Okay… so for those of you who have read Chrisvschris since its inception almost 2 years ago… you know we sometimes bring our relationship issues to the masses to get their opinion on who’s right and who’s wrong and sometimes we even get advice on how to solve some of this stuff. Granted, there are issues in every relationship, some bigger hurdles than others, but for us… at least for me… this one seems to be coming back over and over again, and I’d like to find a way to put it to rest forever– especially since Christopher and I have gotten a bit more serious in the relationship.
Here’s the problem: Christopher and I live (we maintain separate residences) in Southern California. I love living here, and Christopher hates it. He feels that in order to have me in his life, he has to stay in a place where he hates living, and he is upset that I have told him that I won’t ever move away from here, so he therefore feels that I put living in L.A. above his happiness. Okay… that’s it in a nutshell.
Now… his assessment isn’t totally off. But there are a few things I’d like to point out…
1. Christopher moved here with his ex-wife (wife at the time), and decided on his own after they split up, to stay in L.A. and search for a new relationship, so he was fully aware that he would could potentially meet and fall in love with someone who was based in Los Angeles.
To expound on that… I moved here from Nebraska fifteen years ago. Knowing that I had no intention of staying in Nebraska, I never dated anyone seriously there because I didn’t want to get tied to someone that I would eventually leave, or have to talk them into going with me. I feel like you should only start looking for a relationship when you are ready to be in a relationship and if you are questioning whether or not you want to live in a city, you are not ready to start looking for someone.
2. I meet Christopher when I was 30. I can understand meeting someone and falling in love when you are in your early 20s, just out of college, and the two of you have met at a time where you can plan your lives together. But that didn’t happen for me. And I didn’t sit around for ten years waiting to find a guy so we could plan our lives. I went ahead and made decisions about my own life, establishing myself and my career, hoping that someday I might find a great guy I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. So because my life is established here, as well as my career, and I have moved around enough in L.A. to find a neighborhood I really like to come home to, I am happy with that aspect of my life. I don’t feel it’s fair for anyone to tell me that I should be willing to give that up for them if I really love them. I think if people are married for ten years and then say, one of their parents falls sick and they decide to move to another state to be closer to them or something, then that’s one thing. But I firmly believe it’s unfair to begin a relationship with someone knowing they are happy in the city where they live, and then tell them later that as proof of how important you are to them, they should be willing to leave where they are happy.
3. My theory about relationships in general doesn’t support Christopher’s desire for me to be willing to move just for him. I believe– and I could be wrong, but we all have theories on what makes up a good relationship– that two people who want to have a successful relationship– need to have certain things in common. Not a whole lot of things– but some basic, big things. For example, they should have the same view on whether or not they want children– or they should agree that they’ll be flexible and make that decision down the road. If a guy who wants four kids falls in love with a woman who doesn’t want children at all, one or the other will ultimately not be happy. So it makes sense you find someone like you in that way to begin with. They should have the same general perspective on finances and work, and they should want to live in the same place. Many times, one person is indifferent while the other one has strong feelings about something, and that works too. The indifferent one doesn’t feel like he or she is sacrificing something very important for the other one… and there will probably be things he/she feels strongly about that the other one feels indifferent toward. But I don’t think it makes sense to go into a relationship knowing that one of these big things that one person feels strongly about is something that you will try to convince them to change later. I simply don’t think that’s fair and it will never work out well. Even if you can convince the other, they will probably resent you for it in the long run. And if you don’t convince the other, then you will feel like they are unwilling to compromise in the relationship and you are forced to be the one who always bends.
So… that’s this month’s dilemma.
I want Christopher to be happy, and if he truly isn’t living in L.A., then I’d rather have him go find a place where he’s happy than stay here with me. And I don’t agree with him that if I really loved him more than anything else, I’d be willing to give up everything I have here and move with him to another part of the country. I do very much love him. And at the same time, I know I wouldn’t be happy giving up being an Angelino for him. I think people need to find satisfaction in several different areas of their lives and to be truly happy, all areas need to have a balance of happiness. I wouldn’t appreciate a man that I loved telling me to give up my career that makes me happy– and I think if he did want me to give up something I love, I might question how important my happiness is to him.
This is a tough one for me.
I’ve always understood many of her reasons in the above explanations, her job is here, her choice is already made and she really doesn’t have any choice in the matter so she is making the best of it. When people’s jobs are located in a specific place and there family also happens to be in that same place those are great motivations, not to mention she likes the weather which I have found out is extremely important to Christine.
My only point to Christine is that I do not ever see this as home, it just doesn’t feel right it lacks all the important elements in a place that I would likely choose to settle in and when I pull out a piece of paper and mark off the positives and negatives, I’m usually left with a very lopsided piece of paper that tilts in the direction negative. There are things that living in LA absolutely rules out for me, like having kids and I also feel I live a much less fulfilling life since I moved to Los Angeles, mostly because of the massive amounts of money and time it takes to even to the simple pleasures of life. ( Seroiusly a grand goes quick in LA strip clubs )
All this being said no place is perfect and I realize there are many places I would like less, but it is important to realize that my job doesn’t necessary keep me where I’m at, and my family does not live here either, and I actually really miss seasons.
These types of things work themselves out, and I don’t spend a lot of time thinking about it, I certainly don’t wake up feeling angry at Christine becuase I have to deal with Los Angeles on a daily basis.. nor do I blame her for me still being here, that is my choice and she is after all just a girl.
Since that is how he truly feels… I am looking forward to never hearing again the words, “If I were relevant to you at all, you’d put having me above living in L.A.,” and “There’s no way you’re actually happy living in L.A., that’s just ludicrous,” and “God, I hate this city.”
I believe that things are what you make of them… and your perspective on something is more real to you than how things really are. Whenever I’m stuck in L.A. traffic, I sit in my cruddy little car and look at the rows of palm trees and blue sky and clouds and think about how lucky I am in my life to have accomplished so much and have great friends and be blessed with all the things God gave me.
But I disagree with him that these types of things “work themselves out.” He hates talking about our relationship and does everything in his power to avoid a conversation that might lead to a realization on either of our parts that we may not be compatible in the long-term. Despite what he wants you to believe, this has come up time and again, so I guess we’re still waiting for it to work itself out. In the meantime, it puts a lot of stress on me, and makes me hesitate when I think about moving forward in a relationship with him.
If living here is something that precludes him from having kids, then that’s something we should talk about, because I want to have one someday, and I’m willing to work harder to pay for private schools and all the things you need to do here for your kids that you don’t have to do in other places. But again, if that’s not something he wants… it’s only fair to tell me now, so that I can try to seek out someone who wants the same things I do in life.
Oh Christine, it’s just pay back for all the insane shit u throw at me when I’m not ready.
I doubt I’ll ever bring it up again, there isn’t much more to be said your obviously very happy and I’m obviously very indifferent at this time otherwise I wouldn’t be here now would I?
“Whenever I?m stuck in L.A. traffic, I sit in my cruddy little car and look at the rows of palm trees and blue sky and clouds and think about how lucky I am in my life to have accomplished so much and have great friends and be blessed with all the things God gave me.”
BULLSHIT. You say…..FUCK! GET OUT OF THE WAAAAAAAY!
And I’m sure if I did that, everyone would just pull their cars over to the shoulder so I could pass. Brilliant idea… I’ll try that next time.
Depends.. on if you use that special super annoying Howard Dean Screech Voice.. then they might.. I know I would…. ( BTW she does scream GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY YOU FUCKING IDIOTS ) .. because I’m usually on the phone with her when she is sitting in her 2 hour commute home from a 30 minute meeting.