Stuff I’m Sick Of.

Posted on June 1st, 2006 by Christine.
Categories: Hilarious, Pissed Off & Proud of It.

I’ve decided to create an ongoing list of stuff that pisses me off, and am creating a rule that once I post it on this blog, I don’t have to be so irate over it anymore. Feel free to add to my list. It’s better to put it here than to let it linger in the back of your mind and make you hate humanity… (That may have sounded a bit more angry than it really needed to be )

1. Keanu Reeves. I’m sick of him. He can’t act. His sex appeal wore off around the time of the second Matrix. And he’s a menace to motorists and pedestrians when he speeds through the Hollywood Hills on his motorcycle all strung out on coke. If someone can promise me that this ridiculous Lake House movie with Sandra Bullock where they fall in love but don’t even live in the same time continuum will be his last film, my faith that good overpowers evil will be restored.

2. Fat chicks who take their sweet ass time pulling out of their parking spaces because– even though they see you idling behind them waiting for their spot– they need to shift their oversized asses in their bucket seats, stretch that seatbelt out until it finally slips into the buckle, roll down their window, adjust their radio station, and dial their cell phones before they can back the fuck out. This is especially annoying in the parking lot of Subway when you’re really hungry and have had a really long day and have still managed to retain enough will power to stop at a place where you can order a sandwich that only has 6 grams of fat and a bag of baked Lays that only has 3 grams of fat instead of going through one of the fifteen McDonalds drive-thrus you passed on your way home when you know that fat bitch doesn’t really care how many calories she’s consuming tonight and could have just as easily chosen to waste someone else’s time in the parking lot of Jack in the Box.

3. Customer Service Reps who answer the phone by saying a greeting, their company’s name, their own name, and then asking if you’ll hold, but just putting you on hold before you can say “yes.” It’s very presumptious on their part to assume I can hold… it completely negates the social nicety of asking if you can hold as opposed to just telling you to hold, and I don’t like them.

4. Guys who pull up next to you in your car– usually driving beat up pick ups with a bunch of ladders and gardening tools strapped into the bed with something as secure as a fraying bungee rope knotted in all the places it’s already broke– and try to flirt with you even though you wish they’d either speed up or fall back– anything except pace you– because you need to get into their damn lane so you can turn at the next light.

5. Jack ass waiters who write down your order on their little pad as you tell them you want your salad dressing on the side, and then come out and put your salad down in front of you smothered in salad dressing like they just accomplished something as difficult as winning the Gold medal in the Olympics, and then when you tactfully bring up that you wanted it without dressing, they take it back to the kitchen with attitude and hide inside their little bus station to double-check their little pad to make sure you weren’t lying… or just trying to fuck with them and get them to waste food.

6. Calling the automated system at my bank and having to dial in my account number and pin number, just to get a banking agent who asks me for my account number and pin number again anyway. Why? WHY? I’m sick of that.

7. Celebrities who say they’re not pregnant when they really are. Do they not realize that everyone is going to find out eventually? I don’t care if you go give birth in some fucked up little African country. It’s not far enough away. You might realize that if you got your head out of the clouds long enough to give the urge to name your child “new messiah” or “apple” a little more thought. As if these children aren’t already going to be fucked up simply by having someone as out of touch with reality as you for a parent… Maybe you’re embarrassed because that little quickie in the trailer with Colin Ferrell isn’t such a secret anymore. Don’t worry about it. Most of us would have done the same thing. Just be honest. The majority of us don’t give a shit if you’re preggers or not, and you’ll be a lot less destroyed in the media if you say you’re expecting Brad Pitt’s baby rather than having put on a few pounds due to your affection for Twinkies. And this goes for every one of you except Britney Spears. You and Fetterline need to just stop. Stop altogether until you master the basics of being parents instead of acting like a couple of trailer-trash Catholic teens who feed their infants fast food french fries as they balance a bottle of Schlitz in one hand and a cigarette in the other. Can’t you afford a nanny– maybe one that doesn’t even speak English– but could figure out the nuances of strapping a child into a baby seat??? Didn’t your tour pay enough to afford you the $20 a day for Mexican woman with six kids of her own??? Just stop. No more.

8. Ads in women’s magazines. Jesus. I was in the store yesterday and as I waited in line, I happened to pick up a Cosmo to see if there was anything interesting. The magazine, like its competitors for the most part, is 90% advertisements. Even pages designed to look like real articles are advertisements. Not only are we bombarded every where we go with fucking ads, and billboards, and commercials, and pop-ups, and pay-per-click links, and junk mail enticing us to buy shit, they want us to pay $4.99 for a magazine that has 10 pages of content and 100 pages of ads. Why in hell would I do that??? But to break out of my angry woman role for a moment, I have to say there are two magazines I’m fully impressed with right now. For women, I think Women’s Health rocks. It’s full of real, practical, researched tips on fitness, diet, sex, relationships, career advancement, etc. And for men, I have to say, I’ve been pleasantly surprised with Askmen.com– an online mag that actually gets this shit right when they try to tell men what women want. So check them both out… because whether you’re a boy or girl, you’ll find interesting stuff in both. Okay… now back in character. Angry Christine…

9. People with Nextels. If you have a nextel, then you and all your kind should go fuck yourselves. Why can’t you get a regular cell phone? You know, the kind that you hold to your ear– instead of eight inches away– and can have a private conversation with someone so the rest of us don’t have to listen to you and your babymomma have it out in static hell. We don’t care. Your conversaton isn’t important to us. As a matter of fact, you aren’t important to us. Your nextel is about as cool as CB radio operated by a toothless, tattoed trucker who gets his jollies frequenting fat truck stop whores and eating the blue plate fried chicken special.

10. Drivers who think they need six car lengths between them and the car in front of them when sitting at a red light in a turn lane. Inevitably, these assholes are so lost in their own little worlds that they don’t realize that the 60-foot turn lane should really accomodate six cars comfortably so that no one is stuck in the intersection creating gridlock. There’s no reason not to pull up so that more people can make it through the light behind you. No one is going to carjack you. The car in front of you isn’t going to spontaneously combust (unless of course it’s a Pinto, and then you have my support at keeping your distances). Move the fuck up! Your car isn’t in motion– it’s not in danger of slamming into the car in front of you. You don’t need an air-bubble cushion of space to protect you from the car in front of you suddenly reversing at full speed into your hood. And if that happened, you’d be fucked anyway.

Whew. Okay… I feel better for now.

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