How to Avoid Fatal Attraction

Posted on June 2nd, 2006 by Christine.
Categories: Sex and Relationships.

So Christopher and I were at dinner last night and I was telling him about a guy friend of mine who had relayed to me a story about this girl he was hooking up with and had asked my advice because she was getting a little too “involved.” Christopher was curious about the advice I gave him, so I figured I’d post on it. Now… I know several girls who have experienced the same thing– well, not quite the same– when guys get nutty, it’s usually a different set of circumstances– so I’ll leave my advice to the girls for a later post. Guys… here is a step by step guide to avoiding fatal attraction…

Creating a fertile breeding ground for fatal attraction depends mostly on how often you see the girl and what you say (or don’t say) when you do see her. Here’s what you can expect at each level:

1. First encounter.
At this point, it still has the potential to be a one-night stand, an ongoing “bed buddy” type of relationship, a friends “with benefits” relationship, or an actual serious relationship. What you say here is critical, because there haven’t been enough interactions between the two of you for her to judge your actions over your words, so she will trust your words. If you’re not interested in her as a potential relationship, make sure you tell her. Don’t phrase it in a way that implies she’s not good enough to have a relationship with, but be clear that a relationship is not what you’re looking for. Very few women get too invested after a one-night stand. The only time they become more interested than they should is if the sex is really, really amazing. So if you are a very skilled boy… and don’t want to hook up with this girl again… save pulling out the big guns for someone else. She’s much more apt to let you go if you make her cum once than if you give her six orgasms and show her she likes things she’s never tried before.

2. Second encounter.
So now, you’ve definitely ruled out that this girl is just a one-night stand. By sleeping with her a second time, your actions are telling her that you enjoyed the sex enough– or even her company enough– to want this to be ongoing. You need to be verbally explicit about what you’re looking for… if you’d like her to be a “bed buddy,” ask her if she’s down with that kind of a situation. If you get the sense she’s saying that she is, but she’s really hoping it will turn into something more, then you should probably stop hitting that. If she seems genuinely cool with that, set the ground rules about protection and all that so she isn’t under the impression that you’re not in a relationship but you’re only sleeping with her when you fully intend to sleep with other people too. Just make sure you’re clear about what your intentions are so she can’t come back later with an accusation that you led her on. She might anyway, but it will be unfounded and her friends will tell her “But he told you from the beginning that’s not what he wanted.” Having her friends echo what you told her will help to prevent fatal attraction behavior later on.

3. Third encounter
You are now “sleeping together.” This is where words start to mean less and less. If you continue to spend time with her, call her, coordinate hook up sessions, she will start to believe that despite what you initially told her about not wanting a relationship with her, it is moving in that direction. That’s why it’s really important that you clarify the type of relationship you plan on having, set the ground rules, and don’t deviate from those rules. Once you start calling her more than the ground rules for that relationship imply you should, she will assume you’ve moved on to something more substantial.

Now… you have to consider the oxytocin factor. Orgasm in women creates a hormone that makes them feel feelings of love. This is how women who logically look at a guy and say “I’d never have a relationship with that guy” end up having sex, thinking it will just be sex, and then “develop feelings” later on. Guys don’t understand that behavior because it doesn’t happen to them. Keep in mind also that the more time you spend with her, the less time she’ll be spending hooking up or dating anyone else. Monopolizing her time doesn’t serve you well if you don’t want her to become invested in you as a potential relationship.

In my friend’s case, the girl he was hooking up with was really, really unattractive– and lived next door. He made it clear to her that he didn’t want a relationship with her but because she wasn’t getting attention from other guys, the little attention he gave her became much more important than it would have to women who frequently get attention from guys every time they go out. In addition to that, he broke it off rather early (when she flipped out on him for borrowing a porno from her roommate) and then in a drunken state one night, booty-called her and started the whole thing over again. Once you say it’s done… be done! What is a night of weakness for you, conveys to her that you aren’t really sure what you want, that you miss her, and that next time you say something (like “I don’t want to see you anymore”), you don’t really mean it.

By the seventh or eighth encounter, anything you’ve said before means nothing. She sees you as a potential relationship. She obviously likes the sex with you. She has no control over the oxytocin… and you’ve now given her 7 or occasions to feel the faux-loving after effects. If you don’t break it off now, you can expect drama when you finally do. Even a friends with benefits or bed buddy relationship will begin to weaken. The friends with benefits relationship works best with an ex because both people have already tried the avenue of having a real relationship with that person, found out first hand it wouldnt’ work, and have emotionally moved on even if they enjoyed the sex together. But it is inevitable that it will end at some point– when one becomes interested in someone new– and the other person will feel jilted. So the bottom line… being honest is great, but don’t rely on it solely to prevent fatal attraction. You’re better safe than sorry, and breaking things off a little too early instead of squeezing a few extra fucks out the person is better than breaking them off too late and having her go insane and break into your email and lock you out of all your accounts and send emails to your friends in family about what a shit you are and all that.

Take it or leave it… it’s just my advice.

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