Monthly Archives: March 2006

Mar 30

How Cars and Men are NOTHING Alike… ;-)

1. Cars are, for the most part, dependable. Men, for the most part, aren’t.

2. Cars take gas in, men let gas out.

3. Cars will go wherever you want to go, including the mall, without bitching and griping the entire way.

4. Cars don’t feel their masculinity is threatened when a woman is behind the wheel and a man is in the passenger seat.

5. After spending a day in the garage, a car still looks and smells good. Men do not.

6. A car does not “guess” at how fast it must be going.

7. Cars don’t get a beer gut and man-boobies. And they definitely don’t go bald!

8. When a car starts to make weird sounds, you can just trade it in.

9. Cars don’t get insecure when you ride in another car that has more horsepower.

10. Cars don’t get tired and konk out after going hard and fast for five minutes.

11. Cars can complete multiple tasks at the same time (turn in reverse, play the radio, and roll down their windows all at the same time). Men cannot.

12. Cars don’t lie.

13. Cars don’t drive thirty miles out of the way before deciding they should stop and get directions even though you mentioned thirty miles back that they were taking the wrong exit.

;-)

Mar 30

How a car and a relationship are similar.

Owning a woman is a lot like owning a car, let me break down some of the similarities.
If you buy it with miles, your going to have to do some work on it.
If you buy it new your going to have to break it in.
Here are the stages of a relationship and you can see how owning a car and being in a relationship correlate.

Stage 1:
This stage is a lot about getting to know yourself and what you really want. With cars we do this when we are driving around town..with women, when we are at the mall or a the movies. It’s like this, do we go with the a high maintenance Ferrari (the high maintenance chic), the SUV (Super Underused Virgina) or the Camry (the dependable, yet boring and unimpressive choice that we know we can count on).. or do we just get a junker (Bar Slut) that we can drop after getting some use out of it. To each his own, it’s not for me to judge.

Stage 2:
We have decided what we want from our car… err partner and it’s time to make the sell. All the bull shit about ourselves, the exaggerations and manipulations have been rehearsed and are ready for an academy award winning performance. We meet the lady and we start checking her out, it’s a lot like inspecting a car.. we take her for a test drive.. (the hookup on meeting #3) we checkout her limits, we mentally catalog her pluses and minuses, does she give good head, take it in the ass… a lot like kicking the tires and looking at trunk space in the car. This stage usually lasts about 24-72 hours depending on what model of woman you choose in the first place.

Level 3:
This is the best stage, this is the stage where everything is going great, running smoothly.. no maintenance needed, flying 147 mph on the freeway life is good… the woman is cooking dinners, attending bootie camp on a nightly basis.. being sprung trained. She is hitting strip clubs with you, doing freaky tricks in bed and being totally experimental. There is little nagging going on and pretty much no planning for the future. Generally speaking this stage lasts around a month…. with a real special car or woman you might make it to three months… but never longer.

Level 4:
This is what we call a relationship and it is pretty much the worst stage, this is like having a woman that you hate even when your not pissed and grudge fucking her just to take out your frustrations… it’s like the beater car that you just beat the hell out of not really caring if it keeps on running or dies. This is pretty much the whole relationship until you enter stage 5 and most likely your last chance of escape.

Level 5:
Too much negative equity, it’s the car that you want to trade or sell but you can’t get anything for it. It’s just to damn complicated at this point to ever actually end the relationship voluntarily… too many assets to divide, too many bills to split, too many friends to tell.. so you just accept this is your life, it’s good enough and that’s that.

Mar 24

Ladies, How Not To Screw Up Your Next Relationship

So for the last week or so I’ve been driving back into the office to work which affords me time to clear my mind and come up with advice to dispense to the world. So this week’s topic is directed to ladies of our site who for some reason can’t seem to stop messing up the relationships they have gotten themselves into. It’s not my place to judge if a relationship was better off ending or not, but for those ladies that are tired of the breakups.. heed my advice. My prophetic skills can be debated but one thing is for sure.. I understand what guys want.

1. Nagging to hear yourself talk is bad. It will grate on a guy and he will eventually flip on you and then you will feel hurt and you will feel the nag again see how this can be an endless cycle?


2. You do not need to tell him something more then once, he heard you the first time… if he responded and you didn’t like it… sorry, just accept that you have different opinions on this subject matter. If he didn’t respond there is something more important on his mind right now.. please respect that he will get to what you told him when he gets to it.

3. Do not EVER wake him out of a sound sleep by saying “Are you sleeping..” then tap him on the shoulder until he say’s.. “ughh huh?.”… and if you do that.. please whatever you do.. do not say… “I’m cold… and since your awake could you get me a blanket?”. This will inspire seriously negative feelings toward you possibly getting you banned from spending the night…. at least until summer time.

4. Practice makes perfect, remember this age old saying especially when it goes to areas that include is dick. For example giving a great blow job, practice a couple times a day if possible, it will help keep him around for sure.

5. Don’t break shit, don’t break down his door.. or smash his light switch or pick the candle burning on his stove and proceed to throw wax all over the kitchen. Destructive is bad. A man needs to feel like he can trust you in his home!

6. Attend his bootie camp. What does this mean it means if you let him he will teach you to be the kinkiest, nastiest chic in the world. You will give great head, take it in the ass, basically you won’t need to go to the gym because you have gone to bootie camp and you will now be spending all your time in bed getting railed.


7. Cook, yes. Cook for him. This is important.. he needs to eat anyway especially with all the work he is putting in at bootie camp. He probably hates cooking for himself, cooking dinner for him followed by a practice session will tack a few extra weeks onto any relationship

8. Clean his place of residence once in awhile… preferably in a tiny amount of clothing and allow him to take pictures doing it.


9. Let him go to strip clubs.. in fact encourage that type of behavior he might go once but after that you’ll be such a cool chic he won’t feel the need to rebel or get rid of you

10. Finally please. Whatever you do don’t follow any of Christine’s advice on how to piss a guy off when he’s watching football or how to piss him off even more when your already fighting… those will get you kicked to the curb in record time.

Mar 23

Yucky Spiderbots…

So Christopher has been doing some really cool upgrades to CvC and one of the things he did was add this little “Users Online” page where if you click on it, it shows you how many registered users are online, how many guests are on, and how many “Bots” are on. When I first saw it, I thought Hunh. Bot. That sounds like it might be short for “Robot” but why would a robot be hanging out on a battle of the sexes site when everyone knows that robots are gender-neutral and would probably never get any of the humor…? So I called Christopher…

Christopher: Yo, amiga… what’s up? (He has caller ID)
Christine: I’m on the site and I was wondering what a “Bot” is…
Christopher: It’s a robot. Search engines like yahoo and google use robots to crawl our site and check for new content.
Christine: That’s what you meant when you said they “spider” the site?
Christopher: Yeah… it crawls the site every three hours.
Long pause as I look down at the goosebumps popping up on my arms.
Christine: It crawls?
Christopher: That bothers you, doesn’t it? You don’t like the thought of googlebots crawling.
Christine: Not on our site I don’t. It’s kinda creepy.
Christopher: Well what did you think a “bot” was?
Christine: I was sort of hoping it was a person employed by google or yahoo or whatever… and they get paid to search pages of our site… and they just call themselves “bots.” Like maybe it was an acronym or something.
Christopher: Seriously… what is it with you and robots?
Christine: It’s not robots… it’s robots that look like spiders. Like in that movie.
Christopher: The Island?
Christine: No… Mission Impossible.
Christopher: God, Tom Cruise is such a scientolofag. I just made up a word. What was that other word I made up the other day? Something about asians? Remember?
Christine: There are three things crawling on our site right now. Two are from google and one’s from msn.
Christopher: Christine. Listen to me. I know how you feel about spiders, but it’s a good thing. (he exhales really loud) But if you don’t want to know it’s happening, I can take that part off and then you won’t have to know when the bots are spidering the site.
I sigh and decide if I take him up on this, he’d actually be able to legitimately get away with calling me a pussy forever. I mean, after all… I’ve seen that “Bot Wars” show where guys make homemade robots and then they battle it out… and quite frankly, I could just stomp on one of those with my feet and destroy it so the googlebots and spider bots and whatever other malaise-causing name they want to go by can’t really be that menacing.
Christine: No… it’s fine. They can stay on there.
Christopher: Alright, princess. Whatever makes you happy.
;-)
I still don’t like them though. In my head, they look like this:


I can just imagine them climbing all over my face on the page with my pictures on it… it’s just creepy and a bit alarming… and I really wish google and yahoo and msn and all these other search engines would come up with a better way. Seriously, I’m going to have to write someone an email about this.
;-)

Mar 23

Enter the Mind of a Genius… ;-)

Well… I might not be a genius by “current social standards,” but I’m damn creative and could very possibly be described as “brilliant” (should anyone feel like describing me with that word… ) Anyway, my point is… sometimes creative, brilliant people are misunderstood. Very misunderstood. So I thought I’d let you into my head by recording some of the random thoughts I had today…

Upon waking up to my alarm clock: Am I mad at Christopher this morning? I can’t remember if he did anything to piss me off last night or not… hrmmm… I think he’s on my good side today…

As I hugged my cat: Cat fur smells the best after the cat has been sleeping… how weird… I wonder why…

While I was making cereal for breakfast: I don’t care what Christopher says… there’s nothing wrong with still buying Cookie Crunch… it’s actually really healthy…

Upon seeing an ad for wedding dresses: I wonder if I’ll ever get married…

While on the phone with my friend: She’s cool but she does not know when to get off the phone… jesus…

Upon walking into Borders: Borders doesn’t have shit compared to Barnes & Noble.

Upon seeing a book in Barnes & Noble titled “Basic Korean:” There’s nothing basic about Korean… it’s the hardest language known to man. Their word for hello has five syllables…

While trying to read my new book, watch ESPN, listen to my ipod, and run on the treadmill all at the same time: I get so much accomplished when I’m at the gym… this is a great environment…

As I looked over at the sweaty, fat guy running on the treadmill next to me who was checking out a hot Indian girl who was lifting weights: Dude… there’s no way… even if you spend a thousand hours on that treadmill… there’s still no way… life sucks… too bad…

As I watched the hot Indian girl: I guess I should stay an extra half hour and lift more weights…

While standing in line at the bank: It wouldn’t really be that hard to rob this place…

Upon signing into Firefox and seeing that Christopher had loaded a plug-in for me that makes the tabs different pastel colors: That’s pretty cool… and it’s just in time for Easter…

As I was trying to get past a Mexican lady at the grocery store who wasn’t paying any attention and hadn’t noticed that people are trying to squeeze by her ass that happened to be wider than her cart: Should I say “Excuse me?” or “Con permisso?” or maybe I should just give her big fat ass a shove and maybe she’ll get the hint… I should stop being bitchy… yI must be getting hungry…

After I had that thought: Will thinking mean things about fat people make me fat in the Karmic grand scheme?

Upon carrying my groceries in and seeing my weird neighbor who I initially thought was normal when I asked her if she’d pick up my mail while I was in Puerto Rico last year for a week, and when I came back every time I went to her door to try to get my mail, there was a post-it note saying she was sleeping, so I didn’t get my mail for like another week and a half after my return: If I pretend there’s a cell phone in my hand and I’m talking, maybe she won’t try to speak to me and she won’t be able to see that there’s really no cell phone… I’m a good enough actress to pull this off I think…

As I closed the door to my apartment: Thank God she didn’t talk to me… am I antisocial?

So those are just some of my random thoughts… I had more. Actually, a lot more… but I thought this was a good sampling and would give you at least a little insight on what goes on in the mind of a genius. ;-)