Monthly Archives: August 2005

Aug 30

Stabbing’s, Poisoning’s and Attempted Drowning

Most of our regular readers have heard bits and parts of the story where Christine stabbed me in the shoulder with a steak knife. Originally I decided that I wouldn’t tell this story.. (she is embarrassed that she has a violent side… I on the other hand fully embrace mine), but I’ve come to realize that I need to tell this story just incase I come to an untimely demise.. I want everybody here to know who is responsible.

“Cunt’. That is little word was what pushed Christine over the edge.. We were hanging out in her kitchen and she was cooking dinner (as she should) and I was ranting about someone.. Probably that loony girl down in Texas being a media whore.. but anyway, I said something along these lines.. .”What a fucking cunt bitch”. Christine spins, knife in hand and impales my shoulder… at first she couldn’t believe she did it.. Covering her mouth…. My first response… “I wasn’t calling you a cunt”.. Her response.. “I hate that word.. Don’t use it in my house”… Me… “Jesus, you fucking stabbed me, you crazy fucking phyco”… As blood started to soak into my sweater and form a red patch Christine seemed to have blocked out the very fact that she had just stabbed me in the shoulder and turned around and went back to cooking dinner. I went off to the bathroom to assess the damage… I was in luck she didn’t hit anything vital but the wound would continue to bleed for the next few hours. Now I already know.. Christine is going to say.. “I hardly broke the skin..” Let me just set the facts straight.. Her steak knife went into my shoulder about 1.5″ inches.. It wasn’t “barely breaking the skin” it was a full blown impaling. After the stabbing that evening I left.. Went home to contemplate just how insane Christine really is.. and if my behavior might have warranted a stabbing…. (of course I decided she was crazy three ways from Sunday, and my behavior couldn’t possibly be the cause of her actions).

Now I know Christine has a wonderfully guilty conscience so I knew I didn’t even need to mention the whole stabbing thing much.. That she would beat herself up over it enough.. (like the time she smashed my car windows) So I let it go and didn’t bring it up again until I discovered she swapped her rotten eggs (yes the ones she claims she threw away) with the fresh ones I had just purchased, she did this one day while I was working as a practical joke, causing me food poisoning for three days…. She had flat out decided that bringing me physical pain and sickness brings her pleasure. This was only confirmed when she attempted to drown me over the weekend.. I was napping next to the pool and she tied a cement block to my ankle and pushed me in!
Now normally I would recommend getting as far away from a woman with these types of issues.. But I think she would track me down.. And god only knows what she might do then… so instead of running away I took a different approach. Starving. Now let me explain.. Christine has blood sugar issues, if it drops she can’t function, she stops talking, she stops hitting me, she pretty much becomes a chill chill girl.. (until I feed her).. Now obviously I can’t keep her from eating all the time but I can do little things.. Like not stopping for food when we are driving some place, delaying dinner as long as possible.. Putting padlocks on my food pantry. This has two benefits.. She is too weak to inflict any type of damage.. Even when wielding sharp objects, and she is quiet so I can actually hear myself things for two seconds. Now.. Before you all starting thinking I’m cruel.. This is purely an act of survival.. I let her eat on Saturday and she promptly attempted to try out her new kick boxing routine on me while I was napping.. I can also occasionally bribe sexual favors out of her for food now.. so it really is a great situation for me.

What is the moral of this story.. Starving.. Guys.. Starving. That is just one of few ways you might be able to survive when dealing with a girl who is living happily in her own little world.

Aug 22

The Day is Coming…

The only Bush that’s made a good decision in the last four years… is Reggie.

With1 4 returning starters and 6 All-Americans… I am supremely confident that my USC Trojans will once again, emerge as one of the best teams in college football history. Reggie’s back, and so is Matt. The sound of a stadium full of people singing “U-C-L-A Sucks…” caresses my ears, bringing a sentimental tear to my eye.

I hate to brag… I really do. But proudly cloaked in cardinal and gold, I wear my heart on my sleeve. And my heart was captured long ago when Traveler first made his way onto the field on a hot August day in San Diego– the very first game I ever went to as a college student. Ahhh… basking in the glow of a number 1 team with two consecutive national titles is nice indeed… to love a sport that loves you back…

Well… if that doesn’t get under Christopher’s skin, then I haven’t done my job. I don’t understand why he doesn’t like my boys of Troy… Christopher usually likes to pick winners. Is he losing his Republican edge? Is he becoming a liberal? Siding with the underdogs of the BCS? Hmmm…

Last week, he told me I couldn’t wear my ‘SC shirt inside his house… but then again, sometimes he just says stuff like that to get me to take my shirt off. ;-)

It will be a long season for my man Christopher. He tends to be a sore loser and I hope for his sake PSU wins at least a few of their games. I read today that they’re predicted to play my other boys (the Huskers) in the Alamo Bowl since PSU is ranked #4 in their conference and Nebraska’s #4 in the Big Twelve.

We shall see… what a glorious season it will be if ‘SC takes another national title in the Rose Bowl and Nebraska slaughters Penn State in Texas… I can only dream…

Yes, it’s the stuff that dreams are made of. And dreams do come true.

Aug 22

Not so far fetch headlines from 2025

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia formally known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia’s third language.
My Thoughts: Lets wall off the border while we still have a chance.. while we are at it, we should ban anything smaller then my Audi. (Yes an A4 is small but I am a self-serving person so I can’t be banning my own car!).

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon)
My Thoughts: Amen
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
My Thoughts: Jesus, figures we are going to undo the only good thing homo’s ever did for regular guys.. (save us from marriage).

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
My Thoughts: Fucking liberals… we need to dust them off while we get rid of the mexicans.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.
My thoughts: Where is Napoleon when you need em… build us another statue for the west coast.. and maybe we’ll help you pussies out.

In the news.. 85-year, $758 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss, on that news the average Americans weight drops to 250lbs
My thoughts: At least we arn’t using the metric system yet.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
My Thoughts: Without the conservatives, they will have to raise taxes to 95% of income to cover the deficeit.

Aug 22

The Magic Number

At what point does a woman “need” to sleep with a guy before he loses interest in dating her any more?

I’ve known lots of guys, friends and men I’ve dated or been in relationships with, and most of them tell me that there’s no magic number… but I think they just tell me that because I’m a woman and they don’t want to look like assholes.

The truth is, we women learn pretty early on that there is definitely an expectation among guys that if a woman doesn’t want to sleep with them, eventually they will date someone who does. I know that in the past, I’ve felt some pressure (maybe self-imposed) to have sex by date 3…

Is there a magic number?

Personally, I’m not a big fan of these “games.” I pretty much know by the second date if I’m willing to continue seeing a guy, and I already know if I’m going to sleep with him. So once I know it’s in the cards and he’s someone I’m attracted to, both physically and mentally, why “hold out” and play a game? Some women say if you give it up too soon a guy won’t respect you, so a lot of women put off sex (when they really want it too) just to get a guy’s respect. My feeling on this is most guys don’t decide whether they respect a girl by whether or not she plays this game right (I find it sort of manipulative anyway in the sense that she’s strategically trying to get something from him by withholding something else). Guys don’t seem to think that way. I tend to think that’s a very female perspective that women project on to guys. Either a guy respects you, or he doesn’t. Plain and simple. And that seems to have no bearing on whether or not he wants to bang your brains out. I have guy friends whose girlfriends started as one night stands and they’re still together today…

For me, I decided a long time ago that I was just going to have sex when I realized that he was a guy I wanted to have sex with, and not try to second guess when was the right time in his mind. But I can’t say it didn’t cross my mind that a guy I like might dump me if I didn’t have sex by date 5… I think at some point, a guy will lose interest even if he likes a girl, because sex is a big part of a relationship in a lot of peoples minds. I know for myself that if a guy didn’t at least try to hook up with me by the fifth date, I would probably assume he didn’t like sex as much as I do (or is gay), and a love for sex is an interest I think we really need to share (at least in my relationships), so he’s probably not the one for me. ;-)

Aug 21

One of Christine’s Many Ways to Make the World a Better Place…

Click here to read about Christopher’s problems adhering to traffic laws. My point is… the fines are so excessive compared to the actual infraction. I realize that they think this is more of a deterrent, but it’s not.

See… there are three types of people.

1. The really wealthy ones who can afford to pay cash for a Porsche or a Lexus or whatever they’re driving this month along with the overpriced insurance that goes with it. For these people, money is no object. Whether the fine for speeding is $200 or $900, they’re going to do what they want, chance it, and cough up the cash if they get caught (unless the police chief in their pocket can pull some strings to let it slide). So the fines don’t really deter those people.

2. The really, really poor ones who don’t even have insurance (like illegal immigrants, out of work actors, those who decided it wasn’t important to get that G.E.D.). They don’t have money for shit, so they’re already breaking the law by not carrying insurance, and they certainly aren’t going to find the extra $200 to pay for running a stop sign. They wouldn’t pay a $15 fine for a traffic infraction, so it doesn’t deter them either.

3. Everybody else who works their ass off everyday to try to get ahead. Gets the minimum on their car insurance, but pays it religiously so that they’ll be covered if some asshole runs into them. These are the people who, by and large, get fucked. These are the people who can’t afford a $700 speeding ticket, but will somehow come up with the money to pay it even if it means they have to give up something else. These are the people who try to do the right thing most of the time, and occasionally commit minor traffic infractions at the wrong time.

So, I have a solution to make this fair.

Instead of basing traffic fines on the fine itself by assigning a monetary value to each infraction, you should base it on the income of the individual who committed the infraction.

For example, if someone who makes $16,000 a year gets caught running a red light, the fine is .5% (half of 1%) of their annual income ($80). If the person who is pulling $600,000 a year speeds through that light with his Ferrari, it’s still 1% ($3,000). Now doesn’t that seem a little more fair? If the idea is that forcing people to give up money as a sacrifice for breaking the law, then for the system to really deter everyone, the consequence would have to be a sacrifice for everyone individually. Expecting someone barely making ends meet to pay $700 for speeding is just wrong. At the same time, setting it too low creates a situation where people who have a lot of money don’t see the fine as a sacrifice at all. So if it’s based on the individual instead of the infraction, the individuals would all be treated fairly.

Now, I know what you’re going to say… what about people who don’t have incomes (unemployed people, wealthy housewives, etc.). I have answers for these things too. To address the rich housewife issue, it would be based on her joint income with her husband. With regards to unemployed people, there would be a set amount (like now) for infractions that would be relatively low, and if you made under a certain figure each year (say less than $25,000 annually), you would automatically pay the flat rate, not the percentage of your income.

Everyone would be required to turn in a copy of their tax forms with their registration and smog certificates every year (smog certificates only apply in California I think), but then when you get that ticket, the DMV would look up your tax forms, and assess your fine. It has the potential to flow smoothly…

What do you think???