By now I’m sure you’re familiar with the age-old adage, “Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten.” When I heard this the other day, it made me think: can the statement really be true? (Those who know me.. realize how often I ask that question about pretty much anything). Although the idiom implies a causal link, let’s take it at face value and assume that it is merely observing a correlation between the kitten mortality rate and the masturbation rate. Does such a correlation exist?
Approximately 70,000 dogs and cats are born in the U.S. each day, or 25,567,500 each year. Of these, roughly 54%, or 13,806,450, are cats. Since 34.5% of cats don’t live to see their first birthday, we can assume that about 4,763,225 kittens die each year in the United States alone. We’ll take for granted that God in His divine Wisdom purposely smote each of these kittens.
Let’s assume that the idiom is talking only about male masturbation. Let’s further assume, highly conservatively, that males do not start masturbating until they reach age 15. Of the total U.S. male population, 107,199,356 would then be masturbation-age males. Again, let’s conservatively estimate that teenagers masturbate no more frequently than adults, and that all men masturbate an average of 20 times each month or 240 times per year. This means that each man in the United States masturbates approximately every 1.5 days. It also means that there are approximately 25,727,845,440 male masturbation sessions in the United States each year.
There are nearly 26 billion male masturbation sessions in the U.S., yet there are fewer than five million kitten deaths annually. Far from a one-to-one correlation, there are 5401.5 masturbation sessions for every single kitten death. This means that the average American man can masturbate regularly for 22.5 years before he is responsible for the death of a single kitten. Indeed, with a life expectancy of less than 75 years, the average man will be responsible for only two or three kitten deaths in a lifetime of vigorous masturbation.
You forget, that god “exists” (purportedly) in other countries too. And many in the middle east (or rather islamic nations) consider it a sin to masturbate and hence they balance out those who do frequently
Ps. I’m back. Mostly
(@) says… “Stop yankin’ the one-eyed trouser snake. MEOW!”
Welcome back, AJ.
Christine.. it applies to women also..
Welcome back AJ and Congrats on being a new.. Uncle…? I think that is what Haas said…atho.. I’ll admit.. I really don’t remember… hopefully your not a new father.
Um, I’ve NEVER heard this expression before in my entire life! Do you make this shit up??
(@)
OR, perhaps it is a regional or generational (although you said “age-old adage”) thing? Here in the heartland, we just refer to cats as Coyote bait…
Christopher remarked:
“Christine.. it applies to women also.. “
Yes, Christine, you should “Stop yankin’ the one-eyed trouser snake.”
That will serve him right!
(&)
I’d never heard that god-awful expression either until Christopher told me about it… but sure enough, it appears to be somewhat common. I can only guess where it started… maybe in the bowels of some Catholic boarding school… but then again… if it’s designed to keep boys from masturbating, they probably should have come up with something better than the worry that a kitten will die. I mean after all… we all know women love cats… and men just pretend to love cats when women are around, and then when the women aren’t around they kick cats.
By “they kick cats” do are you referring to some hardcore sexual feat?
sorry — omit the “do” — changed sentences midstream and, well, I don’t proof read my crap anymore! (*)
No. I meant they physically kick four-legged felines. When I was a lifeguard, I used to work with a guy named Daniel who wasn’t a particularly funny guy or anything, but this made me laugh. We were talking about cats one day and he told me he hated them. I said “How can you hate a cat?” He said, “I just do… I just HATE everything about them… their tiny little mouths are just so fuckin’ freaky.”
For some reason, that sentence stuck with me because I can understand people complaining that cats smell, or shed, or are moody, or scratch up furniture… but I’ve never heard anyone else have issues with mouth-size on cats… wait a sec. I wonder what Daniel was trying to do with the cats that made mouth size relevant… ???
Like I said… hardcore sexual feat
(@) said “what??”
I just kill the kittens and let God sort them out…
Thanks guys
Yeah Chris, I became an uncle. No, no children of mine, atleast none that I know of
I also joined a new job so I’ve been fairly busy. That’s why I’ve been very quiet with no comments in the past few weeks.
You should’ve kept your old job.
(d) I’ve NEVER heard this, and I think you made the saying up, but I still love the logic behind your calculations. I’m adding you guys to my blogroll (g) ’cause I just have to share this site with my readers. (Better get ready, Chris, because most of them are women, all of them are opinionated, and they’re likely to gang up on you!)
Great format you have here. I’m envious!
Viv,
Lucky for me they are women… because it usually takes about 12 to = one me.
J/K seriously tho.. more women are always welcome… I hate sausage feasts.
Whatever… Christopher loves having the “bros” back up anything he says no matter how asanine it is… he tries to make the women that come to CVC cry so that my opinions never have any support… He’s all about divide and conquer.
Reading the post all I could think was… God must be a Dog person
Ha!
Of course God is a dog person.. since men don’t like cats and God is obviously not a woman..
God MADE cats and he gave them all kinds of super-cool features that dogs don’t have.
Like… pretension, sneakiness, black hearts, no conscience..
actually haas i believe chris is a bird person, see his ultimate hunting photo’s he has posted on one of the older posts, he’s a real bige game hunter!
The only good kittens… Are dead kittens…
I will be siding on Christopher of this one Christine… Even though I have petted quiet a few cats (@) , the dogs are clearly my favourite (l)
God MADE cats and he gave them all kinds of super-cool features that dogs don’t have.
Aside from purring — which I believe is a defect — name one? Are you referring to male cats’ ability to spray the furniture? Exceedingly sharp claws which shred most furniture, or their ability to make my eyes swell shut from their allergen-rich dander?
(@) = (n)
(&) = (y)
Okay, okay…. you all have inspired a new post from me. Stay tuned!
Staying…
Wow! And he did it almost 2 years ago!
Now, Christopher, didn’t your teachers have the talk about plagiarism with you while you were in school, hmmm?
Quite frankly, I doubt the Reverend’s post — he cites the comment coming from a Doctor… not!
What, no link?