11 Phrases Women Should Not Tell Me

1 The phrase ‘I’d say it’s bang-on average, if not slightly bigger’. Best to steer clear of the size issue. Like us talking about your weight, it can only lead to misunderstanding and hurt.

2 Obsessive accounts of your diet and exercise regime. Men like skinny women, true. But they dislike being exposed to the borderline eating disorders and pathological obsessiveness that produce them. And curvy and sane always beats mad and thin. Eventually.

3 The accusing phrase, ‘What’s wrong with the blue dress, then?’ after we have said we like the red one.

4 Any information about things you thought about buying. We are perfectly happy to admire actual purchases, but yearning for those phantom shoes/dress/bag exasperates us.

5 Stories about other men patronizing you. This will give us an irresistible urge to ruffle your hair and say in a kids-TV voice, ‘Awww, did dey? Did dey do dat to oo?’ I know, sometimes we’re asking for trouble.

6 The word ‘Fine’ as a stand-alone sentence. The scariest syllable in the female vocabulary.

7 The sound of weeping. It destroys us, and it is just bad sportsmanship.

8 Any details of strife you may be having with your female friends. The endless round of hurt and rapprochement that constitutes girls’ friendships mystifies us. If she’s that much trouble just delete her from your cell.

9 The phrase, ‘Can you turn over, you’re snoring’. Great, now that we are both of us awake.

10 The words ‘Am I special? Am I?’ Especially if you are drawing a circle around our nipple with your finger at the time.

11 Your dreams. Unless we’re in them. And in a good light, too. If not, save ‘em for the shrink.

18 thoughts on “11 Phrases Women Should Not Tell Me

  1. also, I think that digging for emotions after sex could be added as point 12…
    or maybe as subpoint to number 10… it really isnt fair

  2. Let me qualify that though. “Fine” alone is bad. Other versions of “fine” like “Oh, that’s fine” or “Sure, it’s fine” mean exactly what they sound like. When it’s just the word “fine” by itself, that usually means whatever you’ve been discussing, she’s not okay with whatever it is you want to do, and she’s switched from debate mode to retaliation-at-some-point-in-the-future-when-you-least-expect-it mode should you decide to go through with your said plan.

  3. Okay, so I guess I should comment on all of these:

    1 Agree. Don’t mention his size or compare him to anyone else you’ve ever dated, or even lie about how big it is if he’s really small. Just don’t say anything. If it’s too small to function the way you want it to, suggest other positions, and remember there are pros and cons to big and small. Big feels great but is harder to give head to, small is… what am I saying? Small just sucks (and not in the good way). If he’s small and hasn’t learned how to compensate on his own, just dump him and find someone else. *wink*

    2 I agree with this one. But if you’re going to keep quiet about your exercise routine, then he really needs to stop giving you details on the levels he reached in his video games, how big the dump was that he took, and the monotonous details of every play his team made on his flag football league.

    3 It’s just a question. If there’s nothing wrong with the blue dress, say there’s nothing wrong with it. If there is, tell us what it is so we can return the dress and get a better one.

    4 That usually only comes after they’ve bought us several gifts we had to secretly return on our own because they were something we’d never, ever use. Guys, telling you what we’re thinking of buying is basically saying, “Here’s a free pass– should you decide to get me something– and you don’t have to, but if you want to– here are some things I would like to have.” After all, I had to listen over and over again about how badly Christopher wanted a Wii, and before that, an XBox 360 (he even posted on here about it). We realize subtlety is not your strong point, boys, but simply listening to what people say will help you get to know them better. And quite frankly, gifts are always more thoughtful when you try to get someone something THEY want rather than something YOU feel like getting without taking their preferences into consideration.

    5 I have no idea what he’s talking about here. Most guys are kind of protective and don’t like to hear stories about people mistreating their girlfriends or wives. To dismiss it and make fun of that is… kinda weird.

    6 I already addressed the word “Fine.”

    7 They hate the sound of crying. Of course, if they stopped doing things to make you cry, they’d have to listen to it a lot less.

    8 They don’t get it. They’re not supportive. They don’t understand. Just call your other girlfriends for advice. Guys don’t understand that sometimes women just have to talk through their own problems to come to their own solution. You’d think they’d relish in the idea of just sitting there and listening without being saddled with the task of coming up with a solution for you. Not possible. Unfortunately.

    9 If I’m awake from something you are doing, damn straight you’re gonna get woken up as well. If I was unknowingly doing something that caused a guy to suffer, there is no doubt in my mind he’d make sure I knew about it.

    10 It’s better to do this and draw a circle around your own nipple. Then the answer will always be yes.

    11 Especially don’t tell them if your dream included you having lesbian sex. They will take that to mean that you subconsciously want a threesome and harp on it forever. Of course, the funny thing is, if you tell them you had a dream about two guys, they never assume there’s anything subliminal about that… suddenly “dreams don’t really mean anything.”

    ;-)

  4. Back to point 8;
    Dear Christine, how can you even think that telling someone about an unsolved situation for 2h straight is not asking for that person to solve it? If youre so sure you can and want to solve it on youre own, go talk to a cactus plant…
    Just really dont bother us with it…

  5. OK, I just have to address Christine’s points:

    1) “Big feels great but is harder to give head to, small is…” — umm, that’s why God gave you a gag reflex. We’re just here to help you exercise it ;)

    3) What’s wrong with the blue dress?? Honey, it makes your ass look like a hippo’s butt. Just kidding. Since you (the woman) are holding both dresses, it is obvious to us (men) that each would be entirely appropriate for the occasion. We are simply stating our color or cleavage preference at that particular moment in time. It doesn’t mean there’s anything “wrong” with the blue dress. In fact, if you ask me again tomorrow, I may not remember you own a blue dress…

    4) “We realize subtlety is not your strong point, boys, but simply listening to what people say will help you get to know them better.” — then you should have recognized that gifts are obligatory gestures on our part. We buy you anniversary presents, birthday presents, Christmas presents. Every other time we want to show our love, devotion and undying love for you, we’d really rather give you the gift that keeps on giving… (this *is* a reference to ‘topher facial treatment)

    5) ??

    6) The word “fine”. When she asks how she looks in the red dress, just tell her she looks fine. Generally, they will change into the blue dress. According to the Free Dictionary, there are roughly 16 usages — women manage to find about 24 usages. Men don’t know those other 8…

    7) Crying is for babies. If you want us to treat you like an adult, stop it now.

    8) Men are problems solvers. No, we don’t “get it” when you ask us to sit and listen to a problem (that doesn’t involve us or our relationship) for 45 minutes and then DON’T want us to solve it. It is a complete waste of our time. We would have been honored had you asked us to solve the problem, but NO, you just want us to listen and NOT RESPOND — and this is something Christine think we would relish?? Are you kidding, you’ve insulted us! It would be akin to YOU (women) asking a famous fashion designer to come review your wedding plans, and then NOT wanting them to comment on the dresses, tuxedos, decorating, etc. but instead you ask them what color punch you should serve… do ya think the designer would be flattered??

    9) How about something you can’t control, not just something you’re “unknowingly doing” — if you fart in your sleep (and you do, don’t deny it) should Christopher wake your ass up to tell you to quit farting??

    10) It doesn’t matter who’s nipple the circle is being drawn around, the key is the phrasing. You aren’t supposed to be asking “Am I special”. You supposed to be asking “give me your special treatment. I NEED your special treatment right now”. As Christine noted above, we are not subtle creatures… but we can solve THAT problem for you!

    11) It doesn’t really matter Christine. You’re in OUR dreams in a lesbian scene anyway. Do you want to know how it ends?? 8)

  6. PJ, I love your #7. It reminds me of the typical couple conversation. Woman complains about something the husband does (he’s not affectionate enough, etc). Husband responds with “How do I fix it or what do you want me to do to fix it?” Husband complains about the same thing and wife responds “How does that make you feel?”

  7. WOAH WOAH WOAH.

    Your favorite past time in the world is telling me I’m the only man in the world with certain fucked up opinions… and now all men are sort of alike.. this is a MAJOR breakthrough people.

  8. Do you people see what just happened here??

    1. Christopher made a point (the original post)
    2. Christine countered with her own assertions
    3. After some minor banter, ProphetJoe made his opinions known.
    4. Mara agrees with ProphetJoe’s point #7
    5. Christine sees the light and CHristopher is awed.

    Hear me people! Follow my words — ProphetJoe truly is THE ORACLE!

    (‘topher – lots of spam last night ‘eh?)

  9. I found this while googling for Groupie Stories, and even though it’s completely irrelevant to what I was searching for, I just have to say: I love you people. You made my day.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>