Monthly Archives: November 2006

Nov 26

Wampanoag Walka Walka



So for the past month or so Christine and I have been debating if her 3/4 Indian blood makes her a “real” life American Native Indian.

Granted her 1/8 German, 1/8 English, 2/8 Mutt really muddle her bloodline, however I thought I could and therefor should put this debate to rest once and for all. Two or three days ago on Thanksgiving Christine and I were kicking it and watching the History Channel where there was a documentary about the Pilgrims and the Wampanoag Indian tribe. It turns out the the Wampanoag tribe is the same tribe that Christine’s bloodline came from. I quickly decided that Wampanoag was a horrible name and changed it to Walka Walka.. (as Christine pointed out.. very Starwarsish) like that is some kind of insult. So Christine is a Walka Walka Indian.. these Indian are pretty good ones.. I was always pretty sure she was a Cherokee or a wacko woman tribe… like Crazy Women Scalping Tribe. But it turns out she comes from a tribe of mostly nice sane Indians.

Even more interesting.. it turns out we killed off most fo the Walka Walka Indians here in America so for the last year she has been traveling to Canada to visit with her tribe under the guise of writing movies… ( Ya Christine I’m onto you now ).. that’s ok I go to Strip Clubs to hang out with my bouncer friends so I’m not too distraught over this deception. I think for your own sake Christine it would be best if you finally got comfortable with your Native American heritage.. it’s not the 18th century anymore, nobody is going to judge you harshly. You know what they say about Native American girls.. they are wild in bed, great cooks and little firecrackers ( those are all positives) which pretty much describes you to a T. Well except for the fact that your more like dynamite.. or Nitro Glycerin. Ayway nobody says anything bad about the Indians anymore… don’t be ashamed of your heritage.. embrace it Christine. I promise everybody will still like you.

Nov 20

The Baby Name Controversy

Don’t worry, I’m not pregnant (at least as far as I know, I’m not)… but since Christopher and I are the king (and queen) of having discussions and often arguments about things that don’t yet have any relevance in our lives, I figured I’d share our latest one with you.

Last night, we’re at Blockbuster looking for a movie. As we peruse the aisles in “let’s carry it around mode” which basically means, we can’t decide what movie we want, we see one we might want, so we “carry it around” the store in case we find something better, which usually ends up with us having six movies we sort of want to see (but not really) by the time we hit the last aisle and then we spend fifteen minutes going over the plus and minuses of each movie until we reluctantly take one to the counter (last night’s choice ended up being “Kicking and Screaming”). But that’s beside the point.

I’m walking through the new releases when Christopher appears at my side, his eyes lit up like a kid on Christmas morning. There is some sort of Gladiator looking DVD in his hand. My heart rate jumps. Oh God… not another gladiator movie I think, figuring we’d have to add it to our “carry it around” pile. But that’s not what Christopher had in mind at all.

“Christine… look.” He points to the title which is “Beowulf and Grendel.” I look.

“Yeah?” I say, ready to protest its addition to our pile.

“We should name our kid Grendel,” he says. And he’s completely serious. I just look at him for a moment wondering if I heard him correctly.

“What?” I ask.

“If we ever have a kid, we should name him Grendel. That’s a kick-ass name.”

His eyes are still aglow and I know he really believes his discovered the perfect name for our unconceived child. Grendel I think, trying to pronounce the word I’d never before even spoken in my head, my internal voice stumbling over the “Gr” blend, then again over the schwa of the second “e.”

“No,” I say.

Christopher’s eyes widen as if he’s truly surprised I nixed it so quickly. “No?”

“No names that have ever had the word “Augustus” before them,” coming up with a new baby-naming rule on the spot. Now he’s even more shocked.

In complete seriousness, he says, “Why not????”

I just look into his eyes– pools of wonder as if he’s desperately trying to wrap his mind around the concept of how naming a child after a historic figure of the Roman Empire could possibly be bad… I could tell that in Christopher’s mind, it showed strength, savvy, ambition, unwillingness to accept defeat…

“No Maximus… no Aurelias… none of those,” I say, clarifying so that we don’t have to pre-emptively go through the list.

Christopher’s shoulders sink. He exhales. He turns and walks back to the “B” aisle to return Beowulf & Grendel to its proper spot.

I breathe a sigh of relief and think back to make sure I took my birth control pill last night. I did… thank God. :-)

Nov 16

The Republican and the Democrat

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.
She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below.

She shouted to him, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.”

She rolled her eyes and said, “You must be a Republican.”

“I am,” replied the man. “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.”

The man smiled and responded, “You must be a Democrat.”
“I am,” replied the balloonist. “How did you know?”

“Well,” said the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You’ve risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met but, somehow, now it’s my fault.”

—–

You guys have no idea how much this joke correlates to Christine and I over the years.

Nov 15

OJ Explains How He WOULD HAVE Killed Nicole Simpson – But Of Course, He Didn’t…

I have believed ever since that fateful day when OJ Simpson and Al Cowlings led L.A. police on that low speed chase down the 405 freeway so many years ago, that OJ Simpson murdered his estranged ex-wife and her friend Ron Goldman. After watching hours and hours of the court room theatrics during the trial and seeing how celebrity money can literally buy a legal team that will get you out of anything– literally even murder– I felt more strongly than ever that the man was guilty.

But as we all know, OJ did get away with murder.

If that weren’t enough for him to count his lucky stars that he’s not sitting on California’s death row right now, he’s decided to exploit the situation again.

This time, he’s collaborating on a book called “O.J. Simpson: If I Did It, Here’s How It Happened.” The book will be available in stores November 30th, and he’ll be on Fox doing two hour-long interviews on Nov. 27th and 29th. According to Fox, in the interview, OJ describes “how he would have carried out the murders he has vehemently denied committing for over a decade.”

I hope no one watches it. I hope no one buys this book. I hope the publisher — ReganBooks– loses money by betting on OJ. Besides… we don’t need him to tell us how he would have committed the brutal killings. We already know how it happened.