1. I laugh at all jokes, even ones that are sexist or simply not funny, just to make your friends feel good about themselves.
2. I look pretty in expensive clothes and don’t mind if other women hate me for bragging about how much money you make.
3. I don’t eat much which keeps the grocery bill down and prefer eating out anyway.
4. I have experience and expertise in hiring maids, nannies, and gardeners.
5. I don’t mind using your credit card to have the car detailed a few times a month so people don’t think “you let your wife drive around town in a dirty car.”
6. I always shop at the same high-end boutiques, play tennis at the same country club, and get treatments at the same spa, so you’ll always know where you can find me in an emergency if I’ve forgotten to charge my cell phone.
7. I totally stay out of custody arguments you might be having with your ex-wife and the mother of your children by pretending they aren’t going on.
8. If I don’t understand something, I shake my head and pretend to understand it anyway.
9. I like letting the man make all the important decisions like how to support us, where to take us on vacation, and which contractor we should hire to build our addition.
10. I can use the skills I developed in the three months I spent doing online interior design school to continuously redecorate our house so it never seems “dated.”
11. I don’t complain that you spend a lot of time at work because I can entertain myself for hours by just flipping through Vogue.
12. I won’t mess up the order of the financial, business, sports, and World News section of your paper in the morning since I only read the funnies.
13. When we go to the grocery store, I won’t waste your time giving the cashier coupons I’ve clipped from the paper to save you money—I don’t do that.
14. I’ll make sure my skin always looks radiant for you by scheduling deluxe European facials twice a week and buying the most expensive skin care products on the market.
15. I don’t mind spending a little extra to have things delivered to me, so you don’t have to worry about me getting in any fender benders during the day while I’m running errands.
16. If we play chess, I’ll always let you win. The same goes for checkers, Scrabble, Yahtzee, Poker, Gin, Rummy, Connect Four, Candyland, Chutes and Ladders, Operation, Battleship, and Bingo.
17. I’ll never get you thrown out of a casino in Vegas because I don’t know how to count cards. Which also means you can always beat me at Blackjack.
18. I don’t understand why some wives complain about football. I actually like heated box seats.
19. I don’t need a big wedding to make me happy. I’m perfectly fine with just 300 of our closest friends enjoying an intimate little celebration on some private island somewhere. It doesn’t have to be overblown. After all, it’s about our love for each other, not the wedding.
20. Working at a job tends to make me tired and irritable. I never want you to have to deal with ‘crabby’ me, so I’ll never get a job.
21. A lot of guys that I’ve slept with have told me that I’m good in bed, so you can be sure I’ll rock your world.
22. I spend a lot of time at the mall, so if you ever need a new tie or something, I can pick it up for you no problem.
23. I didn’t go to college, so I won’t stick you with any student loan debt or complain that my pricey education didn’t pay off. I also won’t root against your favorite college teams.
24. I don’t follow the stock market so I won’t get all glum when your investments are down.
25. I believe marriage is a two-way street. Some women don’t realize what this means. It means that you need a car with fast acceleration so you don’t get into a wreck if you need to get into a different lane.