He’s My… My… “Boyfriend…”?

Posted on April 3rd, 2005 by Christine.
Categories: Hilarious, Sex and Relationships.

As if relationships weren’t hard enough to begin with… now you have to figure out what label you can put on your relationship to communicate to the world exactly how you feel about one another. Why do we obsess over shit like this, or even think twice about it? I don’t know… it’s just one of the many pressures society puts on us. Instead of just telling Aunt Hilda to mind her own damn business, we feel compelled to figure out what that label is, so that Aunt Hilda can go back to Fucksville and tell all the people in her church group that her precious little neice finally has a boyfriend.

I won’t lie… I’ve succumbed to the pressure. I’ve put labels on relationships that I didn’t even know were relationships just so I wouldn’t have to explain them further. But, it’s wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong! And I am determined never to do it again…

It’s not entirely our fault though… the English language fails us. For example, in English, there is only one word for “love.” We use the same word whether we’re saying we love our grandmother, we love our cat, we love the sales at Macy’s, we love our husbands, or we loved getting fucked doggy-style. Those are all very different types of love… but there’s only one word. In Spanish, there are three words… one meaning I love you as in “I want to fuck you” (Yo te quiero), another meaning you really, really like something– like it’s your favorite food (Me encanta), and a third that means love like you’d have for the man you marry (Te amo). In Hebrew, they have even more… but being that most of us Americans only speak English (and some don’t even do it that well), we’re screwed.

Who am I kidding? I will, at some time in the future, have to put a label on a relationship when I don’t want to…

So I came up with some new labels for relationship status… feel free to add more if I missed some…

Husband/Wife
The person you are legally bound to, most likely share property with, and are pretty much tied to financially for the rest of your life.

Fiance
The person you agreed to marry in a moment of intense romance, and still feel pretty comfortable with that decision as long as he doesn’t fuck things up at his bachelor party or she doesn’t get all psycho over the table decorations for the wedding.

Ex-Fiance
The person you agreed to marry in a moment of intense romance, and then realized that you would be a fucking idiot to seriously consider spending the next 50 years of your life with this person. However, you’ve somehow come to the conclusion that you’ve invested enough time with this person to try to keep them in your life in some form or other, which is why you need a label at all.

Babydaddy/Babymama
The person you thought you kind of liked– at least at one time– and were passionate about fucking enough that you said “To hell with condoms!” and then realized you are now, unfortunately, tied to for the rest of his/her miserable life.

Boyfriend/Girlfriend
The person you are committed to hanging out with on a regular basis and fucking monogamously. You can answer questions about their immediate family, eye color, and middle name. You may be required to attend outings with his/her family and parties for his/her work, but not family reunions.

Giss (Guy/Girl I’m Sorta Seeing)
The person you just started dating, and haven’t really decided if he/she is worth giving up the possibility of dating other people yet, but you like him/her enough that you’re actually mentioning him/her to people in conversation… or you’re spending enough time with him/her that you bring up his/her name when telling a story about something cool you did over the weekend.

Binwo (But… it’s not working out)
The person you were dating, and have since realized that you no longer want to date… but you either don’t know how to break it off, or you find yourself calling him/her when you’re drunk or lonely.

Fuddy (Fuck Buddy)
The person you have already realized you don’t want to be in a relationship with because you find them to be vapid or too high strung, but he/she is pretty bangin’ in bed and you hook up with him/her on a regular basis, sometimes staying the entire night, and sometimes jetting out before the sun comes up.

Nat (Now and then)
The person who doesn’t live anywhere near you, but occasionally comes into town, and when he/she does, you pretty much make yourself available to fuck him/her.

Notsog (Not so good)
The person you really thought, in a state of intoxication, would be a good fuck, but the sex was terrible and you realized five minutes into it that the experience was on a crash course for disaster. Most one night stands end up being Notsogs.

Ginf (Guy/Girl I’d never fuck)
A person you have absolutely no interest in ever sleeping with and want to make sure the hottie that you are interested in doesn’t accidentally think you might actually be into this person.

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