It Sucks When You Don’t Like Yourself

Posted on June 7th, 2007 by Christine.
Categories: True Story.

So I decided recently that I don’t really like myself anymore. I don’t know what exactly caused me to step back and make that decision, but I’m pretty sure I’d been thinking about it for a long time. I just feel that I’m not really a nice person. And I used to be a nice person– at one time I was super nice. I was always thinking about nice things I could do for people and then did them.

For example, a couple years ago, I was in line at a supermarket and there was a woman in her 50s in front of me. In front of her, was a college aged guy. The clerk rang up the college guy’s groceries (about $60 worth of stuff) and when he went to pay, for whatever reason, his ATM debit card wasn’t going through. He didn’t have any credit cards and he wasn’t carrying cash. He tried several times to get the machine to accept his card and the clerk kept saying, “Denied… denied…” He was becoming increasingly flustered as he held up the growing check out line and the woman in front of me made no effort to hide her impatience, sighing as loud as she could, etc. Finally, the guy just stood there, helpless. Now I’d passed him earlier as I was shopping and I’d heard him talking on the cell phone as he stood in the aisle where you can buy boxed cake mixes, talking to his mom or grandma or someone, trying to figure out if he needed to buy vegetable oil to make a certain boxed cake work. I remembered thinking it was sort of cute in an naive way, and it reminded me of the numerous times I’d called home in college to ask silly questions like that.

So the guy was just standing there, his ATM card in his hand, a helpless look on his face, his groceries bagged up and in the cart. The clerks said, “Why don’t you go to an ATM at a bank down the street, get cash, and come back?” At this point, the guy was so embarrassed, he just nodded. Now here’s the part that really sucks…

As I was standing there– in that moment– it occurred to me that I should offer to pay for his groceries and then just give him my business card and tell him to send me a check later. Sixty bucks. If he never sent me the check, I’d survive. And my gut told me he would. The idea to do this actually germinated at the right time (they often come to you after it’s too late), but did I do that? No. I didn’t do shit. I just stood there feeling bad for the kid and watched him walk out of the store, so embarrassed I doubt he ever went back to get his groceries later. Now, I don’t know anything about that kid personally. He could be a horrible person and karma was taking its toll. He could be a rapist, a murderer, a terrorist for all I know. But it doesn’t really matter. I had the opportunity to do something really cool for someone, something that would have improved their day greatly, and I fucking blew it.

That, I think, was the beginning of my downward spiral. I’ve regretted not doing that for over a year now– it’s not like I think about it constantly, but on occasion I kick myself and say why didn’t I pay for that guy’s groceries? Seriously. Don’t laugh. I know it sounds retarded but it bothered me a lot because it was the first time I felt like I consciously chose to not help someone I could have helped.

Since then, things have gotten worse. I don’t know if it’s just that I’m so busy, or so stressed, or so preoccupied with the million things I have to think about on a daily basis, but I don’t take time to be nice anymore. Instead, I find myself calling people names in my head, calling them stupid when they make a mistake, being impatient when they take too long to do something.

Two nights ago, I went into Subway and was standing in line to order when a little boy about 4 years old sitting at a corner table started throwing up. Just vomiting over and over. Loud. There weren’t many people in there, but they all looked at him and his poor mother who was trying to catch the vomit in the sandwich wrapper as it spewed all over the floor. The woman in line in front of me interrupted “Arturo” who was making a sandwich and said, “Could you give me a stack of napkins please?” He did and she ran over and handed them to the mother. As I watched the woman thank her and the lady came back to get in line in front of me, I thought why didn’t I do that? The truth is… I didn’t even think to do it because I was so wrapped up in what I was going to get, I was the only one in the restaurant (besides Arturo) who didn’t have a clue the kid was throwing up until the lady asked for napkins and it registered what that terrible puking noise was.

Sigh.

So. I’m making some changes. I’ve decided that until I can inherently become a nice person again, I’m going to go out of my way to do one nice thing every day. Yesterday, I held the door for a lady even though she was taking her time getting up to the entrance. And that was okay. As I’d normally be annoyed by someone making me wait while I hold the door, this woman really didn’t expect me to hold the door for her. When she realized I was, she said thanks in a sort of pleasantly surprised way.

Today, at the gym, I saw a woman who’d been coming to my gym for a while and who’s lost quite a bit of weight. She was on the crosstrainer next to mine, so when I finished, I stopped in front of hers and told her that she’d lost a lot of weight and looked good. From the way she said thank you, I think the compliment really made her feel encouraged to keep going.

I told Christopher I’m doing this and he kind of shook his head and told me he thinks I already am a nice person (thanks, babe), but the important thing is that I have to think so. And I think getting back to a point where I really like myself again will make me much happier, more positive, and more likeable.

So that’s that. We’ll see how it goes.

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