A Bad Egg…

Posted on August 9th, 2005 by Christine.
Categories: True Story.

I got up this morning and decided to make a bacon and egg sandwich for breakfast.

The plan was that the sandwich would consist of two eggs, two strips of bacon, and two pieces of toast with one piece of cheese layered in there somewhere.

I put the toast in the toaster. Then I pull out the bacon and eggs. The bacon’s “best by” date was about a week and half ago, but the package hadn’t been opened. I open the bacon, smell it, and from the hickory scent that wafts up to my nostrils, deem the bacon to be okay. I look at the expiration date on the eggs. A month ago. Hmmmm… one month. Now, I remember my mother telling me when I was first learning to cook that it’s better to boil “old” eggs when you want to devil them. I can’t remember the reason why, but I know she said that. At what point is an egg considered old enough to be ideal for boiling… and when is it too old to use at all? I ponder this for about half a second before I realize my toast is going to pop up before I even get these eggs into the pan and decide to crack them and go with it.
I fry the eggs and bacon and eat my sandwich.

Now, with a content and full tummy, I start thinking about that whole boiling of old eggs notion and decide to boil the rest of the eggs (16 left from a dozen and a half because I used 2) so that I can eat them over the next week without them going bad.

I put water in a pot and add the eggs…

But then I stop.

My eggs are floating. Float-ing. As in bobbing around at the top of the pot. Now, I’ve made plenty of boiled eggs before and I’ve never witnessed this phenomenon. Eggs are supposed to sink. And about five of them do.
I wonder what that means… I think to myself. It can’t be good…

I pick up the phone to call Mom at work and ask her what the ramifications are of eating eggs that float. I get voicemail and hang up. I go to the computer and search for floating eggs.

About thirty articles pop up explaining that yes, floating eggs are bad.

It turns out– and this is something that I think is good for everyone to know– eggs have thousands of tiny pores in their shells. When eggs get bad, bacteria invades through the tiny pores and it causes the eggs to float.

I pull all the eggs out of the pot, turn off the range, and dump them in the trash.

As I’m taking out the floating ones first, I happen to shake one. And it doesn’t shake like a regular egg. It shakes as if there is something solid, like a piece of hard candy inside the egg, rattling against the shell as I swing it back and forth.

Disgusted, I drop that egg into it’s container and add it to the trash with the rest.

Now, I’m not a hypochondriac per se… although Christopher might tell you otherwise… on a hypochondriac scale, I’m probably a 5… cautious, but obviously not cautious enough to think it was a bad idea to eat month-old eggs right off the bat. So I start thinking about the two eggs I already consumed. Would they have passed the Salem Witch trial test that most of the other eggs in the carton failed so miserably? Would they have bobbed around at the surface or sounded like miniature stuffed pinatas when I gave them a shake? God… who knows?

I’ve had salmonella poisoning before and I almost died (not exaggerating). It was the most painful experience I’ve ever had– worse than when I tore the anterior cruciate ligament in my knee (the one that holds the top and bottom parts of your leg together) and had to have surgery to harvest a hamstring, make a new ACL, and screw it into my bones. Yes, salmonella is worse…

So I start thinking about the bacteria I’ve probably consumed and wonder whether it is of the salmonella variety… and of course, start to give myself a stomach ache (even though it could very well be the bacteria already at work on turning my stomach into a hard mass that would rattle if someone shook me).

So… this could be my last post. If I die from bad egg consumption, you will all be subjected to Christopher’s one-sided posts for the rest of your lives. So say a prayer for me.

And if nothing else, learn from my mistake… when it comes to aging eggs, drop those fuckers in a glass of water before you decide to scramble ‘em up and see if they’d be better suited as fishing bobbers.
I’ll let you know later if I live or die.

18 comments.

Women Issues Part - 1 »« Number 1… Again.