Irrational Fears… and Marriage

Posted on July 13th, 2005 by Christine.
Categories: Sex and Relationships.

Irrational fears are defined as fears that have no real basis in reality. And they’re a part of life. We all have them. I have an irrational fear of spiders. Christopher (I just found out last weekend) has an irrational fear of miniature ocean crabs…For the most part, irrational fears don’t really affect people on a daily basis (unless your fear of ocean crabs causes you to suddenly drop a heavy rock you just picked up and needlessly kill several crabs because you thought one, that was holding onto the rock by it’s one tiny little claw, void of enough strength to even pull himself up onto the rock, was going to somehow demonstrate Herculean strength, scurry onto the rock you were holding, and uh-oh, pinch ya). If you’re scared of flying, you may miss out on going to Hawaii and waste most of your vacation time driving instead of taking a plane, but whatever.  However, I;m starting to think I may have an irrational fear that I bring to relationships.Let me back up. I’ve never been married. I’d like to get married someday… I always envisioned myself finding that one amazing guy who will be my best friend, and marrying him. But I’m starting to think that maybe I’m not the marrying type…

I seem to have a pattern of dating guys, we break up, and then the very next girl they date for about 2 months, they decide to marry. I just found out today that one of my ex’s is getting engaged to the first girl he dated after we broke up, and about six months ago, my ex-fiance got married, too.

Now, that’s not to say that I’m not happy for them. I’m really glad they found someone, and I’m also really glad that it wasn’t me… but why does this seem to be so easy for everyone else?

So I started asking myself questions.

What’s wrong with me?
The obvious answer was ‘nothing.’ Hmmm… next question.

Am I just such a pain in the ass that the first woman a guy meets after being with me seems like such a breath of fresh air, he wants to spend the rest of his life with her?
Answer… don’t think so. Moving on…

Am I the type of girl that guys like to have fun with, but don’t want to bring home to mom?
Moms tend to like me, so I don’t think that’s it.

Doesn’t giving great head count for something anymore?
Apparently not…

In the past, I’ve had a huge (irrational) fear of commitment. I’m a genius at finding a way to not stay in relationships, maybe even sabotage them when I start to fall in love with the guy. I’ve found a million excuses– I need to focus on my career, I don’t like being tied down, blah, blah, blah. My olfactory senses are sharp enough that I can smell my own bullshit. Or maybe I subconsciously find men that I know will never want to stay with a chica like myself, so that a part of me always finds solace that it will someday end. I don’t know… I probably need a therapist to really explore all the nuances of my relationship issues.

I see people getting married, falling completely in love with their partner (hopefully not in that order), and deciding to make the second biggest decision of their lives (the first biggest being to decide to have kids I think). And then I see people just walking away from their spouses, getting divorces, battling it out in court. My father, who has been divorced three times, left my mom after 23 years of marriage… not that the marriage was that good, but he didn’t even try. Refused to go to counseling, refused to talk things out, just had her served with divorce papers on a holiday without any warning. I don’t ever want to be like that. I don’t ever want to be in a marriage that’s falling apart, or a messy legal battle over custody, or be someone’s ex-wife. I’d rather be alone for the rest of my life than make the mistake of marrying the wrong person. And maybe that’s my problem. It’s a definite fear I have… maybe it’s irrational, maybe it’s legitimate. Maybe I take the idea of marriage more seriously than a lot of other people including my dad. My best friend just got divorced and it was terrible. She’s now a single mom with two little kids. I don’t want my kids to have to “visit” Daddy. I want to come home and see the guy I love more than anything asleep on the sofa with our kids on his chest, and cartoons still playing on the t.v.

Maybe the fantasies I have in my head aren’t even possible. Maybe people just settle for someone because it’s time to get married in their own minds, and just choose to never look at what might have been otherwise. Maybe people really and truly are happy and don’t feel like they’ve settled at all. Maybe people go into marriages half-assed, because the know if it doesn’t work out, they can always get a divorce. Maybe I’m scared of getting married, and finding out it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.

So far, I’ve been pretty happy on my own. I’ve lived the life I wanted to live and made the choices I’ve wanted to make without anyone else interfering. I’ve been responsible for only me. I think there’s a lot to be said for finding that one person and deciding you want to travel through life together– take on the good and the bad hand-in-hand, and not give up when the going gets tough. I’m glad other people are finding that. Someday… if and when I get married, I hope they’ll be happy for me too.

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