The Best Personal Ad Ever…

Posted on April 16th, 2007 by Christopher.
Categories: Hilarious.

143 Reasons That I Will Be The Best Girlfriend You’ve Ever Had

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1. I don’t like to snuggle everytime we bang.
2. Sex isn’t always love-making to me. Sometimes its just wild, sweaty monkey fucking. It’s cool.
3. I’m short so I will always be able to look up at you
4. I have gorgeous eyes
5. I enjoy being a girl (But not a valleygirl!)
6. Can be one of the boys
7. I don’t wear grannie panties!
8. I am curvalicious!
9. I go to the gym
10. I love dogs and cats, even lizards!
11. I have long hair
12. I won’t drag you shopping with me (that’s what girlfriends are for!)
13. I will scratch your back (in and out of the shower)
14. I will not move into your apartment the first chance I get.
15. Like you, I am scared of commitment
16. I won’t steal food out of your plate after ordering a salad.
17. I wont order a salad.
18. I’m genuine.
19. I have all my shots.
20. I’ve travelled.
21. I didn’t vote for Bush or Arnold Swaggawaggadingdong either.
22. I’m in.
23. I will hide around corners and try to scare you in the dark of the night.
24. I will end up scaring myself and you’ll have to calm me down.
25. I will sneak out of the bed and brush my teeth before you get up so we can have hygenic morning sex. (I might drop a mint into yours. don’t choke)
26. I collect keychains and currency.
27. I won’t nag you when you watch sports. (I’ll watch if soccer is on!)
28. I write the date with European notation (Today is 13 January, 2007)
29. I’m Indian (from the country) and I speak Spanish!
30. I like the color purple.
31. I will let you be the man in the relationship.
32. I get my toes done.
33. I work.
34. I school.
35. Did I mention that I like the color purple? I do.
36. I have excellent spelling and grammar. (ya, I goof sometimes!)
37. I watch Family Guy, Simpsons, American Dad.
38. I know something about cars.
39. I can’t drive automatic (You shouldn’t be able to either)
40. I give heart-felt (sometimes homemade)gifts.
41. I don’t hold grudges.
42. I will love your penis
43. I always smell good. (well almost)
44. I dance!
45. I keep-up my nails
46. I listen to pretty much everything.
47. I know that 4 stroke isn’t a dirty joke.
48. I know what makes the rocking world go round.
49. I’ll lay naked in bed with you.
50. My bed isn’t overstuffed with furry animals (except my cat, but he’s real)
51. I don’t ghost ride.
52. But I can get hyphy.
53. I’m artsy without being artsy.
54. I give supreme oral.
55. I have a car (6 speed mani trans anyone?)
56. It turns me on when you work on your car.
57. I’m not opposed to having a hump-session anytime anywhere.
58. I don’t want you to spoon me everynight
59. I like you to poke me in the butt in the morning
60. I will rate your burps. (1-10)
61. You can pee while I’m brushing my teeth.
62. I’ll put sunburn cream on you if you go crispy.
63. I make a bomb spicy chicken alfredo risotto.
64. I don’t mind taking out the garbage.
65. I let you open jars that “I can’t open”
66. I won’t ever cheat.
67. My first boyfriend used to hit me and then he cheated, so I’ve learned to stand up for myself.
68. I ‘m gracious.
69. I laugh like there’s no tomorrow.
70. I would sneak into your office and give you desk head.
71. I would fax you my ass.
72. I know what displacement means. (In reference to cars)
73. I can cook, clean, bake and I’ll drink a beer while doing it.
74. I will hold you when you need it.
75. I listen when you need to talk.
76. I will be your date to anything that you need. (even that monster car rally, you hick)
77. I will remember your birthday (and I’ll make it so that you will always remember it *wink wink*)
78. I don’t need fancy things to have a good time.
79. I don’t care what we are doing as long as its with you.
80. You will always look hot as hell to me first thing in the morning.
81. I’ll initiate sex.
82. I get free condoms from school.
83. I’m 22 with the mind of a 30 year old and a heart of a 10 year old.
84. I dont do drugs. I don’t smoke.
85. I won’t sleep with your best friend.
86. Your dog/cat can sleep with us at night.
87. I only need to see you 2-3 times a week.
88. I only need a 2-10 minute phone call everyday. (Make sure you’re okay. I worry!)
89. I make bomb brownies.
90. I have sexy lips.
91. I am a bio student and I know all about anatomy. (ie. I know where the good parts are)
92. I will hang out in your clothes to keep your smell close to me (it wont be your gym clothes though, sorry.)
93. I won’t put girlie things into your bathroom/shower/room
94. I’ll “accidently” leave my sexy underwear in your bed
95. I keep myself well dressed and groomed (for the most part)
96. I won’t burden you with my PMS problems.
97. I brush my teeth 2x a day
98. Shower atleast once!
99. I’ll never kick you in the crotch on purpose.
100. I won’t make fun of your manhood (In public)
101. I take exactly one hour from wake up to car to get ready.
102. I pee as fast as a hamster on crack (but into the toilet)
103. I can operate a fire extinguisher
104. I would rather see an epic movie than a chickflick (that’s what girlfriends and gays are for)
105. I treat you for ice cream or dinner too!
106. I love suprises.
107. Any present, big or small, will make me happy because I know that you were thinking about me.
108. I know when Pirate Day is.
109. I have all my teeth (minus wisdoms) and they are straight.
110. I pay my own bills.
111. I’m not looking for financial support
112. I don’t want to marry you right now.
113. I can’t get pregnant unless I want to. (sex all the time!)
114. I’ll let you hug me even when you are sweaty.
115. I won’t drag you to the manicurist.
116. I don’t eat pizza with a fork and knife.
117. I won’t go out all night without letting you know and let you freak out.
118. I’ll call when I say I will. (or text in lieu of calling if I’m still occupied)
119. I won’t text you while you are out with your friends.
120. Your wallet, car and house don’t impress me.
121. Treat me like a lady and I will treat you like a man and I will always be there for you.
122. I have a rack that I will shamelessly display for you.
123. I can pick things up with my toes.
124. I don’t hog blankets (well, sometimes)
125. I drink a lot of water.
126. I can burp a couple of letters.
127. I can gleak when I eat sour things. (and pretty far too)
128. I still have the Snoopy I was given the day I was born.
129. I can carry a conversation for long than 30 seconds.
130. I memorize weird facts and will regurge them at random oppurtunities.
131. I love ketchup.
132. I won’t go through your drawers or try to get into your cellphone/email.
133. I love showering and just laying in the sun (indoors!) to dry off.
134. I keep my car up to date on her oil changes.
135. Your laugh will make me smile years to come.
136. I will put post-its in random places for you to find when I’m not there.
137. I know what a barometer is.
138. I still have my Minnie Mouse Comforter from way back in the day, because they just don’t make them the same anymore.
139. I think quarters are the best coin. and 20’s are the best bill.
140. I read a lot.
141. You + Me + Dancing + Outdoors + Rain = Afternoon fun.
142. I don’t listen to a lot of pop either.
143. You have already invested by reading this, so take a leap.Caution before you leap: You must meet the criteria!

*Between the ages of 22-26 (please, if you are 26, 27 do not play the ‘I’m older than you, thus more experienced’ card. It’s not attractive and you don’t know what I’ve been through)

Overall, be nice, look like something more attractive than an ogre and try to not such a sleazy horndog! Thanx!

Please respond if you are still interested. Props for reading the whole thing! +15 bonus points for completing it.

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