So… I wouldn’t actually have relayed this story to anyone but those plans were changed when Christopher called me tonight. Let’s rewind… Christopher had a bad day. Normally we message each other throughout the day, but today I was in meetings all morning and most of the afternoon, so we didn’t talk at all. As I was driving home, my cell phone rang exactly 7 minutes after Christopher’s work day ends and it was him. He spent the next 34 minutes telling me about all the shit that happened at work today and in a sort of pathetic, beat-down voice he ended the conversation by telling me he thought maybe he should go to the gym. I encouraged him. Later on, he messaged me to tell me about a server issue he was dealing with after he got home and explained that his home phone number no longer works because he got pissed off at the phone company and canceled it. The boy had a seriously rough day. So I say… “Would you like to hear something that will make you laugh?” He says he’d love to hear something funny, so I proceed with my story. Now, I certainly wouldn’t have shared this story on the blog… except when I finished, Christopher informed me that he was going to post it if I didn’t. In the interest of keeping the facts true… I told him I’d post it. So here it is… enjoy.
Last week, I went online and decided to buy some new sex toys. Not that my old sex toys aren’t great… they are. They do the trick every time I pull them out of my “naughty drawer.” But I was sort of in the mood for something new and exciting, so I found a sex toy distributor, whipped out my credit card, and ordered a few things.
This morning, I open my door to find a note from UPS saying they attempted to deliver a package from “a research company.” Wink-wink. Disappointed that I was in the shower when they tried, I read the note and saw their next delivery attempt would happen today between 2 and 5 pm. So I check the little box to leave the package at the door and head off to my meetings.
Sure enough, upon arriving home, I see the box. I hurry inside and open it, almost as excited as I was when Santa brought me the Barbie remote-control Corvette when I was 7. But my excitement quickly dissipated. What’s this??? I thought as I pulled out a tiny, iddy biddy, super slim pink dildo called “The Little Pearl.” I didn’t order this… Why the hell would anyone want something so small??? I toss it down and look through the rest of the box. Everything else I ordered was there, except one thing. Damn, I thought as I glanced over the packing slip. Some dumbass at the dildo warehouse picked up the wrong thing! The item I wanted also had the word “Pearl” in the title so I instantly surmised where the confusion must have come from. Stupid ass dildo warehouse guy! Thank goodness I’m not his supervisor. I would have fired his illiterate ass for such an oversight.
But that doesn’t solve my problem. I don’t have the specific item I wanted. So what to do…? I could just order it again. Or… I could call the customer service number and tell them they messed up. I weigh my dignity against my inherent smart-shopper, coupon-using, money-saving nature and decide to call. So I call… and here’s what the conversation was like once the customer service rep ( a female) answered the phone:
Me: Hi, yeah… I just received an order from you guys today and one item I ordered is missing.
CSR: Okay… what’s your order number?
CSR: You said the order wasn’t complete?
Me: No, it wasn’t. I received everything except one item.
CSR: Which item?
Me: Number 707-PL (P was the part that stood for “Pearl” btw)
CSR: Oh… the purple anal pleasure pearls…
Me: Right. They’re not in the box.
CSR: So you got the Blazing Anal Butt Plug?
CSR: And the Aqua Erotic Freezer-safe Vibrator?
Me: Uh, yeah. Just missing that one thing...
CSR: And you got the large Chinese love beads?
Me: I got everything except the purple pearl things…
CSR: Okay… so they sent you the wrong thing in place of the anal pleasure pearls?
CSR: What did they send you?
Me: A very small thing called “The Little Pearl.”
CSR: Hrmmm… well they didn’t charge you for that. I apologize. We’ll ship the purple anal pleasure pearls out first thing tomorrow and rush it to you overnight at no charge.
Me: That would be great.
CSR: And you’re welcome to keep the ultra-slim Little Pearl Dildo if you’d like.
Me: Uh… okay. Thanks.
CSR: Thank you. And sorry for the inconvenience. Have a nice night.
Me: You too.
I hung up the phone feeling like a second-grader who can’t help but suppress a laugh when the substitute teacher turns around to expose a tape ball that some clever little trouble maker surreptiously got to stick to her ass. I felt kind of good about the level of customer service, but a little weird that we had to go through and name every item I purchased. The whole time she was questioning me about my order I kept thinking maybe I should make up a story about being a porn star… or they’re prizes for a bachelorette party… no, no… I’m having having a sex-toy party… something to justify why I’m such a little nympho. But the conversation was all over so quickly… I didn’t have time. Besides… I was in a hurry to get off the phone. After all, I could barely wait for my dad to assemble the Barbie Corvette way back then too.