Monthly Archives: July 2005

Jul 29

Celebrity Home-Schooling: Finances 101

Madonna, being the mother that she is– and the original “Material Girl”– wants her 9-year-old daughter (Lourdes) to start learning the value of fiscal responsibility, and has decided to give her kid a credit card with a $10,000 limit. Lourdes, as I mentioned before, is 9 years old…

This is what happens when celebrities who live in castles and can purchase half of the free world in cash, decide to instruct their bratty little offspring about “the reality” and “responsibility” of understanding economic concepts. The problem is… I’m not convinced Madonna understands it herself. This is sort of like a Klansman lecturing college students on the importance of cultural diversity.
And why does Lourdes need to know how to be financially responsible anyway? Will she ever have to file bankruptcy because of credit card debt? Will she ever have to pay back a student loan? Find a work-study job? Eat Top Ramen nine days in a row so she can pay her rent? Will she have trouble opening that first checking account? Apparently not… some bank gave a prepubescent child a credit card with a higher limit than most adults who hold down a full-time job and have a credit score over 750.

And what is Lourdes going to buy? I’m sure it will be a lot because I get the sense with a mother like her’s… she must want for so many things that the privileged children get. Poor Lourdes. Thank God… now she can actually go buy that Barbie doll she’s always wanted… and maybe treat herself to a Playskool Karaoke machine.

What ever happened to $5 a week allowance and having to save up to buy the toy you wanted until you waited so long, the stores no longer carried them? What happened to making your child put half their allowance away in savings to learn the importance of keeping reserves? What’s Lourdes saving up for? A Ferrarri?

Madonna, Madonna, Madonna… I started arching my eyebrow when you went off the deep end with the Kabbalah, but babe, this time, you’re on your own…

Jul 28

Flights, Fast Food, and Getting Fucked

When you’re over a barrel, knowing you’re about to be f’d up the ass… I gues the best thing to do is ask to be handed the Vaseline. That’s sort of how I feel about trying to find something to eat when you’re marooned in an airport, serving “time” as you wait for a connecting flight. Fuck this supply and demand bullshit… this is all about greed. And my question is this: Why does a Big Mac value meal cost $3.49 everywhere in the country– regardless of the minimum wage or cost of living in each respective state, yet somehow the “value” of the same second-rate, shitty hamburger, greasy fries, and fountain soda (which consists of half a cent’s worth of syrup mixed with carbonated water in a paper cup that’s mostly filled with ice) suddenly skyrockets to $6.85 in an airport? Where’s the “value” in that? Quite frankly, that pisses me off.Do they think we’re stupid? Do they think we don’t know how much the 40 billion other people being served all over the country are paying for their Big Macs? They don’t even try to hide the fact they’re raping us. I’d have more respect if they were just honest and put up signs that said…

“We know you’re hungry and in a hurry to catch your flight. Because you are essentially captive in this ariport without opportunity or means to purchase food anywhere else, we’ve decided to use that to our advantage and charge you double what you’d normally pay for the same crap-ass food if you were not in such dire straights. Thank you for your patronage.”
~The McDonalds Corporation

By the way… we don’t pay our employees any more than we would if they worked at a location outside the airport where they didn’t have to park a mile away, take 2 shuttles, and go through security checkpoints just to come to work. So, yes, they’re getting fucked too. Please come again.I would also hope that they’d have this sign in Spanish, too.
And I guess as long as they don’t charge extra for the vaseline, I guess we’ll all continue to stand in line at the barrel, uh.. er… I mean… counter.

Jul 24

3 Myths About the Female Orgasm

I’m going to use a lot of sports analogies here just to make things crystal clear.
Here we go… myth vs. reality about the female “oh, oh, orgasm.” ;-)

Myth #1

If a woman can’t orgasm, she must be frigid.

Reality: The term “frigid” became common post-sexual revolution when men finally realized that the femaile orgasm was not only possible, but integral to a woman’s sexual experience. If a woman didn’t orgasm, it was believed she couldn’t and was labed “frigid” which let her partner off guilt-free if he couldn’t make her cum. In reality, no woman is frigid (unless she’s living in a country that practices female genital mutilation). By the age of 25, all women have the physical ability to orgasm, and some do at a much younger age. If a woman doesn’t orgasm, it is because of one of two reasons: her partner doesn’t know how to stimulate her to orgasm, or she has a psychological block. The female orgasm is about half physical and half mental, so if she psychologically won’t relax enough to allow herself to climax, the physical stimulation won’t get her there on its own.

Myth #2

To enjoy sex, a woman has to climax every time.

Reality: There has to be a balance here and the expectation from both partners needs to be reasonable. If your woman only orgasms 50% of the time, then that’s probably not enough. Think of it this way… pretend you play on a softball league. It’s fun. You like doing it. You enjoy most aspects of it… being out in the crisp, night air; connecting with teammates; etc. You look forward to games and feel good afterward when the whole team goes out for pizza and beer. But isn’t it more fun if your team wins at least most of the time? Doesn’t the high of winning add that little something extra? Are you seeing the parallel here? We (women) enjoy sex even when we don’t cum, but keep in mind that if you play on a league that rarely wins a game, you’ll probably decide not to sign up next season.

Some men feel like failures if they don’t make their woman cum at every session, or feel inadequate if she only climaxes once (God bless these men and bestow upon them a lifetime of happiness, success, and good health!). Women do not know how lucky they are until they have a guy like that! Sex and Relationships Sports Fanatics 9 Comments
Jul 22

10 Helpful tips on how to Handle an Insane Girlfriend

1. When she starts to talk crazy.. (like accusing you of taking her granted), thank her politely for cooking you lunch and get up and start to put your shoes and and then tell her what time you will be back for dinner.

2. When she tells you “You don’t really care about me”, look at her bewildered and ask her to define her meaning of “care” because is going to have to be more specific

3. When she tells you to let her out of the car… slam on your breaks, open and the door and push here out… you won’t get this chance often so make the most of it.

4. It is a good idea to “girlfriend proof” one of the rooms in your house.. and what I mean is.. add a couple extra steal dead lock’s, add some sound proofing barriers and make sure there is a window you can escape out of. This will allow you some time to gather yourself (or take a nap) in moments of complete insanity.

5. When she tells you that you only visit her because she has a great television, scrunch your eyebrows look her directly in the eyes and say.. “Honey, that isn’t true, your a wonderful cook and fun in bed also!”

6. Ask her to write down her issues and email them to you with the title “Relationship Issues” and tell her you will study the list and do what you can to address those issues.. (but in reality just set your spam filter to trash anything with “Relationship Issues” in the title. When she asks about what you thought about her list, tell her that you are working on all the issues and you appreciate her taking the time to write you a nine page email.

7. Buying her flowers can earn you a temporary reprieve.

8. Despite what she keeps telling you.. your behavior is probably fine… just keep repeating that to yourself and you will be happier (which is really what this post is all about).

9. When you need a break or a few hour of sleep.. slipping tranquilizers into her drink or food is morally acceptable.

10. Don’t get down on yourself, no matter what you do she will still be crazy.. there really is no cure.. all you can do is follow my steps and protect yourself as best you can.

Jul 21

7/21/05 — London Terrorists Attacks

Usually I like to keep my posts fairly light, but this morning London was another terrorist attach. I don?t know what the correct solution to this problem of terrorism is but I do believe that if Londoners or Americans for that matter allow radical Islam to change our daily life, that will only encourage more attacks against western civilization. While I fully believe that the British are a hearty people and not likely to be affected on the level that the terrorist hope for I do understand that living under the threat of a possible terrorist attack can be very trying but the British have endured much worst and they will be fine, that much I’m sure of. This post is nothing more then a short note to let the UK know that America has their back and our thoughts are with you.