Male Dominance = Male Insecurity?

Posted on December 10th, 2005 by Christine.
Categories: Sex and Relationships.

So the other day, Christopher was over and we were watching t.v. and I playfully kicked him back to his side of the couch because he was doing what he usually does and taking his half out of the middle. He kicked back… we play fought for a second until I, in my best Jackie Gleason imitation, shook my fist at him and warned that I didn?t want to have to kick his ass… wink-wink. But then (and this is always what happens)… Christopher, even though we?re playing and having fun, decides to grab me by the wrists, flip me over, and pin my arm behind my back in some bizarre wrestling move that fucking hurts like a motherfucker. Here?s what always follows…Christine: Jesus Fuck, Christopher. Why do you have to be so rough? We were having fun.

Usually that?s followed by Christopher assuring me that he?s not rough, I?m just a pussy… an attribute, btw, I?ve never had a problem admitting to… yes, I am a girl? a girly one at that, one that bruises easily, doesn?t like being pinched, poked, pinned, or have the back of my ankle squeezed? call me a pussy if you must. Pussy, pussy, pussy… that?s me.

Picture this… Christopher and I play, I end up in some painful, contorted position because he has me pinned by my hair or has his knee in my kidney with Christopher saying, ?What?s it like to be such a weak little pussy… huh? I bet that sucks…?

He says it like it?s an insult… never considering that I (as a woman) don?t have the overwhelming natural desire to be ?feared.? Or be able to body-slam someone else into submission. Or be ashamed of any of it.

So the other day this happens… but instead of calling me a weakling or a pussy, he tells me it?s because I challenged his dominance.

HUH?

Christine: Challenged your dominance??!

Now, let me fill you in… Christopher is fairly cut, pretty strong and outweighs me by 30 pounds… in addition, he likes to be in control ALL THE TIME… which is fine by me… but it would never in a million years cross my mind that maybe I?m more ?dominant? than Christopher… I?d have to have a brain tumor to even consider that, and quite frankly, I?m perfectly content letting the Alpha Male be just that.

Christine: I would never challenge your dominance.
Christopher: You do all the time. Like 10 times a day.
Christine: Well let me assure you… I am fully aware that you?re the dominant one and now that you know that, you don?t have to beat me to a pulp or get so hardcore every time we play.
Christopher: You like to be reminded that I?m dominant… that?s why you challenge it.

At this point, I realize we?re on totally different pages here… actually, we?re not even reading the same book.

My thinking goes more like this… playing physical is kind of fun… something I never did growing up with my sister… and it?s kind of flirty and silly. I do it because I like to laugh and enjoy it, not because I want to be thrown to the ground and beaten like Rodney King. Now… at first I thought it was an insecurity thing with Christopher… that guys who are truly secure with their dominance, don?t need to prove it… to anyone. Guys who know that the girl they?re with wouldn?t possibly ever ?challenge? their dominance because it?s just too ludicrous to consider, are actually aware that they could hurt someone considerably smaller, female, and who wasn?t an all-state wrestler in high school. Those guys just play along and let the girl win… knowing that even if she wins, she?s going to know he let her win. Despite what Christopher thinks, we?re not stupid…

So I kept thinking Christopher must be insecure about his physicality… but then I realized that can?t be. Christopher?s not the biggest guy in the world, but he?d stand up to pretty much anyone despite how big and scary the guy is without ever considering he might actually get his ass kicked. He can?t be too insecure. So where?s the disconnect?

Other guys think: Haha… isn?t that cute? She wants to play fight… Okay, I?ll play along… let?s see what you?re made of, baby.
Christopher thinks: She must know by now that I could kick her ass… is she dense or what? Every time she does this, she ends up getting hurt… doesn?t she learn? I?ll show her again I guess…

I?m still trying to figure this out. I haven?t been able to understand why Christopher?s approach is so different than other guys and what the truth is to this whole male dominance thing… but if I don?t figure it out soon, I?m going to end up with broken fingers, chunks of missing hair, and another rug burn.

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