Deceptively Ironic Wordplay

Posted on November 23rd, 2007 by Christopher.
Categories: Hilarious.

I’ll admit, I’m the first one in pretty much any conversation or chat session to misuse a word, or create a misspelling…. grammer is not my strong suit.. foo shoo. This morning while listening to the radio I heard the DJ use the word irregardless… and it made me think….. people that people listen to on the radio misuse words.. a lot…. so I wanted to do my part to educate everybody on proper word usage.

1. Irregardless
People think it means: Regardless.
What it actually means: Not a damned thing.

Explanation:
This is not a word. Now, we have no problem with making up words (if a particular scent can only be described as “fartalicious,” we reserve the right to call it so). The problem with this one is “regardless” already means something isn’t worth regard (that’s why the “less” is there) so adding the “ir” to it means… it’s worth regarding again? Beats me.

2. Peruse
People think it means: To skim over or browse something.
What it actually means: Almost the opposite of that.

Explanation:
Peruse means “to read with thoroughness or care.” If you peruse a book, you leave no page unturned. This makes sense when you consider the Middle English per use, meaning “to wear out or use up.” Unfortunately, if you “consider the Middle English” very often when speaking, you’re probably not exactly the life of the party. Good luck correcting anybody on this.

3. Ironic
People think it means: Any kind of amusing coincidence.
What it actually means: An outcome that is the opposite of what you’d expect.

Explanation:
So, if a porn star moved to Virgin, Utah, that would be ironic. If the same porn star bought a house in Boner Knob, Montana that would not be ironic. Take a stand on this word and correct people.. this poor word has been abuse to the point where it is used mostly wrong…. (like the title of this post?)

4. Pristine
People think it means: “Spotless” or “as good as new.”
What it actually means: Ancient, primeval; in a state virtually unchanged from the original.”

Explanation:
It’s therefore perfectly possible to have a pristine mountain of fossilized brontosaurus shit, but if you were to buff that mountain to a lustrous shine, it would no longer be pristine.

5. Bemused
People think it means: Mildly amused.
What it actually means: Bewildered or confused.

Explanation:
If you were to say “I was bemused by your dead baby joke,” you wouldn’t be saying the joke was funny. You’d be saying that you completely failed to understand it. a You were following the story up to and including the bit about the trowel, but you’d lost the thread way before the Ku Klux masturbation climax.

Should you care?
It’s hard to blame people for getting this one wrong, the word just sounds like it means, “sort of amused.” I blame the people who originally invented the word, fucking retards.

6. Enormity
People think it means: Enormous.
What it actually means: Outrageous or heinous on a grand scale.

Explanation:
War crimes are enormities. Extra-big bouncy castles are not.

Should you care?
This is one of those words you really don’t need to be using anyway, unless you’re giving a speech at the U.N. Just remember that if you say to your girl, “I hope you’re prepared for the enormity of my dick,” you’re implying that your penis is responsible for several acts of evil on the scale of ethnic genocide. This may or may not turn her on, depending on the girl.

7. Deceptively
People think it means: Nobody is sure.
What it actually means: Nobody is sure.

Specifically, I’m talking about when the word is used with some other adjective. Like if somebody says, “The tide pool is deceptively shallow,” does that mean it’s deeper than it appears, or not as deep?

If you’re not sure, don’t feel bad. The American Heritage Dictionary asked their word experts and they said they had no fucking idea, either. So … nobody knows.

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