Monthly Archives: August 2007

Aug 31

Half-Ass Quitters

Quitter

 

I can’t stand smokers, really I can’t. I won’t even kiss a girl who smokes, let alone ever choose to date one. But I’ll tell you what I hate even more, I hate half-hearted quitters.

There are two types of quitters. Those who say I quit and never pick up another cigarette the rest of their lives. I like these people. These are strong willed beings who deserve a brownie or sugary item of their choice, they will go far in life and be successful in anything they choose to do.

Then there is the other type of quitter. The “I’ve been trying to quit for 14 years now” quitter. The fucking weak willed pussy who smokes for one week quits for three days and starts right back up again because he or she needs their fix and can’t handle reality without their nicotine. Now, just because they decided to quit, I’m supposed to deal with them stressing out.

GROW UP.

Don’t go around ruining everybody’s day just because you can’t smoke.. and you know.. that is what they do.. they just ruin your day. These over developed cum stains are bursting into tears or jumping out a window anytime the office copier isn’t working right.

Some people.. no wait… a lot of people like to say.. “You don’t really understand unless you’re a smoker”.

Frankly, I really don’t give a shit. Just because some low self esteem self hater (and are there really any other kinds of smokers) decided to make the mistake of smoking and got addicted I should be supportive and understanding on their road to recovery?

FUCK THAT.

I went through my whole life making damn sure I didn’t smoke. Now because a loser who thought they could be cool at one point in their life didn’t have the will power to say no to smoking and got hooked, I’m suppose to deal with their moody bullshit. Riiight…..

Fuck them up the ass with a pack of cigarettes and three cigars. These pieces of wasted DNA need to make a god damn choice. You’re either a smoker or you’re not. Find out which one and be that person and if you can’t decide stay the fuck away from me and eat some of those nicotine patches until your tongue falls out and your eyes turn yellow. Stop bothering me with your pathetic crap. Loser.

What I’m trying to say is that I’m done dealing with these half-ass quitters and their idiotic emotional roller coasters. I already don’t deal with smokers, I’ll fire you if you start smoking and you work for me. I’ll not hire you if you smell like smoke, ect ect… now I’m taking this to the next level with these half-ass quitters. If you’re a quitter than fucking quit, if you’re a smoker than fucking smoke your god damn brains out. Please just don’t be one of losers who “wants to quit but just can’t do it”.

Aug 30

The Predators of Dateline

There has always been something that bothered me about the show “To Catch a Predator”, Christine and I will have these conversations where she thinks the show is totally legit and I think it’s a bunch of bullshit entrapment.  As I was doing some research for this post I came to learn that the show is supported by a group called “Perverted Justice”, they actually setup the stings and members of their group are the ones who pose as minors on the Internet chat rooms and attempt to lure men into meeting them for sex.

What’s interesting about this is that in May 07, the former producer Marsha Bartel filed a lawsuit against NBC, alleging that she was fired for insisting that the shows correct its violations of “numerous journalistic ethical standards”.  For example Dateline relies on Perverted Justice to handle the setup of the stings, the group would show the producers only selected excerpts from chat logs.  Perverted Justice volunteers would plead with suspects to meet them in person, even after the suspect initially declined.

According to Collin County Texas, District Attorney John Roach, the involvement of Perverted Justice activists made the chat logs from their stings useless in court.  Police engaging in such stings have to follow a strict protocol, always making sure the suspect initiates any sexually explicit chat, to prevent an entrapment defense.

In June prosecutors in Murphy, Texas announced they had to drop all charges against all 24 suspects arrested during Catch a Predator’s stings.

I have to say in this case, I’m happy that some of datelineour constitutional rights are being held up.. even tho I believe some of these guys aren’t good people.. the law is the law and we shouldn’t be breaking it for the sake of entertainment…. entrapment laws are in place to protect us, the civilian.

Aug 29

Wunny Funce

What is Wunny Funce? If you’ve never heard of it… I’m not surprised. You may, yourself, may be in a Wunny Funce relationship with a friend, a mate, a coworker, a sibling… and yet, call it by a different name. For others, the concept of Wunny Funce may be completely foreign… and if that’s the case, it can either be a very good thing… or a very bad one…

Okay, I’ve built this shit up enough. I’ll get to the point.

I first heard about Wunny Funce when I was in college. I don’t quite remember who introduced me to it… I think it was one of my roommates sophomore year. I remember we were with a group of people, having fun, telling jokes, laughing. One of the guys in the group made a weird face– a physical joke of sorts– that everyone laughed at. I’m sure you’d all find the face funny if I could remember what it was and describe it, but I can’t… and it’s not important anyway. What IS important is… this particular person who made the face in which everyone laughed, wasn’t a person who often gets laughs from his jokes or expressions. He was the kind of person that, although we all liked him, usually was the one in the group whose jokes bombed.

Anyway… on this particular evening, the face he made was funny. The rest of us laughed it and moved on. But the face-maker (we’ll call him “Joey”) didn’t move on. Ascending to a high he’d never felt before– experiencing the kind of afterglow that can only be achieved by a universal laugh at your timely wit– he’d had a taste of being the revered center of attention for a moment… and LIKED IT. Joey’s moment in the spotlight should have been something Joey savored for years to come… remembering the time he made everyone laugh… pulling it from his repertoire at low points in his life to help repair his self-esteem. That would’ve been great. But that’s not what Joey did. Joey, feeling like he was on a roll with the weird faces, decided to wait a little while and then make the same weird face again. Except this time, the moment had passed and the face wasn’t as funny. A few people were generous enough to chime in with obligatory laughs (also known as pity laughs). Joey didn’t understand. How could his funny face elicit such a warm response the first time and not the second? He was utterly confused. About twenty minutes later, he made a point of making the face again… this time, not only did no one laugh, but people were a bit annoyed by it.

After the third attempt, my roommate looked at Joey, winked, and said “Wunny Funce.” Joey nodded. Not everyone had heard it, but I did. I leaned over to her and asked “What’s wunny funce?”

“It’s code for “Funny Once,” she said. Joey realized he shouldn’t try that joke again. And he didn’t… which was better for all involved.

I had no idea that Joey and my roommate were in a wunny funce relationship. I wanted to be in a wunny funce relationship with someone… I wanted to have that kind of trust that someone was watching my back and making sure I didn’t make a fool of myself in social settings. I wanted to speak in code.

The world would be a better place if everyone were in wunny funce relationships with other people. People wouldn’t look stupid as much… other people would be generally less annoyed. They’d all want to hang out more with each other… it’d really be a good thing.

So… here’s today’s gift to the world. From me to you…

These are the Wunny Funce codes:

“Wunny Funce” – That was funny once. Now, it’s just stupid. Please don’t do/say it again.

“Gressy Minn” – code for “Messy Grin” or… you have something stuck in your teeth that everyone can see except you. Try not to smile so wide until you have a chance to go to the bathroom and dig it out.

“Ill Chout” – obviously code for “Chill out” or… you’re kind of making a big deal about something and it’s making everyone else uncomfortable so you’d be better off letting that go…

“Oaf Doffer” – Don’t offer or… I see you’re about to pull your wallet/keys/etc. out and offer to pay/drive/etc… but don’t. I know this person better than you do and you’ll wish you hadn’t.

Feel free to add your own… after all, this is not a one-sided relationship, ya know…

Aug 28

Christopher’s Restaurant Rules

I love eating out, especially with Christine.. the idea of someone slaving over a hot stove to cook me my country friend chicken while I admire Christine’s cleavage is great for my ego and stress levels. HOWEVER certain restaurants have certain issues that just piss me off for example some restaurants have a policy that whenever any of their customers has a birthday the whole wait staff runs over and sings happy birthday. Who the fuck started this dumb ass idea, first like I really give a flying fuck that it’s somebody else’s birthday.. (I hardly notice my own), second it is not ok to disturb my relaxing evening with your horrible rendition of “Happy Birthday”. Alright… Alight it might be cute if your an 80 year old Grandma, but seriously if your under 80 quit embarrassing yourself… are you really that hard up for attention that you need a bunch of off key food servers singing to you?

I also really hate places that do things half ass and can’t listen to simple instructions. For example when you specifically ask for dressing on the side and dressing comes on your salad, or no tomato & lettuce on my burger and they put it on a plate and bring it separate… I said.. NO FUCKING TOMATO OR LETTUCE WTF, do you really think I want to take it off the plate and put it on my burger, do you think I was mistaken and didn’t understand what I was saying when I said no Tomato & lettuce … fucking deeps dweebs I especially don’t like it when I ask for Ice Coffee and they bring me warm old coffee with ice on the side. Finally at all costs do not ignore Christine or not pay attention to her when she is talking, especially if she is asking for something or telling you how she wants something, this will cause me to call you a fagot and hurt your feelings.. which will lead to Christine lecturing me about my insensitively toward inferior people and putting me in an even worst mood.

Want more things that really gets my blood boiling? OK here… when I am stuffing my face and the wait staff waits until that exact moment to ask me how everything is.. how do they expect me to answer…? My mouth is full… they pick this inopportune time so they can assume everything is just great and leave.. I personally hate this so I grab them by the arm before they can run off… slowly finish chewing… and then proceed to give a 15 minute critique about the food.. and when I finish ask for a new meal because they interrupted me and caused mine to go cold.

What about coming up with a system that you pay accordingly for how satisfied with your dinning experience you are…. that would kick ass right? This way you can you can deduct for each annoyance… flat soda -$1.00, ugly waitress… -$5.00, screaming child that was not throw out… – $10.00. di I bet dinning out experience would improve a whole hell of a lot.