Monthly Archives: March 2005

Mar 31

What is Wrong With America?

About a dozen or so years ago after the Soviet Union Collapsed the world started to debate how long it has been since one country had held so much sway over the world at any given time. Was it the British empire 100 years ago, the spanish empire 500 years ago.. No the answer is not since the Roman empire 2000 years ago has any one country had the ability to manipulate and control the world as the United States does now. This is all fine and dandy with me, those who read history know it repeats itself to a great extent and it was only a matter of time until some country because the sole power of the world, I have absolutely no issues actually living and thriving in that country, in fact it pleases me a great deal I want to make clear I am not concerned about Brazil, Iran, Spain, or really anywhere else.. I’m concerned about America. (I guess this goes back to the old theory of worry about yourself before you worry about what others are doing).

My issues arise from how our country is being run and I assure you I’m not referring to Mr. Bush’s Presidency in my opinion this president actually does what is best for the United States long term interest and the fact that he tramples the rest of the world while doing it doesn’t really bother me (fuck them I’m worried about America).

What does bother me about America right now? It bothers me that our law makers can get together for an emergency session about Terri Schiavo (a very questionable exercise in power) but they cannot solve medicare, social security, education, or the homeless situations in our major cities. Those are just a couple of the MAJOR issues that congress should be address, the list of issues that are actually easy to fix (illegal immigration, pollution, ect) is a mile long yet those are also ignored. I want to talk about Education.. We are the richest country in the world it’s not even close yet our educational system while it has improved over the last 20 years and the “No Child Left Behind Act is a good idea” the improvement has been uneven at best while other countries are still moving ahead of us. We need major action, we need to dump our riches into solving our educational woes. High School drop out rates are higher then they were in 1983, 32% dropout before graduation, another 32% finish high school but aren’t ready for college or work, that’s 64% that are not being educated enough. This leads to other far reaching society and moral issues, including the abuse of welfare, abortion, drug use, homelessness, ect. How important is high school drop out rates.. Well when you have 64% not making the cut your affecting society in a very bad way. I believe we should federalize our high school system it is too important an issue to leave to local communities that somehow manage to fuck it up despite the BILLIONS of dollars that we pour into it. When you are Rome you must act like it so I have no issue with America going off to some far off land and issuing a beat down when it is appropriate (and lets face it, the world needs reminded not to fuck with us every 3 or 4 years) but I do have major issues with us allowing our educational system to continue to decline. Should we panic no, we have the money, resources and the will power to solve any problem, America is a country of winners and go getters but we do need to identify a clear problem when it is slapping us in the face and come up with a clear solution to solve this problem. I won’t pretend that I’m smart enough to solve this problem but I am intelligent enough to see that there is one, and an major one at that. A good start would be to stop calling emergency session over 1 person in Flordia and start looking at how and why the rest of the world is educating their children better then we educate ours.

Mar 30

5 Ways to Train Your Man to Pee INSIDE the Toilet

5 Ways to Train Your Man to Get Every Last Drop Inside the Bowl…

1. Line the floor around the toilet with issues of his favorite sports magazine. Since we know a man will never actually bend down and pick up anything that is on the floor, he will be very careful not to drip on them. Note: when trying this, it is very important that you use only sports magazines. If you use issues of Playboy or some other T & A magazine, you may end up needing to wipe down the floor and the walls…

2. Put a handful of cheerios in the toilet. Men love simple, mindless games that challenge their motor skills. This is why they stand in line for hours to purchase the latest games on X-box. When he sees the cheerios floating in the toilet, his first inclination will be to try to sink them. This is a method that has been used to trained toddlers to pee inside the bowl for years… since the mentalilty of most men never progresses that far beyond that of a toddler, this will work for your man too.

3. Trick him into thinking he’s getting a blow job. This one takes a little work, but a quick trip to Home Depot and a grocery store will give you what you need. At the market, buy a women’s magazine and find a full-page ad of an attractive woman’s face. Cut out the face and a large opening where her mouth is. Glue the page to a funnel and then tape the skinny end of the funnel to a short garden hose. Tuck the end of the garden hose under the toilet seat. Your man will be tempted to stick his flopster into the mouth hole of the model. His pee will then travel through the hose and trickle into the toilet.

4. Reward his good behavior. Tell your man that if he can go an entire month without peeing on the floor or the rim, you’ll… [insert whatever he likes here]. Chances are, he won’t be able to get the pee inside the toilet, but at least he’ll wipe it up or use the bathroom at the gas station down the block just so you’ll think he did. One word of warning… you will most likely have to ante up on your promise at the end of the month, so make sure it isn’t something you’re completely unwilling to do…

5. Hide all consumable liquids. A little dehydration never really hurt anyone… if there’s no intake, there won’t be any output either. Remove all the beer, soda, and water from the kitchen and put it some place he’ll never look… like the closet where you keep the vacuum. If he begins to show symptoms of dehydration– like constipation, muscle shrinkage, or becomes too weak to stand on his own– give him a little Gatorade. He’ll be fine… and if he isn’t, there are lots more guys where he came from. Just get a new one. ;-)

Mar 25

What Do They Really Mean?

“I am lactose intolerant.”
She means… “I will mercilessly fart like a demon crawled up my ass and died if I take a bite of your alfredo sauce.”

“I want to just be friends.”
She means… “I really can’t stand anything about you and I have no intention of ever talking to you again, but if I told you that, I’d seem like a real cunt-nut so I’ll pretend that you have some value to me on some level.”

“I want to just be friends.”
He means… “I don’t want to ever be obligated to spend money on you or time with you again, but I would still like to know that my call will be taken if I’m drunk and horny and need someone to fuck.”

“You’ve really improved.”
He means… “Whatever it is you’re attempting to do, you still suck at, and actually you suck just as badly as you did the first time you tried to do it, and you should probably just give up because continuing to persevere only proves what a complete failure you are.”

“I was hoping we could just have a quiet night in.”
He means… “Instead of spending any money on you, I’d like to save it for the horse races tomorrow and a couple of beers at the track, but I still want you to have sex with me, so I’m phrasing this as something romantic and I’m betting on the fact that you’re blonde enough that you won’t know the difference.”

“I was hoping we could just have a quiet night in.”
She means… “I’m so fucking sick of having to go out with you and your friends where you all act like a bunch of assholes by seeing how loud you can be and how much beer you can drink, so if you ever want to see me naked again, I suggest you text message your boys and cancel those plans.”

“Sometimes it’s just hard for me to come.”
She means… “You are really pathetic and desperately need to read a book on cunnilingus, but in an attempt to get you out of my house without looking like the bitch who actually told you what a numb-nut you are, I will make a thinly veiled attempt to make you feel good about the miniscule bit of manhood you have left.”

“You look good without make up.”
He means… “The visual image of you that keeps popping up in my mind is what you will look like as you wake me up with a blow job tomorrow morning, and quite frankly, the details of how much mascara you still have on are a bit fuzzy.”

“To be honest, I don’t really know what she sees in him.”
She means… “I’m so fucking jealous that her boyfriend is way better than the last seven guys I dated put together, I’m going to pretend he’s a loser so that she will either feel bad about herself, or break up with him so I can have a shot.”

“That guy’s a prick.”
He means… “That guy is getting more attention from women than I am because he’s got more game, but I’ll just decide to perceive his confidence as cockiness and talk shit about him to my friends so they know to get my back later on in the night when I decide to start a fight with him in a drunken stooper.”

Mar 25

Daylight Savings Time – An Idea Straight from Satan???

When do I have to change the clock and do I go forward or back?

Spring forward, fall back… that’s the mantra to remember. In short, you need to set your alarm clock for 2 a.m. on Sunday, April 3rd, drag your tired ass out of bed, re-set your clock for 3 a.m., and then go back to bed without being bitter that you not only had to get up at a time that no sane person would, and try to have a good attitude about losing an hour of rest. :-)

Does Daylight Saving Time actually save daylight? And if so, where is it stored?

The sun does not observe our daylight saving routine, and therefore doesn’t produce any extra sunlight. But here’s why we do it… by changing the clocks, tricking ourselves into thinking it’s 8:00 p.m., when it’s actually 7:00 p.m., the sun sets an hour later. That gives us more hours of daylight when we will actually use it (in the evening, as opposed to in the early morning when a lot of people are asleep anyway). During summer months, when it is warm, an extra hour of daylight means having an extra hour to do stuff outside, and enjoy the nice, warm weather before it gets dark.

Who the hell invented this thing?

Actually, Benjamin Franklin came up with the idea of daylight saving (he had a lot of good ideas– remember, he was the guy with the kite, the key, and the string… ). He created the plan as a way for resources to be saved. And actually, if that was the goal, it works. Because there is daylight for a longer period in the evening, people stay outside longer and don’t come in and use electricity to watch t.v. and turn on lights inside the house. It basically eliminates one hour between the sunset and bedtime that people would use energy inside their homes. It might seem insignificant, but it’s not. When you multiply one hour by a large percentage of households, a significant amount of energy is saved.

Can I move someplace where I never have to deal with changing my clocks again?

You can. And if it is such an inconvenience to you to change your clocks twice a year… or if you have trouble figuring out HOW to change your clock, let me be the first to encourage you to move away.
Daylight Saving Time is not observed in Hawaii and Arizona (except the Navajo Indian Reservation in Arizona does observe it– go figure), and part of Indiana (most of which is located in the Eastern time zone), and several U.S. territories (you know… those islands we own but won’t let them become states) like Puerto Rico, Guam, American Samoa, and the Virgin Islands don’t observe it.

Do other countries do this too?

Yes. Most of Europe does… as a matter of fact they adopted it before we did here in the States. The U.S. began recognizing Daylight Savings in 1918. It had a shakey start here because Roosevelt (during WWII) actually adopted “War Time” which meant each state could decide when they wanted to turn their clocks back or not and the whole thing got really screwed up. The Uniform Time Act in 1966 (does anyone else find it funny that the U.S. needed an “act” to establish time?) fixed the problem and standardized the process.

What does Daylight Saving Time have to do with smoke detectors?

Nothing. But apparently, although most American homes have smoke detectors, we aren’t real attentive to changing out our batteries and it is estimated that only 1/3 of smoke detectors actually have the batteries required to detect smoke. So… to help remind people to change their batteries, a campaign was launched to remind people to change them when they change the clocks (which is every 6 months). Since a lot of people can’t remember to change their clocks, or whether they’re supposed to go forward or back, I’m not sure that this was a successful campaign, but I appreciate anyone who is concerned for my safety and doesn’t want me to burn to death while I sleep.

Is Daylight Saving Time hazardous to our health?

No. That is a stupid question.

Is there anything else I should know about Daylight Saving Time in order to consider myself an educated person that has something to contribute to society?

I don’t think so… I mean, I pretty much covered the important stuff. But if anyone else thinks of anything, please post it.

Mar 25

Hold Me!!! Why Do You Always Just Go to Sleep After Sex?!?

As if men and women weren’t different enough to begin with… we also experience sex differently.

Although some experiences factor into the way men and women perceive their sex partners post-coital, for the most part, we are slaves to our hormones.

I’ve heard men say that women tend to get “too attached” after they sleep with them, or they “fall in love” with them. Usually, when a guy is telling me this, he’s drawing an inference that he’s just so good in bed, she can’t help herself… or women in general are just needy creatures who can’t decipher between physical pleasure and emotional connectedness. Hate to burst your oversized ego bubbles, but there’s actually a biological reason that women act this way. Listen up. You might learn something…

When a woman orgasms, a hormone called “oxytocin” is released in large amounts. The same hormone is also released during childbirth. Theoretically, the biological reason that women experience oxytocin bursts during childbirth is so that the mother will not abandon her baby. Oxytocin creates feelings of extreme connectedness in women, as well as a feeling of fierce protection. Originally, this was nature’s way of making sure that women would not simply give birth, not feel anything for the child, and leave it alone to die. Oxytocin, as well as adrenaline, is produced during the female orgasm, causing the woman to feel extreme connectedness and protective over the man she is with. I’ve often joked that if you want a woman to help you rob a bank, you should ask her after giving her a level 7… because after an orgasm like that, she won’t say no to anything. The effects of oxytocin can last several hours, but eventually dissipate and the “feelings of love” and wanting to dote over one’s man dissappear.

While women are experiencing the need to do something to feel connected (or have more sex), men are actually experiencing the opposite. There are a few different theories on this. Here are two…

One, is that the amount of adrenaline secreted during the male orgasm, and the energy it takes, leaves the man feeling completely fatigued. While women are actually boosted up and more awake after orgasm, men just need to recuperate.

Another theory has to do with how Cromagnon men and women procreated. Back then, in the early stages of evolution, men and women didn’t have monogamous relationships. When a man was horny, he pretty much took whichever woman he wanted… the feeling of indifference and fatigue he felt after raping her, allowed her to escape.

So, all in all… men are wired to do what they do after sex. Despite what it seems, it has nothing to do with how they feel about us, or how indifferent they are to our wants and desires. They actually can’t help it. So knowing this… I think all women should try to be a little more understanding when their guys roll over and start to snore. Besides… if you let him take a little nap, he’ll be all ready for round 2 when he wakes up, well-rested. ;-)