Monthly Archives: February 2008

Feb 26

Answering The Knock of God

*Knock* *Knock* *Knock*

“Sigh” Mumbling to myself I think… “Who in the world is knocking at my door at 6pm… Christine? Nah… she doesn’t just show up… must be the neighbor.”

I’m not really one for checking the peep hole so I throw open the door and instantly realize my mistake as a man dressed in a shirt and tie and a woman dressed in a dress are standing there. Ughh.. Mormons.

Don’t get me wrong.. I really don’t any have anything against Mormons.. at least not anything I don’t have against every other group of religions people who think it is ok to show up at my house to convert me.

Anyway as I they start their spiel about whatever they are spieling about it occurs to me that I might be able to have some fun with this…. so despite the fact that a hardcore game of Call of Duty 4 is blaring in the background.. (and calling for my return) I invite them in.

C: “Hold on.. let me turn this down so I can hear you guys better…, wait.. actually you guys don’t mind if I finish out this game do you?”

MC (Morman Converter): “Ughh… no.. well how long will it take”

C: “Just a minute, I can’t let me team down… I’m playing online and without me.. my team will surely die to these bitches”

MC: “ok”

A few minutes of me swearing and laughing as I get murder countless bad guys pass and eventually the the MC’s start to squirm so I offer the dude a go at the game.

C: “Try it, it’s relaxing”

MC: (getting a glare from the girl)… “No… it’s ok, I’ll pass”

C: “OK, your loss… want a drink.. Beer (ok I have no beer in the house but I knew they would say “No”), Wine, Rum.. Wisky?” as I walk to the kitchen and break out the a few glasses…

MC’s: “Water.. if you have any”

I grab a couple of bottled waters, and the only good bottle of hard liquor I have (some Rum Christine bought for me) I walk back to my living room turn off the video game and start flipping through the channels. The whole time I’m thinking damn if I can manage to find a good porn channel that will be crazy funny.

C: “So.. want to give me your spiel?”

MC’s “We wanted to talk to you about the Mormon religion…”

C: “Fantastic.. I have always wanted to talk to you guys.. I have tons of questions!”

MC’s: “That’s great… go ahead and ask.. we’ll be happy to answer them.”

C: “I’ve always been curious how your religion justifies knowledge of technologies and that never existed in Mesoamerica during the time period described in the Book of Mormon (BOM). For example chariots when there were no wheeled vehicles of any kind, steel swords when there was neither steel nor swords, bellows for blacksmithing, and silk. The BoM describes a vast civilization of millions who inhabited cities for hundreds of years, yet no ruins from even a single BoM city have ever been identified. No BoM place-names were in use when Europeans arrived in the New World. Seeing how Mormonism…. is you know really just a Mesoamerica religion… what are you guy’s thoughts on that?”

MC’s:..”Ugm… well you see..” “That is a really fantastic question, if your willing to come and worship for awhile we have many people who can give you all the detailed answers your looking for”

C: “Ahhhhh I see. They didn’t get that far with the koolaid yet….. anyway I have a few other questions many you guys could answer..?”

MC’s: (slighly less enthused now)… “Ya.. we’ll do our best”

C: “I would really love to sign on to a religion….. really all I need is one that doesn’t fall apart right away ok…? So if you can help me through these.. issues.. I think I might have found a winner… after all I dig that you guys encourage threesomes”

C: “So I think the Book of Mormon has some biological fallacies like animals that did not exist in the pre-Columbian Americas or had been extinct in that region for thousands of years preceding the period described in the book. These include the ass, bull, calf, cattle, cow, domestic goat, horse, ox, domestic sheep, sow, swine and elephants. Several common animals that actually existed in Mesoamerica (deer, jaguars, tapir, monkeys, sloths, turkeys, llamas, alpacas, guinea pigs) are never mentioned. Also described are crops that didn’t exist, such as wheat and barley. Actually ya know, the agricultural techniques required to produce those crops didn’t exist either. Once again, crops that were commonly known to Mesoamerica (chocolate, lima beans, squash, potatoes, tomatoes, manioc) are not referenced…. I’m actually pretty these are fairly significant conflicts”

MC’s: “Chris, we’ve actually got a few more people we need to visit tonight but here is a pamplet. Good Night”

C: “Damn guys. I just found Playboy TV. Alright alright g’night and good luck and take some time and think about the stuff I asked you… and if you ever want to come back and explain it all to me that would be great, I would cherish the opportunity to enlighten you”

————————-
So this story started out as a funny listen how my night worked out it also sparked some deep thoughts.
I’m not sure that the label “fallacies” was appropriate — a fallacy is an error in the reasoning of an argument, not simply any error, lie, deception, etc. If I say “2 + 2 = 5,” that’s not a fallacy. That’s just a mistake. The above issues I pointed out in retrospect seem to be more accurately labeled as lies, not fallacies.

There is simply no getting around the fact that demonstrably untrue things are claimed — and claimed in a work that supposedly came from God, even if written down by someone else. What, didn’t God proof read the Gold Plates?

An additional point of interest occurs to me: if so many people could follow a religion that is so recent but with so many factual holes in it, how much easier would it be to follow a religion that would be much harder to fact-check, assuming that anyone was even inclined to do so in the first place? One of the claims made on behalf of Christianity is that the events upon which it was founded were so recent for so many people that they wouldn’t have followed if the claims weren’t true. After all, it would have been too easy to check. Here, however, we have an example of a religion making claims that can be checked, have been checked, and have been shown to be false — and it doesn’t change a thing. Why, then, expect Jews and Gentiles in the 1st century Roman Empire to be any more skeptical and doubtful?

Feb 22

Here Comes Oscar!

As I explained to Christopher yesterday, the Academy Awards is to me as the World Cup is to him. I was trying to convey how much I like watching the Oscars and his response was… “But the World Cup happens every four years and the Oscars happen every year. You should liken it more to the Superbowl.”

Okay… whatever gets the point across, right?

I love the dresses, the red carpet, the interviews, the stars being themselves. I love seeing the movies that get nominated even though the Academy is hardly exempt from choosing the winners on a political basis rather than the merits of the film alone. But I love to see the craft of writing and directing and acting all come together to make something great. Did I mention the dresses? ;-)

I did see all the movies nominated for best picture this year, so I thought I’d give you my opinion on each one. While this year’s nominees pale in comparison to most years as far as I’m concerned, and nothing really stood out to me as deserving of “Best Picture,” here’s my quick take…

THERE WILL BE BLOOD
While I think Daniel Day Lewis certainly deserves the Oscar for best male actor in a leading a role for his performance in this film, I wasn’t particularly impressed with the movie itself. My general opinion on 2 1/2 hour movies is that they probably could have been told in 2 hours and someone (namely the producers) were too in love with the movie to cut the fat. The film is basically a character study about a man obsessed with success and competition (Christopher could relate ;-) ), an obsession which ultimately leads to his professional, personal, and psychological downfall. Will it win best picture? I’m not predicting it will… nor do I think it deserves it.

ATONEMENT
(Sorry– this one includes a spoiler)
I pretty much hate period pieces– and I also don’t like movies that have huge time gaps because they bring me out of the story. While this was probably my least favorite of the contenders, I think it has the best chance of winning simply because this is the “type” of film the Academy usually graces with an Oscar. I didn’t find any of the performances to be particularly noteworthy and while the concept of the story itself was good (depressing, but intriguing nonetheless), the “happy” ending followed by the “unbearably depressing” ending left me feeling more irritated than impressed at the lead’s half-assed attempt at atonement.

NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN
(Sorry– spoiler here too)
A typical Coen brothers film– violent, unpredictable, dark. It’s a fun ride while you’re in the thick of it, but unlike FARGO, it leaves you wondering what the point really was. Sure, it reflects a reality where greedy bastards sometimes come out on top and there is no character that’s purely good or purely bad. Everyone’s bad and good, stupid and smart. The person most in control can easily be knocked off his high horse by something as random as flirting with a woman sitting near a pool or not paying attention to a car about to run a red light. The film offers its own sense of justice and morality, where keeping one’s word ranks superior to allowing innocent victims to live. Peppered with incredible performances and dialogue I’m jealous I didn’t come up with, I don’t think it will win best picture, but it’s certainly worth seeing.

MICHAEL CLAYTON
Not incredibly original, it felt more like a showcase for George Clooney than anything else. Somewhat ploddy at times, too much effort was spent on poorly integrated subplots, making the film about 15 minutes too long. Don’t get me wrong, Clooney’s certainly easy on the eyes and emerges as a likable protagonist early on, but does it deserve to be remembered along side other Best Picture winners like PLATOON and THE GODFATHER? No. But none of the nominees this year come close. I think the real competition will be between this film and ATONEMENT, even though my personal advice would be to wait until it comes out on DVD. Oh wait… it already has.

JUNO
My personal favorite of the bunch. A simple story told in an original way, but it’s the only movie I told people I’d go back and watch again in the theater if they wanted someone to go with them. Is it worthy of an Oscar– I don’t think so. It’s a great movie, not an amazing movie, but the writing, Ellen Page’s performance, and the directing all really came together in all the right ways. While Diablo Cody’s rather flippant attitude about her success is annoying to say the least, it’s that persona that had a big part in creating the funny, quippy dialogue and rather immature perspective on life and relationships Juno so lovingly embodies. I left the theater feeling uplifted, which in my opinion, sets this film apart from the others. It didn’t just tell a story, it hooked you emotionally in a way the others didn’t. If it were up to me, I’d give this film the Oscar, but I don’t predict the Academy will view it as Oscar-worthy. I’ll keep my fingers crossed though– just in case.

:-)

Feb 15

Mr. Jackson – My Favorite President

Now that election season is heating up, I thought I would chime in on what I look for in a president.

Basically all candidates are compared to Andrew Jackson…. if they can’t hold a stick to President Jackson, they won’t get my vote.

When the 1828 election rolled around, a lot of people were terrified when they heard Andrew “Old Hickory” Jackson was running. If you’re wondering how a guy I’m calling a bad ass got such a lame nickname, it’s because he used to carry a hickory cane around and beat people senseless with it, and if you’re wondering why he did that, it’s because he was a fucking lunatic.

Former Democratic Senator and Secretary of the Treasurey Albert Gallatin feared a Jackson presidency because of his “habitual disregard of laws and constitutional provisions.” Or in other words, the man was a loose canon–17th Century Washigton’s answer to Martin Riggs. Sure, he probably didn’t have an irate black lieutenant to answer to, or a weary partner who was too old for this shit, but he most certainly had a death wish.

How do we know? Well, despite everyone’s best efforts, Jackson was elected to the top office, and when he wasn’t busy shaping the Presidency as we know it today, you could find him out back dueling. In case you haven’t been to the 18th century lately, this unmanly sounding activity actually involves standing across from an armed man and shooting at him while he in turn shoots at you. The number of duels that Jackson took part in varies depending on what source you consult; some say 13, while others rank the number somewhere in the 100′s, both of which are entirely too many times for a reasonable human being to stand in front of someone who is strying to kill them with a loaded gun.

On one occasion, he challenged a man named Charles Dickinson to a duel, (the reason behind it wasn’t important, not to us and certainly not to Jackson), and Jackson was even kind enough to give Dickinson the first shot. We’re gonna go ahead and repeat that: In a duel with pistols, Jackson politely volunteers to be shot at first. Dickinson happily obliged and shot Jackson, who proceeded to shake it off like it was a bee sting. When Jackson returned the favor, Dickinson was not so lucky, and that’s why his face isn’t on the twenty. The bullet, by the by, remained in Jackson’s body for 19 years because, we assume, Jackson knew that time spent removing the bullets would just fall under the general category of “time not dueling,” Jackson’s least favorite category.

Greatest Display of Badassedry:
Andrew Jackson was the first president on whom an assassination attempt was made. A man named Richard Lawrence approached Jackson with two pistols both of which, for some reason, misfired. With the possibility of an assassination taken off the table, Jackson proceeded to beat Lawrence near death with his cane until Jackson’s aides pulled him off the assassin.

The guns were inspected afterwards and it was discovered that they were in perfect working order, leading some historians to believe that it was an odds-defying “miracle” that Jackson survived, while we’re pretty sure that the bullets, like everyone else, were simply scared of Jackson.

Most Badass Quote:
“I have only two regrets: I didn’t shoot Henry Clay and I didn’t hang John C. Calhoun.”

That’s right. In a life rich with murdering people for little-to-no reason, Jackson’s only regret was that he didn’t kill quite enough people. People like Calhoun who, it should be noted, was Jackson’s vice president.

Feb 12

Your Valentine’s Day Sex Playlist

In preparation for Valentine’s Day, I’ve put together a playlist for all the guys who want their girlfriends/wives to think they are romantic when they actually aren’t:

Add this to you Songza!

1. Just Another by Pete Yorn

2. Glory Box by Portishead

3. Undress Me Now by Morcheeba

4. Beautiful by James Blunt

5. Your Body is Wonderland by John Mayer

6. Calling You by Blue October

7. You and Me by Lifehouse

8. By My Side by INXS

9. Sistinas by Danzig

10. Everything I Do by Bryan Adams

11. So Alive by Love and Rockets

12. Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls

13. One Headlight by the Wallflowers

14. Ever the Same by Rob Thomas

15. Sweet Child O’ Mine by Guns ‘N Roses

16. Always on My Mind by Elvis Presley

17. Killing Me Softly with His Song by Roberta Flack

18. No Ordinary Love by Sade

19. Riders on the Storm by The Doors

20. Breathe by Faith Hill

Feb 9

Just When You Think You’ve Met the Biggest Asshole Ever…

Just when you think you’ve met the biggest asshole ever, it turns out you probably haven’t. Unless, of course, you’ve had the pleasure of meeting one of the congregation members of the Westboro Baptist Church headquartered in good ole Topeka, Kansas. If you’re not familiar with this passionately active group of morally upstanding citizens, you can learn all about their doctrine on their website (www.godhatesfags.com). That is not, to give them more press, but I think it’s important to be aware that psychos like this exist, and spread their insecurity and hatred by harrassing the families of recently the recently deceased by picketing funerals.

The crux of their incredibly insightful belief system is basically this– bad things (like death) happen in America because God hates America. Why does God hate America? Because America doesn’t persecute homosexuals. So in line with this logical and rational line of thinking, the god-fearing folks at WBC have come to some very reasonable conclusions that the rest of us may have glossed over… here are a few:

God killed Heath Ledger because he played a homosexual in “Brokeback Mountain.”
The fact that Jake Gyellenhaal is still alive means…?

The tornado that swept across five states last week and killed more than 50 people was God’s subtle way of showing his distaste for the U.S.
I’m irritated that my fourth grade science curriculum forced me to learn a much more complex and convoluted, yet scientifically-based explanation– something about abundant low level moisture and updrafts?

God hates the U.S. military because it allows gays to serve, and therefore caused Marine Cpl. Cesar Laurean to rape, murder, and burn pregnant Marine Lance Cpl. Maria Lauterbach.
But she wasn’t gay… and neither was he… so… could you just explain that connection one more time??

It’s all so simple, I’m surprised the rest of us didn’t get it earlier.

Their website is quite the interesting read. On it, one will find:

A schedule of funerals around the country that the WBC plans to picket, along with obscure and sometimes unintelligible explanations as to why the deceased was connected to homosexuality or the advocation or homosexuality (or sometimes, when they can’t find that link, they just connect the person to the evil United States).

A video in which WBC members explain what their picket signs mean– because contrary to the belief that picket signs should convey what’s being protested, most of their’s… don’t. So verbal explanation is also necessary.

A list of current events in which people have been killed all over the world which clearly proves that God does hate fags.

Photos of church members’ impressionable young offspring shouting hate messages and holding signs as they progress through the indoctrination process.

And links to articles about how God decided to attack America the night that a Topeka man, Kent Lindstrom, set off a pipe-bomb (which police described as a big firecracker) in the Westboro Baptist Church.
I, for one, have always thought that Kent Lindstrom should represent the United States… oh wait, I didn’t mean Kent Lindstrom… I meant the President. But it’s probably a safe assumption that Kent’s feelings toward your church accurately represent those of the rest of the country.

Oh, and don’t let me forget… the blog post about how the September 11th attacks were God’s way of punishing America for rejecting Him.

I’m all for freedom of religion and every individual’s freedom to practice whatever whacked out belief they want to practice in the name of God, but that support ends the moment one feels the “right” to harass a mourning family by picketing and holding up signs suggesting God hates the deceased. These people are the reason states are adopting laws preventing protests at funerals– as pathetic as it is, laws like that are apparently necessary.

My personal opinion, is that all these WBC hatemongers are in for a big surprise when they die, expecting to arrive in a fag-free paradise and find out that the Christian God they’ve been harassing folks in the name of, isn’t all that supportive of their efforts. Since God apparently sends messages of hate through violence, could Kent’s little pipe bomb been God’s way of tactfully suggesting that the Westboro Church stop tossing His name around?

I don’t profess to know much about religion, but I did spend a few summers in Vacation Bible School and I will point out these few basic Christian notions (since they may not have read this far in the Bible yet) to the Westboro Bible Toters:

God’s message is one of love. The concept that God “hates” any of His children is a paradox in and of itself. Now aware of this, I suggest you update your web address from www.godhatesfags.com to “thewestborobaptistchuchhatesfags.com”. Let’s not speak for God when He hasn’t asked us to.

If death on earth is a punishment from God, then you must not be expecting much in the afterlife. Given your actions, you’re probably on to something there.

If the basis of your dogma is a belief in predestination (there’s a painfully long explanation of this on the site), then why does one need to picket or “educate” the general masses which is presumably, to influence their life decisions?

I’m just curious. Actually, no I’m not.