My last name stays put.

The garage is all mine.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

I can be President. 

I can’t get pregnant.

I can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

I can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell me the truth.

The world is my urinal. 

I never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

I don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at my chest when their talking to me.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don’t cut, blister,or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. 

I know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. 

I can open all your own jars.

I get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite me, he or she can still be my friend.

My underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

I almost never have strap problems in public.

I am unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on my face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

I only have to shave my face and neck. 

I can play with toys all your life.

My belly usually hides my bighips.

One wallet and one color for all seasons.

I can wear shorts no matter how my legs look.

I can “do” my nails with a pocket knife.

I have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

I can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

Going to bed the other night I noticed people walking around the car ports for my apartment building stealing things.

I called the police and was told nobody was in the area to help but that they would send someone over as soon as possible.

I hung up and a minute later I hung up and called back. “Hi, I called a minute ago about some people walking around my car port, you don’t have to hurry anymore because I shot them.”

Within minutes there were a half a dozen police, a helicopter and an swat unit. They caught the burgles red handed.

One of the officers said “I thought you said you shot them. ” To which I replied “I thought you said nobody was available.”

1 The phrase ‘I’d say it’s bang-on average, if not slightly bigger’. Best to steer clear of the size issue. Like us talking about your weight, it can only lead to misunderstanding and hurt.

2 Obsessive accounts of your diet and exercise regime. Men like skinny women, true. But they dislike being exposed to the borderline eating disorders and pathological obsessiveness that produce them. And curvy and sane always beats mad and thin. Eventually.

3 The accusing phrase, ‘What’s wrong with the blue dress, then?’ after we have said we like the red one.

4 Any information about things you thought about buying. We are perfectly happy to admire actual purchases, but yearning for those phantom shoes/dress/bag exasperates us.

5 Stories about other men patronizing you. This will give us an irresistible urge to ruffle your hair and say in a kids-TV voice, ‘Awww, did dey? Did dey do dat to oo?’ I know, sometimes we’re asking for trouble.

6 The word ‘Fine’ as a stand-alone sentence. The scariest syllable in the female vocabulary.

7 The sound of weeping. It destroys us, and it is just bad sportsmanship.

8 Any details of strife you may be having with your female friends. The endless round of hurt and rapprochement that constitutes girls’ friendships mystifies us. If she’s that much trouble just delete her from your cell.

9 The phrase, ‘Can you turn over, you’re snoring’. Great, now that we are both of us awake.

10 The words ‘Am I special? Am I?’ Especially if you are drawing a circle around our nipple with your finger at the time.

11 Your dreams. Unless we’re in them. And in a good light, too. If not, save ‘em for the shrink.