Top 10 Careers for Your Dog

Top Ten Careers for a Dog

10. Sled Dog
This doesn’t seem like a very good career for a dog. You get tied to a bunch of other dogs and then have to pull a sled around in the snow. Plus, you have to put in a transfer to Alaska which could take… days. I’m not sure why any dog would find this occupation gratifying… although I don’t know why anyone would want to be a bus driver either.

9. Cadaver Dog
These dogs are trained to sniff out dead bodies at accident sites and crime scenes. Their work is very important to law enforcement officials, and that must make them feel significant and appreciated. I can’t imagine that a dead body smells very good though…
8. Guard Dog
This is the perfect career for dogs who’ve had somewhat of a troubled past… maybe a few felony convictions, spent some time at the pound… Guard dogs, much like security guards, are pretty much transient, untrained, and have deep-rooted issues from their past that make them completely untrustworthy… yet they’re charged with protecting people and property.

7. Herding Dog
This is a good job for your dog if he is a control freak. These dogs work long hours though… chasing cattle around and making sure that none of the oversized, lethargious creatures decide to bolt off on their skinny, frail legs. Thank God for that… if it weren’t for herding dogs, the price of beef would skyrocket.

6. Therapy Dog
These dogs lounge around in nursing homes and hospitals, cheering up the sick and elderly. While it seems like a cushy job, there is a lot of responsibility put on these animals. If they don’t make a person smile by licking his/her face, the person could potentially commit suicide, and that can scar a dog for life. The burnout rate for therapy dogs is very high. Especially in Florida.

5. Guide Dog
Guide dogs are trained as puppies to help blind and deaf people. They are literally responsible for the safety of these individuals, and only very few canine candidates are actually accepted into guide dog… dogdom. The perks are nice though… full health and pension, plus they’re allowed into restaurants, stores, and pretty much anywhere other dogs aren’t. I guess we’re willing to put up with the fur and fleas if it’s from a “guide” dog.

4. Police Dog
Trained to attack criminals, these animals protect and serve. They work 60 hour work weeks and never bitch about overtime. They are truly “the man’s” best friend.

3. Rescue Dog
These agile creatures jump into raging rivers, run into burning buildings, and do whatever necessary to save human lives. Are they courageous, or just stupid? Do they care about being heroes? Unlike people who will humiliate themselves just for 10 seconds of air time on the local news, rescue dogs usually refuse interviews and like to keep to themselves, so I guess we’ll never know…

2. Animal actor
Acting dogs work along side the biggest Hollywood names… Jack Nicholson, Jennifer Lopez, Big Bird… oh wait… JLo isn’t really a big name… Unfortunately for the dogs, they rarely get the accolades they deserve and are often overshadowed by their human ‘star’ counterparts. Auditions are tough… and the expense of revamping your headshots can be excruciating. Thousands of pugs, shih tzus, and dalmations migrate to Los Angeles from the Midwest every year, hoping to make it big… very few do. Most become canine prostitutes on the seedy, dark streets of the city, getting boned for bones…

1. Teaser Bitch
(I’m not making this up I swear). If you’re a particularly sexy looking dog… maybe you have a rounder rump, or longer legs, or exceptionally pleasant dog breath… you could be a teaser bitch. Similar to a ‘fluffer,’ these sexy little bitches get a male dog hot and bothered so his sperm can be collected (by using a rubber cone to jack off the dog– think that’s a top seller by Pfizer?) and saved by the owner until he/she wants to use it to artificially inseminate another dog to breed later. I guess this isn’t such a bad job… but I’m guessing that female dogs get paid 72 cents for every dollar a male dog gets paid…