I’m rarely at a loss for words… as Christopher can attest to, when I’m happy (and not hungry) I’m a chatty Cathy doll, and when I’m pissed, the words fly out like miniature daggers from a lawn sprinkler… but right now, nothing seems to be coming.
When Christopher told me last month that he didn’t want to see me anymore, I was pretty hurt. I felt a lot of things… betrayal, regret, sadness, anger, and even some hope that he might change his mind. Not wanting to be severed from each others’ lives, he wanted to be friends and I agreed, somewhat resenting it. Since then, he’s tried to be my friend… he’s put up with me accusing him of never caring about me, of my crying, my asking him to explain the whole thing over and over… and much, much more.
I find myself hanging on to things that were special memories of us, of reliving the fights, of wavering from trying to figure out where whe went wrong to knowing in my gut we just weren’t meant to be. It’s been one hell of a ride that I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
In the last month, I’ve shut my office door to cry at work, dropped two sizes, and having dreams that we were walking around aimlessly with puzzle pieces in our hands and when we found each other, we were ecstatic that our’s fit.
Chris vs. Chris was sort of Christopher’s gift to me… when we first started dating, I said we should do a website together and this is what we came up with. He would send me designs and colors and logos and I would tell him to change this or that… and I think it’s one of the best things anyone has ever done for me.
For the last year, I logged on to chrisvschris.com every day. It was set as my homepage and I loved writing new content, commenting on Christopher’s ridiculous ideas, and reading what you all had to say. In my mind, it was like a child that Christopher and I had together… the culmination of the two of us… and it was so good.
I haven’t posted since he ended our relationship. He’s asked me several times if I want to keep the site going and my answer is always that I don’t know… I didn’t think it was appropriate to air our private stuff on the site, but posting about anything else right now seems trite… at least to me.
On top of that, posting on this site– something that gave me so much happiness– suddenly became something that makes me feel so sad every time I think about it. And that really, really sucks.
I don’t know what the future holds for any of us. I don’t even know if Christopher and I will be able to remain friends. We seem to be on this path of desctruction right now and no matter what we do, we get closer to crashing…
I guess I just wanted to thank him for this website. For every moment that he worried about me, or thought about me, or put his arms around me when I was crying. I didn’t always get what I wanted or needed from him… but at the same time, I didn’t always tell him how much I liked the things that were good.
If this does end up being the last post to chrisvschris, then please know that your comments meant a lot to both of us. They sparked many fun debates and inspired us to keep writing, keep learning, keep putting our views out there.
When things get really difficult and painful and confusing… I just trust that God will take care of me and whatever is meant to happen, will. He has always taken care of me in the past.
Thank you for being a part of our little project, and in turn, being a part of our lives… even if only for a little while.