Pick up a Slave or Two

Posted on March 31st, 2007 by Christopher.
Categories: Hilarious.

American culture as we know it is in the middle of an economic and social crisis. There is a war in Iraq, the jails are full of Negroes, the streets are brimming with homeless people, liberals are legally allowed to exist and most other countries despise us. However, most (if not all) of these issues could be put to rest with some simple policy changes.

Currently there are approximately 2.5 million homeless people clogging up our gutters, 3.5 million ex-cons about to be paroled from prison, 5 million fat stay at home mom’s, 12 million illegal immigrants, and a whooping 70 million children who all have one very important thing in common. They all need a steady job.

Well I’m not suggesting we can empoloyee all of these people, however I am suggesting something even better. Slavery.

Every American family can benefit from slave ownership. Your new slave can clean your house, cook your meals, oral sex on demand, program your IPOD and deal with your significant other when things aren’t going so well . I’ve heard that they are also good at picking cotton, tending to the animals and coming to the rescue when your car breaks down on a busy corner. If you have a shed with a dirt floor and edible scraps of food to spare, then the possibilities are endless. Slave ownership should be considered the new American dream. I know I would snag a couple.

The best part is that you give the homeless a chance to feel valued while simultaneously stimulating their natural work ethic. According to recent scientific studies, the homeless are some of the hardest working people in history. And nine out of ten homeless people agree that they’d feel “accomplished, happy, successful and respect” if only someone would only give them a job, well we can give them a job.. just not one that pays any money.. but they can have room and board. There is growing evidence that slavery can cure a vast variety of mental aliments.

Slavery would cut down on the amount of people in prison, too. Did you know that slavery cures pedophilia? The crime rate would reduce and homelessness would nearly disappear if slavery was reintroduced back into American culture, think about it. I could easily feed a few slaves.. for the amount I spend on my Mexican maids and I’m sure they would do a great job cleaning up after me and as long as your providing room and board they really can’t steal anything, where are they going to take it?

Slavery would also vastly improve the economy. There would be no need to ship jobs overseas if we had perfectly good slaves to do the grunt work here. And we’d get a lot more done, too. Slaves excel in working long hours, 7 days a week, with nothing but a bag of beef jerky and skunked beer to sustain them. Just think of all the things we could proudly stamp “Made in America!” I feel inspired and proud already.
Now I guess the real question becomes, who would make the best slave?

Here’s my take:

Black People
These long limbed, well muscled people are natural work horses and are naturally acclimated to field work. If you are a farmer or a factory owner you’d be doing your business a favor by owning as many of these as you can get your hands on. They can toil in the fields during high noon and you won’t ever have to worry about providing them with sunscreen. Furthermore, they rarely need to bathe considering that their skin tone hides most dirt and debris. They don’t do so well in the water or with jobs where there might be something valuable to steal.

Hispanics
Best suited as housekeepers and general handymen, Hispanics rarely ever “miss a spot.” The downside is that they tend to eat a lot and demand Tabasco with every meal. The upside is that they cook a lot, so taco’s for everyone! There other big weakness is that they tend to be slow starters and take a lot of breaks.

Women
Built in babysitters! They are most skilled at instilling a false sense of entitlement into small children at a young age. If you desire a son who will grow up a real bastard to take over the family business, buy a couple of women to raise him. The black girls tend to have exceptional DSL’s however their skills can be marginal. The asian women end to be extra submissive, they tend to deeply enjoy slavery, however they are not very good at any of the important skills besides laundry.

Children
The poor man’s slave. Children can do anything blacks and Hispanics can do, just not as well and not for as long. If you’re just starting out in slave ownership, buy a couple of these. The upside is that they can fit into a lot of tight spaces. And if you get them young enough, you can train them to be mini assassins. Your enemies will never suspect a 9 year old with a vial of poison and a scythe strapped to his thigh.

Homework complete, you are now prepared to go pick out and purchase some slaves of your very own. But whether you just want a slave to help around the house, or a team of slaves to run your business, please adhere to all forms of slave ownership etiquette.

• Never beat them in public to avoid blood splattering on any white people.
• Never educate your slaves; it’s insulting to the children of non slaves if your slave is smarter than they are.
• Breeding your own slaves can save a significant amount of money over the long term.
• And never rape your slave on Sundays. God wouldn’t like it. Amen.

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