Why Lady Bugs are my Arch Nemesis…

Posted on June 5th, 2005 by Christine.
Categories: True Story.

Some people are born lucky. I am not one of those people…

I think this post will prove that to anyone who might think otherwise. Every word of this is true. I am not embellishing this in anyway.

Something traumatic happened to me about two years ago. I thought I was over it, but I realized today that I’m not. Here’s what happened…

It was summer. I was at my mom’s house. She has a lot of pretty flowers and I had noticed a few days earlier that these plants had aphids. Aphids destroy plants and I didn’t want that to happen, so I went to the garden store with the intention of buying some sort of spray that would kill them. At the store, the garden guy suggested I buy a little plastic cup full of lady bugs and put them on the plants instead of spraying something that the cats might ingest. Good idea. So I bought the little lady bug biodome colony, went to my mom’s and put them on the plants. I have to admit that I watched with morbid curiosity as the lady bugs devoured the little green aphids… like people who crane their necks as they pass car wrecks, wondering if they’ll see something grotesque.

A few days later, I went to Mom’s and checked on the plants. No more aphids. I formally congratulated the lady bugs on their victory and then decided to lie down on my mom’s sofa and take a nap, not thinking anything of leaving the screen door open. The door is usually open to let the cats go in and out.

I woke up from my nap with the most God-awful pain in my left ear.

I bolted up, and stuck my finger in my ear as I shrieked like banshee. My mom came into the living room and asked what was wrong.

“Oh my god… there’s something in my ear…” I said as I heard a fluttering sound echo in my ear. It felt like it was coming from my throat. “Jesus Christ!”

My mother, God love her, said what she always said when I complained about something like this as a child… “There’s probably nothing in your ear.”

“No, Mom… there’s definitely something if my ear and fucking hurts!” Mom would know I was serious if I used the “f” word. I jumped up and shook my head like people do when they get out of a pool and have water in their ears. The buzzing/fluttering grew louder. Then I felt something moving down through the tubes in my ear, like a tiny ball of pain forcing open something that shouldn’t be open.

I slapped my hand aganst my neck near my jaw and pressed hard. The fluttering noise stopped abruptly. I felt a bump under my skin. Then it dawned on me…

“Oh God… there’s a bug in my ear!!!!”

Now, at this point, I didn’t realize it was a lady bug. For all I knew, it could have been a spider. I am deathly afraid of spiders. I prayed that I didn’t accidentally kill whatever it was in my Eustachian tube, impeding its ability to crawl out on its own. A bug is crawling inside me, I thought. Oh Jesus… my mind flashed to that movie with Claire Danes and her friend who get imprisoned in Singapore and a bug crawls in the girl’s ear and ruins her equilibrium forever. I start thinking about infections and emergency surgeries and hearing aids and stumbling around when I walk like I’m in a state of perpetual intoxication.

My mom says, “Well just lie down on that side and it will probably come out on its own.” It sometimes amazes me how a non-bug fearing woman like my mother could’ve somehow produced a daughter like me.

So I forced myself to move my hand and lie down. I could hear the fluttering start again. It wasn’t quite as rhythmic anymore. Thank God… it’s still alive. I began to try to communicate with it telepathically, repeating the mantra in my head… Come out of my ear… come out of my ear… you’re not happy in there… you don’t belong in there… you don’t belong in there…

Now, I don’t know how many people experience having bugs creep into orifices during their lifetimes, particular in the ear, but it’s really, really, really painful.

I stayed calm. My mom brought me some Q-Tips.

“I can’t use Q-Tips, Mom… I might poke him back down.” I don’t know what she was thinking… her first idea was better.

Now, for those of you who don’t know me, let me explain that I, at times, have a tendency to bring drama. Especially when an insect comes close enough to make contact. As I put my head down on the pillow, I worried that the bug might never come out. If a bug is that stupid to want to crawl into someone’s ear to begin with, it’s very likely it won’t be smart enough to crawl out. That particular bug simply doesn’t have the forethought to rectify this situation. Damn! How does this stuff happen to me???

So, to make a long story not quite so long… I forced myself to remain calm and listen to the fluttering sound until I couldn’t hear it anymore. Have I gotten so use to the pain and echo that I no longer am aware of it? I thought.

I sat up. Looked down. Sure enough, there was a lady bug on my pillow.

The little ear-cave expedition had taken its toll on him. He limped around in a circle on my pillow, it’s one wing jutting unnaturally from it’s little red back. I hate you, lady bug… I thought with all the anger and hostility that had been building to the sound of a crescendoing buzz. I hope you die…

I took the pillow outside and flicked him into eternity before closing the screen door. Sorry, cats. You’re not going outside today. At least not until all the lady bugs fly away looking for aphids on other peoples’ plants. The cats were supportive.

Today, I went outside and saw a lady bug on my porch. I realized that I’m not over this experience yet. I may be scarred for life. When the bugs that everyone teaches you are the good bugs– the ally bugs– turn against you, who can you trust??? Right? Right???

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