Raising kids is about 1% gratification and 99% perspiration.. or something like that… anyway this isn’t the way it needs to be. Believe it or not psychologists now admit that lazy parenting is the best parenting. Why you ask? Because if your not happy your kids sure as shit won’t be happy. So go on, reach for another beer, pick up the remote control and let your kids know that you have needs too! Now I can’t say I have all the answers.. (after all I don’t even have kids) but I do have some important guild lines that you can follow that I think will lead to fantastically balanced children.
Take every opportunity to arm wrestle with your children. This will teach them how to lose with dignity and let them know who is boss. Stop when they are big enough to win.
Kids love to be kept on their toes. Children get bored super easy, so liven things up by creating a fun and totally unpredictable household. Cook them dinner at any time between four & midnight. Come home from work at random hours… preferably with wild swings in time each day. Promise to take them to Notts Scary Farm and then forget you ever mentioned it. Lose your temper, then laugh hysterically.
Always be honest. No matter what. Fo example if your child does something stupid, make eye contact and say “You are really stupid.” Then give them contructive advice: “Do it like this, stupid …”
Stop pester power by giving your children anything they want. The novelty will soon wear off, and by the time they are 16 they will have renounced capitalism and become a priest or nun. That way you avoid the really big expenses like a car, college & a wedding.
A child who tells you that she has an imaginary friend is pulling one over on you. I’ll prove it, wrap up an empty box for her birthday and tell her it’s an imaginary Play Station 3. The imaginary friend will soon make a swift disappearance
Kids love to be helpful and they also love to be loved. When communicating with your child foster a feeling of love in your children by starting sentences with “I’ll love you if…” For example: “I’ll love you if you fetch me the remote control… I’ll love you if you wash the dishes… I’ll love you if you pester your mom into making potato soup.
When your child finally asks you where rain comes from, tell him that it’s God crying because of something he did.
Healthy competition between children is a wonderful thing. You can raise a great child by constantly comparing them to other children… “Why can’t you be more like…”
I’ll admit, I’m the first one in pretty much any conversation or chat session to misuse a word, or create a misspelling…. grammer is not my strong suit.. foo shoo. This morning while listening to the radio I heard the DJ use the word irregardless… and it made me think….. people that people listen to on the radio misuse words.. a lot…. so I wanted to do my part to educate everybody on proper word usage.
People think it means: Regardless.
What it actually means: Not a damned thing.
This is not a word. Now, we have no problem with making up words (if a particular scent can only be described as “fartalicious,” we reserve the right to call it so). The problem with this one is “regardless” already means something isn’t worth regard (that’s why the “less” is there) so adding the “ir” to it means… it’s worth regarding again? Beats me.
People think it means: To skim over or browse something.
What it actually means: Almost the opposite of that.
Peruse means “to read with thoroughness or care.” If you peruse a book, you leave no page unturned. This makes sense when you consider the Middle English per use, meaning “to wear out or use up.” Unfortunately, if you “consider the Middle English” very often when speaking, you’re probably not exactly the life of the party. Good luck correcting anybody on this.
People think it means: Any kind of amusing coincidence.
What it actually means: An outcome that is the opposite of what you’d expect.
So, if a porn star moved to Virgin, Utah, that would be ironic. If the same porn star bought a house in Boner Knob, Montana that would not be ironic. Take a stand on this word and correct people.. this poor word has been abuse to the point where it is used mostly wrong…. (like the title of this post?)
People think it means: “Spotless” or “as good as new.”
What it actually means: Ancient, primeval; in a state virtually unchanged from the original.”
It’s therefore perfectly possible to have a pristine mountain of fossilized brontosaurus shit, but if you were to buff that mountain to a lustrous shine, it would no longer be pristine.
People think it means: Mildly amused.
What it actually means: Bewildered or confused.
If you were to say “I was bemused by your dead baby joke,” you wouldn’t be saying the joke was funny. You’d be saying that you completely failed to understand it. a You were following the story up to and including the bit about the trowel, but you’d lost the thread way before the Ku Klux masturbation climax.
Should you care?
It’s hard to blame people for getting this one wrong, the word just sounds like it means, “sort of amused.” I blame the people who originally invented the word, fucking retards.
People think it means: Enormous.
What it actually means: Outrageous or heinous on a grand scale.
War crimes are enormities. Extra-big bouncy castles are not.
Should you care?
This is one of those words you really don’t need to be using anyway, unless you’re giving a speech at the U.N. Just remember that if you say to your girl, “I hope you’re prepared for the enormity of my dick,” you’re implying that your penis is responsible for several acts of evil on the scale of ethnic genocide. This may or may not turn her on, depending on the girl.
People think it means: Nobody is sure.
What it actually means: Nobody is sure.
Specifically, I’m talking about when the word is used with some other adjective. Like if somebody says, “The tide pool is deceptively shallow,” does that mean it’s deeper than it appears, or not as deep?
If you’re not sure, don’t feel bad. The American Heritage Dictionary asked their word experts and they said they had no fucking idea, either. So … nobody knows.
So Christopher and I got into an interesting conversation last night after I told him about something I’d heard on the radio. At this point, you’re probably all aware of the controversial internet dating site called Ashley Madison. The tag line for the site is “When Monogamy becomes Monotony” and it’s basically a site where married and “involved” people who want to cheat on their spouses or fiances can go to meet either single or other married people who want to help them cheat.
I probably needn’t explain why this is controversial. Opposition to the site basically consists of this: Sites like these (as well as the controversial billboard put up by an east coast law firm specializing in divorce cases that pictured a half naked man and a woman in lingerie with a caption that read “Life is short. Get a divorce.”) are leading to the moral decay of society. They encourage engaging in behavior that most would agree go against the vows of marriage and create situations in which one partner is essentially deceiving the other. Not only do they encourage it, they make it very easy by helping men and women who are considering having an affair, find someone to do it with quickly, easily, and discreetly.
In defense to that accusation, the creator basically said that people are going to cheat no matter what and his site was a response to that behavior, not the cause of it. To which the interviewer on the radio (for those of you who listen to L.A. radio stations, it was Scott Valentine) said, “Well if people are going to do crack anyway, why not just open a crack house?”
So… both are interesting points of view and there are a few things to consider when really examining this topic:
1. Does the ability to do something without having to put much effort in, encourage people who might otherwise be swayed from doing it, to do it? I think so. The effort of having to drive to Blockbuster has, for sure, prompted me to just order a PPV movie at home. The amount of effort it takes to do something and the amount of risk involved in getting caught doing it, are definitely factors when deciding to go ahead and do something or not. This site minimizes those effort and risk factors and therefore, in my opinion, does encourage cheating. Now… I have to pose that opinion lightly. If you are in a monogamous relationship, and like being monogamous, are you even going to bother going to that site? Probably not. So the desire to cheat does have to be there before any influence from the site comes into play.
2. Does the general acceptance of a site like this have overlying repercussions on society? I think so. With divorce rates as high as they currently are, I don’t think that the majority of our society takes marriage very seriously. Many people go into marriage for the wrong reasons (either because of family or society pressures, or they’re pregnant, or because they just believe they’re in love and Hey, if it doesn’t work out, I’ll just get a divorce). I don’t personally think all the marriages and divorces and having one kid from this guy and then two kids from the next husband, etc. creates a very stable family unit and family units are very important in our culture for lots of reasons. So even if a site like Ashley Madison is a symptom of the evolution of our society’s perception of marriage and its importance, it still reinforces that perception right or wrong.
3. It’s a free country. Should people have a right to create any sort of business they want if there are people willing to pay for that service? Again, this is a tough one. On one hand, I have to say yes. Our site isn’t for everybody, but Christopher and I have the right to have it and there is certainly a base of people who enjoy reading what we post and are entertained and find it engaging. Our ads don’t make shit for money, so it’s not a business but it’s still what we want to do. With that said, there will always be men willing to pay prostitutes for sex. Yet, prostitution is illegal in most states (partially because it’s difficult to tax, partially because the religious folk don’t agree with it morally, and partially because without excessive regulation, it tends to breed other types of crime and exploitation).
So bottom line… while I feel sites like this have a right to exist, I think we, as people, should really pay attention to how our actions/creations/business endeavors factor in to where we, in general, want our society to go in the next five, ten, twenty years and then take some personal accountability for either pushing it in the right direction or the wrong one. We all have our own individual morals that guide us in that reflection, and those morals differ from other peoples’, but at the point where we actually begin to say that cheating on your significant other and deceiving the person you’ve chosen as your partner in this life is good for society, I think the justification for making a few bucks has overshadowed logic.
So a couple weekends ago, my friend and her husband came into town and wanted me to drive them around Hollywood doing the tourist thing, which I was happy to take a day off from work to do. Our wandering led us to Mann’s Chinese Theater where crews were setting up for the premiere of “Fred Claus.” Hoping we might get a glimpse of Vince Vaughn, we hung out for a while until we all decided we were pretty hungry and realized it would be best to find a restaurant close by because parking in Hollywood, especially on a premiere night, sucks.
The only restaurant on the block happened to be Hooters and my girlfriend, whose sister had worked at Hooters in Nebraska, got excited and said that the food was really good there, and so that’s where we went. It was my first time at a Hooters.
So we all sit down at the table and start perusing the menu. After a couple of minutes a short girl with a cute figure (although I wasn’t particularly impressed with the size of her tits and wasn’t sure they deserved the title of “Hooters” which implies better than average titties just by drawing attention to the idea of them) comes up to the table to take our drink order. She was wearing the typical orange dolphin shorts with tights on underneath and way, way, way too much makeup. I figured with all that makeup, she was either extremely attractive underneath, or excessively hideous, but since it would’ve taken an ice pick and a good ten minutes of manual labor to find out, I decided not to care.
She seemed normal at first… a typical waitress, perhaps a bit too bubbly as she took our drink order, writing it down on her little pad. I ordered my standard diet Coke, my friend’s husband ordered a Bud on tap, and my friend got a Corona Light.
“Would you like a glass?” the waitress asked. I always find it amusing when waitresses bring women glasses for their beers. We all know how unladylike it would be to drink beer directly from the bottle and how heavy a beer bottle can become on the third or fourth tip upward. So my friend says yes and the drinks are brought.
I, of course, still need another minute when she comes back to take the order.
“No problem,” the girl says to me and then turns to my friend and just stares down at the empty beer bottle on the table for a moment. Suddenly, she starts to giggle, prompting us to all look up from our menus.
“Oh… heheheheehhe….” she says tossing her long, brown hair behind her. “I just had a total blond moment.”
We all just look at her, not sure what to say. So she decides to explain…
“I looked at your empty beer bottle and was gonna ask you if you were ready for another one but then I realized I’d brought you a glass so you couldn’t have drank it that fast.”
The glass, by the way, full of beer, was sitting about three inches from the empty beer bottle on a table that’s about 2 feet by 3 feet total.
When none of us responded because we weren’t sure how… she repeated, “I’m such a blond.” Dismissive, and maybe even proud.
Because I’m making a concerted effort not to be such a bitch to stupid people anymore, I let out an obligatory little laugh which I hoped could be construed as polite or at least, an attempt at female bonding. I didn’t even roll my eyes when she walked off. God, I’m becoming a nice person, I was thinking until my self-adulation was interrupted by an ear-splitting “Hooters Girls!” and a metal clip holding an order slicing through the air above my head on its way from the waitress station to the line cooks.
WTF? I turn in time to see the line cook pull an order off the clip and hurl it back on the cable.
Can’t they just use a computer? I thought, but then remembered the “blond moment” we’d just witnessed and decided that even a computer system can’t make up for too many of those.
On the second go around, we ordered our food. My order went smoothly, so did my friend’s. And then it came time for her husband to order. He ordered the hot wings.
As soon as the order came out of his mouth, our waitress shot her tiny fake nailed French manicured hand into the air in front of her face fingers spread.
“We have five levels of hot sauce,” she said and with the index finger of her other hand, pointed at her thumb. “Mild.” Then she pointed at her index finger. “Medium” Then she pointed at the middle finger of the hand held staunchly in front of her face. “Hot…”
“I’ll take Hot,” he says, not realizing the autopilot had been turned on and she was required to finish listing them.
“3 Mile Island,” she said, her voice rising an octave, “and 9-11!”
“Hot,” he said again.
“Hot is the middle one, ” she said as if he might not have understood the lofty concept that she so clearly expressed a moment ago by pointing to her middle finger.
I wanted to ask her why she thought they call it “three mile island,” just because I was curious as to what her answer might be… but then I remembered that thing about me not being a bitch, so I didn’t. Although it may have given me even more fodder for this post.
Half way through our meal, she came back with her little calendar in her hands and flipped through each page, trying to get my friend’s husband to buy one. When he said he didn’t want one, she set it on the table and told him he could think about it. He was busy watching the football game, and I don’t think he spent a whole lot of time thinking about it. About ten minutes later, when she saw no one had touched it, she came back over and retrieved it before it could get splattered with the sauce represented so clearly by her middle finger.
So that was my first experience at Hooters. I was a little disappointed. The food wasn’t that good and the girls weren’t that pretty. Their uniforms weren’t very flattering either. In a town where hot midwestern girls migrate thinking they can be the next Cameron Diaz only to find that they’re destined to share an overpriced studio apartment with future prostitutes, hoping the homeless drug addict that sleeps on the corner will someday stop pissing on their front door, I thought the women would be much more attractive.
But you can’t have it all, right? Beauty and brains are a scarce combination.
So with that said, here is my advice to the Hooters waitresses:
1. Plastic surgery will probably serve you better, and be cheaper than, an entire bottle of eyeliner and foundation ever will.
2. I know manicures are expensive and don’t last long, but most of us can remember a list of five hot sauces (particularly when they’re listed in a logical, progressive order) without the two-hand demonstration.
3. If you have a blond moment and are lucky enough to have kept it inside so that no one realizes you just had a blond moment, go ahead and keep it inside forever.
That’s my advice. If I can help just one Hooters waitress, I’ve done my good deed for the day.