like, “Are you insane?! I’m not going to let you out on the freeway…” put your hand on the door handle like you might actually open the door while he’s driving. After all… it’s his fault for calling you insane. On the flip side, if you aren’t on the freeway and he does pull over to let you out, you should give him a shocked look and say, “I can’t believe you were actually going to dump me off in the middle of nowhere and make me walk! What kind of person are you???” If he isn’t at your heightened emotional state yet, that phrase will probably get him there.
6. If he uses a word you don’t like… like “cunt” for example, and you happen to have a sharp instrument in your hand, go ahead and stab him. Being as that men will never go to the hospital even when they need to… chances are, he’ll just slap a bandage on that puppy and ride it out. Men are typically bigger, stronger, and heavier than we are, so it’s important for us to threaten with a weapon when the situation calls for it. After the surprise leaves their stunned eyes, they usually tend to get pretty mad… but that’s okay, because you were mad about that word he used. He should have known better.
5. If you happen to realize half way through the argument that you might actually be in the wrong on this one… do not apologize. Backing down will show them that they are, at times, correct. Instead, change your strategy and say something to the affect of “You always think it’s my fault, don’t you?” or “Of course, I’m wrong. You’re never wrong. You’re perfect. I’m a horrible, vile person.” Sometimes they get so baffled by the sudden strategic switch, that they just stare at you. If his jaw starts to tighten and untighten rapidly, you’ve probably succeeded in your mission. I like to call this one the “pinch hitter.”
4. If he tells you that he’s done talking about whatever you’re talking about for the night, whatever you do, don’t stop talking about it. “I’m done talking about this,” actually means “I’m getting tired and my defenses aren’t up to par.” If you really pull out the big guns now, you’re sure to win… wearing your opponent down works in boxing, and if your man is punch-drunk, you’ll come out a victor.
3. If he kicks you out of his house, don’t leave. Sit down on the sofa or position yourself far away from the door. This tends to put them over the edge.
2. If he did something that was really insensitive and after an hour of fighting, he finally apologizes… punish him for not apologizing off the bat by pretending that you either didn’t hear the apology, or that you took it as sarcastic on his part even when you know it isn’t.
1. If you realize you’re wrong, but your fight has continued for quite some time, and you’ve been screaming and yelling for a significant portion of it… a really good idea is to suddenly say in a super calm voice, “I have no idea what you’re so upset about. What’s wrong?” and pretend that the whole fight hadn’t even happened. They will stop. Their shoulders will sink. They will be very quiet. They won’t know what to do… they won’t say anything, not wanting to risk getting into a fight again, but they’ll be baffled. Men are usually baffled anyway… so you’re just helping them return to their natural emotional state.
DISCLAIMER: Now… before I start getting “hate” posts… you need to realize that at times, Christopher, I may have done some of these things during our fights, but I promise that none of them were premeditated. When I decided to write this post, I came up with the things that Christopher told me annoy him to death during our arguments, and then figured out ways to justify them and make them into positives. I’m just the kind of person that always sees the glass half full.