Last weekend, I told Christopher I wanted to go on a hike we’d done before in Palos Verdes. I hadn’t been out of the house all weekend and needed some fresh air so I called him up, told him I was going, and asked if he’d like to join me. He agreed.
Now let me explain a little about this hike. Basically, you drive to a paid parking lot where you leave your car and there is a picnic area that overlooks the scenic rocky cliff of Palos Verdes and the ocean below. From the edge of the picnic area, there are two paths that take you down that rocky embankment to more rocks that jut out into the ocean where there are lots of tide pools and an underwater cavern. People make the trek down there to fish, collect shells, snorkel, swim, or like Christopher and I did last summer– see if we could make out without getting caught. 
One path is short, and one is much longer. The short path is actually physically easier, but it brings you to an area where you actually have to cross a very steep, wet area to get to the tide pools. The longer path drops you off right at the tide pools, but it adds about an additional mile each way.
So we get to the edge of the picnic area. Christopher has his backpack on, stuffed with water bottles, etc. (he is always very prepared except for when it comes to sunscreen as he’s already had three sunburns this summer). Here was the conversation… and the reason it’s funny is because you all know my boy Christopher works in marketing. So he’s very good at selling people on stuff. I’ve known him long enough to see through it most of the time, but it doesn’t stop him from trying.
Christopher: Which path do you want to take?
Me: Remind me again… what’s the difference?
Christopher: Well… the one that goes down this side is shorter and the one on the other side is longer but it takes us right to the tide pools without having to climb the side over that water.
Me: Oh yeah… let’s go the way that takes us to the tide pools.
Now I could see from the look on his face, he wanted to go the other way.
Christopher: So you want to go the long way?
Me: Yeah, sure, why not?
Christopher: Well… because it’s gonna add like 2 miles to the hike.
Me: I’m down for that. You aren’t?
Christopher: I am, I am. We can go that way.
Me: Okay. Let’s go.
Christopher: Hang on a sec. Let’s think about this…
I stop and look at him, wondering what else there is to think about.
Me: Hon… if you want to go the short way, we can.
Christopher: Just wait…
He kneels down and uses the palm of his hand to smooth out the dirt. I know right away what’s about to happen next…
Me: Are you going to draw me a map?
He loves to draw maps in dirt.
Christopher: Yes. Okay…
He takes his finger and draws a curved line meant to represent the edge of the cliff. It’s rustic, simplistic. I could envision it without a map, but he seemed to be enjoying running his fingers through the dirt, so I just stood there and paid attention.
Christopher: Alright… here’s the cliff. If we go this way, it takes us right down to the beach area below us. If we go the other way… we have to walk all the way down that little road before– it’s like a mile– then we have to go down that windy part where there’s all kinds of rattle snakes and shit and then we have to–
Me: Okay, okay. Let’s just go the short way.
Christopher: We don’t have to, I’m just telling you what to expect if we go the other way…
Me: Babe, you obviously want to go the short way or you wouldn’t have brought up the rattle snakes “and shit.”
Christopher: Well, we’re wearing shorts.
Me: I don’t really think we’re gonna get bit by a rattle snake if we go that way, but if you’re worried about it, we can go the short way.
Christopher: Christine. Palos Verdes has the highest concentration of rattle snakes in California.
I wait for him to crack a smile, but he’s serious.
Me: No, it doesn’t.
Christopher: It does.
Me: The highest concentration? I’m sure that’s probably Big Bear or Calabasas or something.
Christopher: Didn’t you see the rattle snake sign the last time we did this hike?
Me; Probably… but I don’t remember it. Let’s just go the short way.
Christopher: Nope. Let’s go the way you want to go… I just hope you don’t get bit by a rattlesnake.
Me: Really. I’m fine with the short way.
Christopher: Are you sure? Because we can go the long way… but there’s also that area where you have to use your hands to climb.
I start to laugh. He’s lucky he’s so damn good-looking.
Me: No, I want to go the short way. Come on…
I start to walk down the shorter path and Christopher falls into step beside me. I think he was happy he’d convinced me to go the short way.
We make it down to the tide pools and it was well worth the trip. They were full of sea plants and baby crabs. So we walked around the tide pools discovering starfish and sea anenomes and conch. And then we made the hike back to the top. We headed back to Redondo Beach for dinner. Our little adventure only lasted a couple hours but there’s no place I would rather have been on a Sunday afternoon. 
And I can’t think of a person who would have made it more fun than Christopher.
She forgot to mention the sign at the bottom of the path telling you to STAY on the path because of the high concentration of Rattle Snakes!
When you “made out”, did you get baby crabs then?
Oh gawwwwd…. that was bad. And kinda gross.
Ewwww, PJ
Yeah, I *still* got it…
the ability to gross out intelligent, sexy women even over distances as great as a thousand (or more) miles away. Yep, it’s a gift. (said while doing my best impression of Barney Fife pulling up on his belt)
And speaking of Mayberry… why hasn’t Ron Howard been answering my emails? Christine — you’re in the business…. have you heard any rumors why that might be?
Oh, and before I forget…
Just to defend my lack of honor and reputation — I merely meant that IF you 2 young kids were so inclined, then perhaps you might have been *doing it* down by the tidal pool (what do y’all call it now — “hooking up”). In your text, you said “They were full of sea plants and baby crabs.“. I was merely questioning if you had been pinched on the bum by one or two of the little creatures!
Y’all need to get your minds out of the gutter and back into the tidal pool — *huff*
Only 7 more comments needed now!!!!!!
I knew someone else who was proud of his ability to gross women out… what was his name…? Let me think… we were in the second grade…
You were in the second grade? Me too… how many years were you there? I only stayed one year.
Actually, Chris is almost right… Palos Verdes Peninsula does in fact boast the greatest concentration of Southern Pacific rattlesnakes in all of California, but it is only second in California for total Rattlesnake concentrations if all 6 of the native species are taken into consideration. The Western Diamondback [Crotalus atrox] is more commonly seen there by hikers on the coastal paths, and account for roughly 80% of deaths, due to their more aggressive nature.
The Northern Pacific rattlesnake is quite rare there, and Sidewinders, Speckled, and Red Diamond rattlesnake are more abundant in Southern California, and the Baja region.
The Northern Mojave Rattlesnake is in fact the most venomous snake in the USA, but is rarely seen on trails in the Palos Verdes Peninsula, and although there is a 100% mortality rate from envenomation, there were only 1,718 reported cases in the Torrence area in 2006.
Hikers are statistically ‘safe’ in Palos Verdes, as long as they stay away from Portuguese Bend… More people are envenomed by Rattlesnakes there every year than in any other area of comparable size in the USA, including Alaska and Hawaii. There is an especially high – 97% mortality rate among women weighing less than 130 lbs who are bitten, and this is mainly due to their reluctance to wear loose fitting, long pants, as advised by the CPCS.
Malaga, and Abalone coves, and Lunada Bay are relatively ‘safe’ with only 4,356 reported rattlesnake attacks resulting in death between 2004 and 2006.
Smuggler’s cove interestingly enough, boasts the highest reported number of blond women who are bitten on their bare breasts every year whilst illegally sunbathing topless or nude there…
Heh,
Guess where we hiking.. Portuguese Bend
ROFL… that was priceless, Trouble. Truly priceless. (y)
By the way… there are no snakes in Hawaii.
Ironically, there is (or rather was) a ProphetJoe there! But that’s another story…
BTW, there are no indigenous snakes in Hawaii…
We love Trouble.
“there are no snakes in Hawaii…” …Yes Christine… And there were no gunmen on the grassy knoll, Neil Armstrong really walked on the moon, and I promise I won’t come… First in the Boston marathon…
There are however… “muthafu(kin snakes on this muthafu(kin plane…”
As of last week, when I called the hotline specifically dedicated to reporting snakes in Hawaii… there were none. At least I don’t think there were because no one answered when I called. It might’ve been lunch time…
Mara… There is an old saying about juxtapositioning one’s money and mouth…
Christine… Prank calls to the Hawaii Pest Control hotline [586-7378] are not appreciated, and will not be tolerated. This is serious snake-control business…
The Island Blind Snake [AKA- Brahminy, Flowerpot, Common or Hawaii Blind snake of the Genus; Typhlops. Ramphotyphlops braminus] is the island’s only established land based snake. It was introduced in the early ’80′s, is not venomous, and does not grow more than 6 to 8 inches, a foot at most. It spends most of its life burrowing, so it is usually mistaken for a large earthworm, and eats mostly larvae, hence harmless to all but the most chicken-hearted of girly-men.
There are however, several sea snakes of the Elapidae family that could be considered indigenous, some of which are highly venomous and of a neurotoxic nature.
There are also several introduced species despite the heroic efforts of said pest control dept. Most are stopped at the border so-to-speak, but some make it into the ‘wild’… Luckily, they haven’t gained any real foothold yet, unlike in Guam where the introduced snakes have decimated the islands bird population…
But, I’m sure you knew all this already, so quit playin’… Everyone knows that our Bras Hahnu and Kahlanni take lunch between 12 and 2:30pm, so call back later…