Your Valentine’s Day Sex Playlist

In preparation for Valentine’s Day, I’ve put together a playlist for all the guys who want their girlfriends/wives to think they are romantic when they actually aren’t:

Add this to you Songza!

1. Just Another by Pete Yorn

2. Glory Box by Portishead

3. Undress Me Now by Morcheeba

4. Beautiful by James Blunt

5. Your Body is Wonderland by John Mayer

6. Calling You by Blue October

7. You and Me by Lifehouse

8. By My Side by INXS

9. Sistinas by Danzig

10. Everything I Do by Bryan Adams

11. So Alive by Love and Rockets

12. Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls

13. One Headlight by the Wallflowers

14. Ever the Same by Rob Thomas

15. Sweet Child O’ Mine by Guns ‘N Roses

16. Always on My Mind by Elvis Presley

17. Killing Me Softly with His Song by Roberta Flack

18. No Ordinary Love by Sade

19. Riders on the Storm by The Doors

20. Breathe by Faith Hill

Don’t Steal A Flower To Give To A Girl

Roses For A Girl

So I know some of the ladies reading are thinking.. ahhh how sweet.  He stole a flower to give to Christine.    I can tell you one lady.. (Christine) who isn’t thinking this at all. She infact thinks I stole a flower JUST to piss her off. (Because she has told me she hates this before)… ok ok.. this is true but that doesn’t negate how damn nice of a gesture it was to begin with.

Breaking down human behavior into rules might seem like a gross simplification. But even with the complexities, it is easy to fall into the same mistakes. I’d argue that many heated fights, and broken hearts are caused by a few critical errors. If you make the wrong assumptions, you’ve lost before you begin.

First: People Mostly Care About Themselves
People aren’t thinking about you. (ok Christine I’m thinking about you but that doesn’t count ok?) A damaging myth to buy into is believing the amount of time you think of yourself compares to the amount of time others think of you. In reality they are nowhere close. This means that you occupy only a tiny percentage of a persons thoughts. Waiting for people to invite you, becoming embarrassed at a minor faux-pas or emphasizing what others think of you come from failing to use this rule. Almost all people are far too self-absorbed to notice. (this is especially true of me, since I fail to be considerate 90% of the time).

Second: People are Motivated by Selfish Altruism
To say all behavior is strictly selfish would be misleading. It fails to account for acts of charity, ethics and why people don’t just cheat, swindle and lie all the time. Selfish altruism is a broader category that covers why people do nice things as a way to get what they want.

  • Dominance – Some primates (me) will give help as a way of asserting dominance in the group. It is as if they are saying, “Look at how powerful I am that I can give some of my resources to help you.” This is obviously my favorite method.
  • Reciprocity – You scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours. The idea is that I do a favor for you with the assumption it will be returned one day. If the cost to me is less than the benefit towards you, I might help you even if I can’t predict an immediate payback. This is one of Christine’s favorite methods of persusion.
  • Trade – If we both have something the other person wants, we have a reason to interact. While reciprocity is vague on the details of a payback, trade is direct. This just happens to be another very popular method with the ladies.

By looking through this lens of selfish altruism, you can better make decisions. (who am I kidding?) Viewing people as completely uncaring or selfish is incomplete. But expecting people to think of you constantly and do nice things for free is dangerous.

Third: People Don’t Think Much
I believe we drastically overestimate what we do intentionally. Subconscious patterns, environmental stimulus and programmed reflexes occur frequently, even if we later take credit for them.  The conscious mind is a relatively new addition to the human operating system. And it’s been designed to cleverly take credit for a lot of decisions it doesn’t really make. If someone asks you to be unbiased in making a decision, it is probably best to just laugh (muahahahahahah).

Forth: Conformity is the Norm
You become your environment. Uniqueness and individuality tend to warp to fit the people around you. This is true of other people as it is for yourself. It means you should be careful who you pick as friends, partners and colleagues.  When you interact with people from completely different backgrounds, beliefs and behaviors on a regular basis you are more likely to see different perspectives. This is one of the best biggest reasons I liked Christine SOOO much when I meant her… she is just so different than me on so many levels.

9 Ways to Test Her Love

    I think in every relationship there comes a time where you really need to know where you stand.  The truth is relationships are really about testing your significant other to see if they are up to snuff, how they react to certain things can tell you a lot about how deep their feelings are for you.  If the girl doesn’t mind you burping in her face.. that is probably a good thing… ok she might mind but as long as she can giggle that is good.  Over the years I’ve devised a variety of ways to test my status wiht Christine and I’ve listed them below.

    1. The Gum Test - This is personally one of my favorites. Basically the way it works is you get some chewing gum and you chew it… (duh) at random intervals you pull it out of your mouth this accomplished two things, it gets your fingers sticky and it is bad manners. You can do a few things to see where her snapping point is. First you can sit down and use her computer (making her keyboard all sticky – it took Christine about 2 years to say something to me about touching gum than keyboard, I take this as a sign that she likes me a lot). I like to reach over and hold her hand right after I put the gum back in my mouth, Christine never say’s anything about this. Her snapping point? When I put my gum on her leg or cheek as a place for it to rest while I recharge my jaws from chomping away…
    2. The Soda Test – This involves trapping some soda inside your straw while at a nice dinner and then dropping some of that sode onto her hand or plate… generally speaking Christine knows that I’m rather indifferent to my audience when we are eating out so she doesn’t get to upset about this one… it actually usually makes her smile. (usually).
    3. The Interruption Test – Everytime she starts telling you something just interrupt her.. and tell her something. when you finish “oh ya what were you saying”. This will make Christine melt down FAST.
    4. Ignore her for TV – Just kind of look like your tuning out, and watch TV when she gets upset.. just repeat back to her what she was saying.. this can really drive a woman nuts. Why? Because a woman lives for the day she can bust your ass about something and the fact that she thinks she got you and it turns out she didn’t.. is really maddening.
    5. Unhook her Bra & Other Bra Games – Unhook her bra randomly, or lead her around by the back of her bra like it’s a leash.. (women are kind of helpless if you grab them good by the bra, they kind of just go where you point them…) and if your feeling especially playful give her a few bra snaps. Warning.. this type of behavior can inspire and extremly negative reactions.
    6. Chew on Her Pen – Ask her to borrow a pen, promptly pop it in your mouth and start chewing. I pretty much do this automatically and luckily for me I have all these other tests that tell me Christine loves me otherwise I would be screwed.. judging by her reaction to the pen test… she does NOT love me.
    7. Refer to her as Bitch – “Sup Bitch”, “Lata Bitch”, “This is my Bitch Christine”. See how long she lets this go on.. and if she can take it with a smile.
    8. Order Food Without Input – When she gets up to go to the bathroom pre-ordering, go ahead take the liberty. When she tells you she doesn’t like something, tell her to quit whinning and eat it. This is another one that Christine does not like on any level.
    9. Reprogram the Electronics in Her Life – Like replacing pictures of Meshia with Jessica Alba on her desktop wallpaper or upgrading her Pete Yorn collection to Eminem on Pandora and if you really want to test her love, reprogram her radio stations in her car.

    The Likelihood of Dating a Christopher…

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    Last week, Christopher’s parents came to visit and while Christopher was spending time with his dad, I spent quite a bit of time with his mom. Now… let me give you some background on our names. Christopher is called “Chris” by almost everyone. I am called “Christine” by almost everyone except my immediate family. They call me “Chris.” When Christopher and I visit my family and someone says, “Hey, Chris…” we both turn and look, but my family calls Christopher “Christopher” because they’re used to calling me “Chris.” It’s all a little confusing for sure.

    While Christopher’s parents were out, his mother had lunch with my mother and my mom called me “Chris.” And that’s how this whole thing about name confusion came about.

    For the sake of this blog… I’m glad we’re both Chris or the whole “chris vs. chris” thing wouldn’t be nearly as cute. But his mom and I, after lunch, were in the car and she said to me… “How funny the two of you have the same name… what are the odds you’d end up with a Chris?”

    I laughed and nodded, but it got me thinking about what those odds really were. So I decided to look it up on the SSA’s website to see what my chances were of ending up with a Christopher.

    On average, between the birth years of 1970 and 1977 (which would be the correct birth years for the age of men I would date), 2.8% of the males were named Christopher. In 1970-71, it was the 6th most common male name, 72-73 the 2nd most common male name, and 74-77 the 3rd most common male name. So of all the men in my dating pool, almost 3 out of 100 were named ‘Christopher.’ I would only be more likely to date someone by the name of Michael or Jason (the number 1 and 2 names for that time period, on average). So the answer is… it was considerably likely that I might end up with one.

    Now, for Christopher, the likelihood of him dating a Christine is less. Only .66% of the women in the same dating pool have the name Christine. Throughout the course of those years, the name Christine ranged from the 14th most common female name to the 30th most common. Now… to make things more complicated, if you include the name “Christina” as a form of the female “Chris,” his chances of dating a “Chris” are higher than mine were of dating a “Christopher.” But Christina does not count (despite the fact that many, many people seem to think they are the same name and cannot decipher between the “a” and “e” vowel), so we won’t go there.

    If you want to look up your name to see how many people you share it with, you can look up your birth year at www.ssa.gov website.

    Conduct “Unbecoming”

    Two cases involving the behavior of women being scrutinized has recently garnered a lot of public attention, so I thought I’d post on the subject and give my two cents.

    First, let’s talk about Miss New Jersey. Here’s the recap: 22-year-old Amy Polumbo (Miss New Jersey) was almost forced to give up her crown after “racy” photos were anonymously mailed to pageant officials. It turns out that she was able to keep her crown, but after seeing the photos that were ultimately released to the public, I’m wondering why it was a problem to begin with. The photos– which show no nudity at all– are hardly racy. One shows Amy’s boyfriend pretending to bite her nipple through her shirt (whose boyfriend hasn’t done that???), a photo of her with her legs spread (she’s wearing jeans), a picture of her in a Halloween costume where she’s holding napkins over her breasts (not topless), and a photo of her doing shots with some girlfriends in a bar (she’s of legal age).

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    Likewise, in 2002, Miss North Carolina (Rebekah Revels) relinquished her crown after an ex-boyfriend called pageant officials and said he had topless pictures of her. No one even saw the pictures, but the woman paid the price anyway.

    That brings me to Heather Hull. Heather was a correctional officer in Pennsylvania when the opportunity arose for her model for Playboy magazine. In an effort to do something she’s always wanted to do (model for the magazine and see if it would jumpstart a modeling career) but NOT draw too much attention to it, Heather died her hair from blonde to black and used her maiden name in the magazine. Nor did she talk about being in the magazine. However, when someone at the prison where she worked recognized it was their very own Heather, the prison fired her for conduct “unbecoming” of a prison guard. Her attorney is now suing the prison for wrongful termination, pointing out that Heather did not violate her union contract and to suggest that modeling for Playboy was conduct “unbecoming” was hypocritical since they were allowing the magazine to be brought into the prison to be read by inmates and prison staff. So is the magazine immoral or not? If it’s not, how can she be considered “immoral” for posing in it? If it is, why is allowed inside the prison walls? She has a good chance of winning her case, but again… it seems like there’s a lot of hoopla over nothing here.

    The more disturbing thing here is how our society views what’s “acceptable behavior” for women. Honestly, are there a lot of women out there whose boyfriends don’t have some sort of naked picture of them? Should all women just refuse to have a silly, fun evening in bed with their boyfriends, never letting their guys take any possibly compromising photos of them because at some point someone might consider it “unbecoming?” I don’t know a lot of guys who would appreciate that. And why is it okay for entities like Playboy Magazine or the Miss America pageant to parade these women around in bikinis or nude, and yet somehow– the “unbecoming” conduct falls on the women who take part in it?

    It’s hypocritical to buy Playboy and enjoy looking at naked women in magazines and then suggest the women who model for them are somehow immoral for doing so. If all the women suddenly decided they were sick of being judged and stopped posing in the magazine, there’d be NO magazine. It’s almost as if society is saying– hey, sexy women, we want to see you naked and appreciate you as a sex object, but if you make the decision to do this yourself and be in charge of your own sexuality then we’ll view you as having less than stellar morals.

    And that brings me to society’s expectation of women in general. I don’t think this perspective is reserved just for models and pageant contestants. It affects all women in this country. Women have a right to make these decisions without being judged for them, or to worry about losing a job that had no business telling a woman what she could do or couldn’t do with her body as long as it didn’t affect her job performance. Why is it even remotely acceptable for a woman’s job to have even an opinion about what she does in her free time? Are men fired from their jobs for cheating on their wives? Not any I’ve heard of. That, to me, seems more immoral than posing in a magazine or taking party pictures with your boyfriend.

    While not every woman would choose to be in Playboy given the opportunity for their own moral reasons are because they don’t want to deal with the potential fallout in their personal lives, it doesn’t mean anyone has a right to persecute the ones who do choose to. Our culture seems to have a lot of conflicting expectations about women, sex, and a woman’s decision to bring light to her own sexuality. I think we’d all be better off if we could get past some of them and realize that if men want to celebrate the female body by admiring them in magazines and pageants, etc., then women need to be able to fully explore themselves as sexual beings without risking their livelihoods or worrying about being the center of a scandal.