5 Ways to Train Your Man to Get Every Last Drop Inside the Bowl…
1. Line the floor around the toilet with issues of his favorite sports magazine. Since we know a man will never actually bend down and pick up anything that is on the floor, he will be very careful not to drip on them. Note: when trying this, it is very important that you use only sports magazines. If you use issues of Playboy or some other T & A magazine, you may end up needing to wipe down the floor and the walls…
2. Put a handful of cheerios in the toilet. Men love simple, mindless games that challenge their motor skills. This is why they stand in line for hours to purchase the latest games on X-box. When he sees the cheerios floating in the toilet, his first inclination will be to try to sink them. This is a method that has been used to trained toddlers to pee inside the bowl for years… since the mentalilty of most men never progresses that far beyond that of a toddler, this will work for your man too.
3. Trick him into thinking he’s getting a blow job. This one takes a little work, but a quick trip to Home Depot and a grocery store will give you what you need. At the market, buy a women’s magazine and find a full-page ad of an attractive woman’s face. Cut out the face and a large opening where her mouth is. Glue the page to a funnel and then tape the skinny end of the funnel to a short garden hose. Tuck the end of the garden hose under the toilet seat. Your man will be tempted to stick his flopster into the mouth hole of the model. His pee will then travel through the hose and trickle into the toilet.
4. Reward his good behavior. Tell your man that if he can go an entire month without peeing on the floor or the rim, you’ll… [insert whatever he likes here]. Chances are, he won’t be able to get the pee inside the toilet, but at least he’ll wipe it up or use the bathroom at the gas station down the block just so you’ll think he did. One word of warning… you will most likely have to ante up on your promise at the end of the month, so make sure it isn’t something you’re completely unwilling to do…
5. Hide all consumable liquids. A little dehydration never really hurt anyone… if there’s no intake, there won’t be any output either. Remove all the beer, soda, and water from the kitchen and put it some place he’ll never look… like the closet where you keep the vacuum. If he begins to show symptoms of dehydration– like constipation, muscle shrinkage, or becomes too weak to stand on his own– give him a little Gatorade. He’ll be fine… and if he isn’t, there are lots more guys where he came from. Just get a new one. 
OMG, that’s funny! I have to say, though, that if my wife leaves magazines on the floor I’ll pick them up just in case.
If your man leaves the toilet looking like a can of mountain dew exploded it sounds like a lost cause altogether
Touche, AnthonyR, touche…
I’m not speaking for other guys.. but for the most part I’m a pretty good aim, altho to switch topics – I know it is a complicated device but I really do think women should learn how to put the toliet seat down… instead of depending on us, especially in our own houses!
You should feel lucky if your man lifts the seat to Pee, never mind putting it down.
I totally LOVE number one! I’m going to try it, along with placing his wallet, his keys, the remote controls to all seven televisions in the house and a sandwich! You are a genius!
LOL too funny, but I dont think it’ll work on some :/
Thank you, Mongakim… I’m certainly glad that I can be of service…
That gave me quite a giggle. Thanks
I laughed so hard I nearly peed myself!
I’m a real nazi when it comes to leaving the toilet seat up. I was engaged to a guy that had two sons. I came from a family of just me and three girls so the seat being left up was novel for me as my ex husband always left the seat down.
I got sick of the seat being left up, so I found out who the culprit was and made him sit on the toilet floor with his head between the toilet bowl and the toilet seat and I made him sit there for 10 minutes till he got it through his thick skull that the toilet seat remained down.
His sons thought it was hilarious and the seat was always left down, though I could have done with these tips a year or so ago.
Entertaining read. thank youuuuuuuu
Damn, girl… that’s the most extreme approach to that situation I’ve ever heard. But hey… I guess it worked, right? Mission accomplished.
The wives of your husband’s sons will someday thank you.
You may want to add “Block off the yard,” becaus that’s where I’d pee if my toilet was surrounded by magazines, filled with Cheerios and behind a cut-out picture of some woman with a hole in her mouth.
Hm, that garden hose idea sounds interesting…
LOL
You just make my day!
Pretty Original.
awesome blog, i like the design. interested in swapping links?
I am lucky because I do not have that problem in my house…only when my stepson has his friends over:(
Give the guys a break. I have experienced enough womens rest rooms to safely say I’d take a slightly-off man to a hovering woman any day. Bet the girls wouldn’t hesitate to pee on a magazine either.
Bad Penny… I know what you mean… if your quads are not in strong enough shape to “hover” effectively, use a seat cover and bite the bullet. BUT, with that said… I have, on ocassion decided to use the men’s room when the women’s was too long… and I still prefer the ladies’ over the men’s. At least in the women’s restroom, the paper towels are in the trash instead of all of them still nice and neat in their dispenser
That’s the funniest blog today by far! It’s all true. But…. When I was growing up and my mom was potty training me she would throw a penny into the toilet and tell me to hit the bulls eye.
That will teach us to pick up pennies we see lying in the streets. You never know where they’ve been!
6. Get a larger toilet… or turn your bathtub into one. That’s kind of gross though.
Oh… you just reminded me that my ex used to actually pee in the shower because he was too lazy to just go beforehand. When I complained, he said, “What difference does it make? It all goes down the drain anyway…” When we moved in together, I gladly claimed the guest bathroom as mine. He could stand in a puddle of pee to shower if he wanted, but that doesn’t mean I wanted to.
Best approach is to put an image of a fly where you want them to aim. Some companies here make urinals with little flies printed on them for pubs.
God what is it with men where everything dick related has to be a game?
Can’t you all just pee IN the toilet because it’s the right thing to do?
Is your attention span so dismal that you can’t even piss without pennies and flies and other dick props?
Deb… think about what you’re saying, girl… you’re asking men to do something only because it is right? We all know that women are the reason civilization is “civilized.” I think the sheer invention of dick props to help them aim their pee (a bodily function that most still don’t have a handle on (hehe) after 30 years of practice) proves the brilliance of the male mind and its ingenuity…
You know, video games are not mindless simple fun that challenge our motor skills. Video games increase hand eye coordination, help build problem solving skills, and add to your ability to focus and activly contribute to conversations/ other situations. If you think that all video games are simple mindless fun, then you are fooling yourself. If your man plays video games, he is furthering himself. While some games are mindless fun, a vast majority of them involve some sort of problem solving skills. These games aren’t as straight foward and simple as you think…
The cheerios would easily do the trick. All guys like target practice.
I just want to say – you guys have an excellent blog! One of the best out there. Even though I may not agree with everything said here, I am very entertained.
Thank you and keep up the good writing!
#3 is priceless. You know there are at least 25 women who seriously considered trying it out.
I’m here to help womankind… what can I say?
I’ve already solved this problem with my husband, but am too embarrassed to admit how I got him to pee pee in the bowl.
HAHA This is hilarious.
I am surfing on BlogExplosion and came by. I will definately have to check back regularly!
I swear it’s the dogs slobbering on the seat when they drink. Really!
Nice try, Queez… if she believes that, you need to keep her! LOL!
OMG that’s Hilarious. Mind you, I have to say I’ve never had that problem with my man, he pees and he shakes (LOL) right before tucking away
The really hard part is to train a 2 year old to pee into the water while he’s mostly asleep…
:::sigh:::
We have to clean the bathroom on a daily basis.
Ben, I suggest giving your 2 year old a cup of coffee before bed… not too hot of course, or he’ll get burned. But coffee will keep him up and he’ll be wired enough (and his bladder will stay full enough) to get some good practice in. Besides, he’ll have plenty of time to get more sleep when he’s three.
Dawn… I have to tell you… the first time I saw the “shake,” I was like… “Whoa. Wait. WTF are you doing?” When my boyfriend explained it to me, I told him he needed to take a single square of toilet paper and “dab” instead… I’ll never forget the look on his face as he realized I was serious. LOL! I am much more laid back now about the shaking… I just pretend it isn’t happening.
Christine,
You are aware that giving children caffeine at bedtime is like giving Chris pornography while he’s simultaneously unable to copulate or masturbate?
No matter how you look at it, it’s not going to be a pretty sight.
I’m realizing I have absolutely nothing to add to this conversation.. I just have no idea how to potty train a child… Christine was trained when I found her…
I guess he never realized what that wet spot was on his sofa…
i think women should start leaving the toilet seat up….
I agree. Seriously women already have way to many rights.. I think I’ll start taking them back with the toliet seat movement.
yeah Chris let us know how that goes for you.. i feel Lorena Bobbit may be looking for you lol
someday Christine might infamious for stabbing me also
well we cant remove it completely no guy wants his wife/girlfriend to come back into bed with a wet ass and a go sleep on the couch you toilet seat removing swine attitude….
then again Christopher you could be the next Martin Luther with your great rebellion against the tyrannical seat putting down men and over demanding pyschotic stabbing girlfriends
lol
That is the only time– and I repeat ONLY TIME– that Christopher’s name will ever be used in the same sentence as Martin Luther’s.
you are such~:> and:-b
(n) what a cunt!
(n) what a dumb cunt!
Wow… Joe has more anger then me toward women.
I think the inability-to-aim issue may be hitting a nerve with Joe. Perhaps his wife tried all of these things and he still splatters… hard to say.
LOL.
Joe, it’s ok really I always piss on Christine’s toliet and she never even notices… really let go of your anger.. plus it’s a great way to get back at your woman when she is being a intolerable. Yes Christine.. remember that.
you know i think the problem with aim must be attributed to the lack of snow in cali! in the northeast every man learns good aim by peeing their name into the snow, once you can piss good penmanship you can hit the eye of a needle! unless tequila or jello shots are involved :p
Eye of a needle? Only if you threw 10 thousand needles into a bucket. And even then… maybe only a 50% chance of hitting one of 10,000 eyes.
I cant be asred to piss on the seat. I sit down and take the weight off. Sorry to the rest of the male race.
Ummm… the problem there, Andy, is that there are probably 50 guys who just pissed on that seat you just sat on. We already established that men, in general, aren’t very good with their aim. Yucky.
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This is a really funny post, thank you for the laugh, but please know that the toilet is really a good fit only for women’s anatomy, not men’s. That is why we have urinals on the walls in the men’s bathrooms; they are custom made for men, just as the basinet-style is made for women.
Have any women ever tried peeing inside of a men’s urinal? Hard, isn’t it? I once dared a girlfriend to try it, and I can still remember the results. There was more pee on the wall, floor and her legs that on the inside of the urinal.
We are just built different, that’s a fact. And no amount of nagging is going to make men change; on the contrary, nagging will make it worse.
One thing that women will never understand is that it takes a lot of effort and concentration to aim at the center of the toilet, especially when you are half asleep in the morning. Women get better at their aim with age, but men get worse.
I had this girlfriend once that nagged me to death every morning, even when a couple of drops would fall outside the toilet. The bathroom floor was tiled, but for some strange reason she insisted in having these light colored rugs all around the toilet (all the way to the back wall). I insisted that it was not practical, but she said that “it looked pretty”, even if she had to wash them every other day (we had six kids in the house).
Well, one day I got tired of it, and told her that maybe she could do it better than I. She agreed on the condition that i would not move, and she would be “in control” – no cheating. So, I stood in front of the toilet and she stood behind me, holding my penis so that she could show me what I have been doing wrong for 30 years, and how easy and simple is to “correctly aim” to the center of the toilet.
I told her when the stream was coming, so she would get ready, she aimed… and there we go!
The stream went to the floor between my legs, she corrected and it went all the way wall and to the rug on top of the toilet tank. She corrected again and it went to the side all over the toilet paper. Again, another correction and it went all over the way to the towels hanging on the wall.
She removed the rugs at the back of the toilet floor came that day.
I am much older now, but it really took until I lived by myself for ten years to really be aware of the result of my aim. I went on a month-long trip and when I came back I could not stand the smell of the bathroom. I guess that all those “drops” have fermented in a month. I am now a clean freak, and since I have to clean the bathroom myself (i’m being honest here, ladies) I am very careful where I aim.
By the way, there are NO rugs around the toilet seat…
Wow. That was a lot of information, Papo. And it elicited an “ooooh, gross” in my head… at least that part about the fermented pee drops. It’s not so much about poor aim as it is that when you do drip a few drops here and there, you don’t clean ‘em up. No one would know about your poor aim if the tell-tale droplets were wiped away with a square of toilet paper and flushed into oblivion. The thing is… you guys get a choice… improve your aim, or stop being so lazy. If you practice your aim, you get the luxury of being lazy and never having to wipe up drops or listen to us bitch.
And btw… your test with your girlfriend aiming is a bit unfair. Her trying to aim for the first time is like an adult American trying to use chopsticks for the first time. You just can’t expect ‘em to pick up sticky rice as well as the Asians do who USE chopsticks (metaphor for dick pissing) three times a day. Of course the Asians are good at it. They don’t drop grains of rice on the table all around their plate now, do they?
I really don’t agree…
There are three choices…
You can improve aim… (takes effort)
You can clean up (takes effort)
Or you can quit being a pussy and have her clean it up if she doesn’t like it. (this is obviously the correct choice).
Just ask yourself in choice #3 is worth the thirty minutes of your life that will be spent listening to her tell you how annoyed she gets that you can’t seem to do #1 or #2.
Hey is it so difficult if you love your wife never mind your home …. just sit down nobody will cut an inch of when you are there, and for the record I am a man
It’s probably as difficult as entering your email and name..
this is the biggest piece of feminist shit I’ve heard all day, i didnt know if you were serious or joking, ur treating men like theyre filthy retards, seriously “just get a new guy”, women look for so much more in guys than guys look in girls, face it ur more picky then us, and the whole “their mentality never progresses farther than a toddler thing” well we’re not the ones being OCD bout a few drops on the seat if u dont like it then wipe it off, dont bitch bout it to us, we honestly never listen, if ur bitching to your significant other do u honestly think were listening to anything ur sayin, just drowning out ur nagging voices and thinkin bout the football game on last night or sumthin, dont waste your time in trying to “change” your man, its never gonna work, we dont like to admit we’re rong n if we back down then it eats away at our self-conscious and we dont like thinking of ourselves as pussys, DONT WASTE YOUR TIME, WE DONT CARE
If you couldn’t tell if I was serious or joking, then that says more about your IQ than it does the post, darlin.’ See if someone puts the “winking face” in a post, that means… uh, never mind… I get the feeling my words might be falling on deaf ears…
I suspect he is both deaf and dumb!
Furthermore, just put the rug in front of the toilet. Lift the seat, pee, wipe off any excess overflow and wash the rug regularly. It’s not a difficult concept…
OH, and in my house the lid (as well as the seat) stays down each and every time. I’ve had a dog in the house for more than 30 years and we don’t let the dogs drink out of the john, so the lid is ALWAYS down.
I wanted to say: “the lid is ALWAYS down, no if’s, and’s or butts”
Amen.
men,
its your dick clean up after it, like a dog.
think of your dick as a pet.
plus if your man pees out of the bowl; don’t clean it up use a diffrent bathroom and soon they’ll see why you hate it so much and will try to learn.
)
Hi I know it’s a year since anyone wrote here, but……
Sarah the Groupie has the right idea – dicks must be aimed, trained, and if necessary caned! And definitely wiped after doing the deed, not just shaken.